Ridiculously Gd Lookin

2007-02-16T04:49:00.000-08:00

Hey peeps i ve moved. ask me for my new ad... yeah if u think i ll give it to you.
try me. i m nice.

bet ur oculomotors are stimulated alr. its called rollin ur eyes.

singly awared.

2007-02-14T09:38:00.000-08:00

i havent been here in years. i plan to return but maybe when i dunno life gets more spice.

nope not goin to happen i m still going to be ranting.

today was valentine.. seein today sis no longer today and seein how i ve learnt to add an additional 12 hrs to each day.
its amazin relaly.. i have added more hours to a i mean my days.. but but.. it means lower productivity.. bigger mess and sleepier nick.. with a bit of ptosis.. droopy eyelids

in any case lets see where i m sandin now eh..
i dunno iseem to have make pulling outof my cca a sport lately.. i ve been pullin out and not givin ath hndred percent..
stil ljugglin alto but with a lot less discipline and slack.. which is really a bad thing.. i m startin to fee lworried..

its that period where exams are here.. med stress is buildin up..minus the i m nto really feeli nthe stress part.. i dunno why.. i m scared i cant go on hols.. retain or wadeva.. yeah those fears are stil lvery much latent..

but i have become distracted.. findin all excuse at takin breaks.. i m less mtivated to run to lean to read to mocve my ass to the study room..

i feel frenless and lonely most of the time liek no one understand me.. i m nto enjoyin ath i m doin.. esp my weekends.. i m takin way more naps.. wathcin way too may serials with uninhibition.. i feel liek i m spinnin out of ctrl.. i m not even exactly enjoyin the learnin of the new lang..

ther eare of cos two ways t olook at it.. i can be realyl hard on myself(in the case its really prefered)
the other i can be honest.. who am i kiddin.. lessons for bahasa are really at insaen pace.. med really reqds every ounce of impossible human ability.. i m fallin sick.. i need alife.. n oharm watchin u tube every now and then.. cmon doin well now.. doesnt mean ..

yada yada.. i spend too much time online.. btu my interaction with humans is almost nil..
i feel so bitter easily these days..

and yes today is vday. an i did everythign alone.. so unlike me.. one point ot the home team that understands..
i m quite amazed.. am i cahngin or is that the right diagnosis?

i know m life is not screwed up yet.. i mean its almost perfect if u look at it fro mthe outside.. hell i look at other;s and i thk to myself.. shessh i wouldnt want to be u.. but i dun want to b me either..

doomed to thi life of misery and deprssion..esp with cny approachin..oh hello relatives is there any way i can escape u..
all of u.. shessh. i thk i ll never be happy..

is it cos i need osmeone to fil lteh void.. need a gf? need a fan club?
eh i dunno. i thk i need a bigger room but either way i be just as disorganized.. and mess up.. buti need a bigger room to walk abt take afew strolls up and down the isle before the names ofa ll12 cranial nerves register. ther eare twelve right.. o kjsut checkin..

di need to treat ppl beter? no way i thk i m nice alr.. aybe i m abit too sensitive btu what he hell.. i feel used in 90 percent of my relationships..l iek ppl oni look for me when they need help..and when there is fun to be shared.. oh count nick out.. i mean no one even wished me happy vdday today.. without me initiatin.. well of cos the qn is agn.. well why cant u initiate first.. or worse.. does it really matter if no one cares.. cant u live ur own life.. do u ve to be affeted by other.. my mum prob thks hey u know son.. u be much better off than where u re if u didnt spend all ur time findin faults with the little things in life..

hmm right but hte little things make us who we are.. eew cliche.. no no no.. i get it nick.. u want to be the center of attraction.. u wished ppl worship u.. isnt that so?>

no.. no i dun i just wished pp lopenly cared more.. honest. i wlk that empty street on the boulevard of broken... its like.. gd if u do well lucky ass. . not surprisin.. and oh u re screwed if u dun..
scenario.. what if i fail .. u knwo just totally do badly.. screw up. .i thk i ll have no more frens alr.. and they say if thats the case then u have no real frens.. point proven case close.

ah at last just let me die please.. there is no better scenario mummy.. i m either here or dyin somewhere else.. i l lbuy glens theory if not for army i ll be overseas.and that in itself is a very sensitive issue.. i wanna play the survivor game.. be trapped on an island and thats not the thing.. make sure everyone starts with zero score.. meanin no one knows each otehr b4 that.. gdness with such arguments i can make myselfa genetist with string of qualifications to my name..

and then brag abt how i spent vday on this very day.

and its done

2007-01-04T07:48:00.000-08:00

u really elastic or wad.

ok moving back to hall tml.. got sports com duty late at night summore.. really official alr.. unofficial but yeah back to sch. grrr
life as per normal..

ok yest and today was officially one of my better days this hols.. went out to watch movie.. hang out..sigh... sat will be a tuition packed day.. 10am to 5 pm

and u tht u would want to lead my life. ok nick stop complainin..wads this..

gonna hit two decades soon.. i dun feel very much mature.. maybe i havent.. maybe i stil ldo the same old darn stupid things that make ppl upset. i guessi really suck

i wanango back to vj u know.. and just imagine picture myself as a student.. in his uniform.. ha wearin so many badges.. but cant seem to kee the shirt tucked in.. ok thats actual imy class mate not me.

sittin at the back of the class.. laughin really loudly.. singing. .part bitchin..guffawiin.. wavinand sayin hi to everybody.

that kinda security u get when u re in sch.. with a uniform..it feels purposeful.. ha.. wad crap.

i thki m better off waiti nfor my south park videos to finish downloadin..b4 sleepin..

jsut shoot me.

scientist

2007-01-02T09:16:00.000-08:00

a perfect morning for cold play. the scientist.
morning as in wee hrs morning as always.

i keep seeing u in my dreams and u seem to be warning me of what i m abt to do but i never listen. i never. how does it feel like to be on the otherside of the world..

yeah thats all i can do.
i m not being condescending but imust say that in m impressed in a way i never tht so.. i asked my fren if she ever tht of me as a gd fren or jsut someone who makes other sad all teh time.. u know drown them as he washes his sorrow over them.. she actuali said i give gd advice.. i m very helpful..

i give gd advice eh.. but i never used them myself then i guess..i m imoressed by my best uddy..ha army reallly makes u wiser smaerter and mroe a man i guess.. i never tht of him as someone so wise so serious b4.. but yeah he is gettin more impressive each day haha...hanqun. army makes u smart..haha "at least do a gd job" "give a gd chase" "y u so jue" and yeah tellin me not to .. i must say i m impressed and the biz discussion today was really wow.. haha

thsi is wad the world does t ou i gues.. u thk u re in a train carriage oni to realsie u have no wheelss.. coal..

the thing is i m not sure why i did what i did.. th ki m losin it.

but anw wads new.. story of my life..

since we are all on the topic of love money and marriage..
once agn hq pointed out that ..well lets look at our fam.. pretty much in shambles.. our parents.. makesu thk twice abt marriage doesnt it..

parents dun share the same bed anymore.. one comes home too late cos of wek..dun want t odisturb the other.. both parties struggle hard to make ends meet.. each sees oni the snow in their lawn the struggles with raising the children vs the struggles at werk.. the ego and heated debates involved.. the fights and the chillo uts.. the forgotten but unforgiven.. andwe put our thumbs and bite them..we move on out of choice and duty..

parents separated by distances.. werkin in diff countries.. when loneliness sets in..and followed by depression... when the constant dissatisfaction leads to search for satissfaction elsewhere.. ur grass is always greener than mine

when there isnt cash t oflow abt.. so isnt it true.. money is the key to hapiness.. the key to a happy future. money is everythng.. no ..of cos not. .we al lknwo that money has its own set of problems all tgt.. but since life is human i ll rather suffer poor and its not a choice really if u thk abt it..

i want the plan to take off.. its not wealth i m after.. its much more.. its the weightlessness and the power. it is really true money as caused all the unhappiness i ve seen in the world..and really often itis the lack of it.. of cos there are ppl who never knew wealth and they grew up loving and happy.. btu not us.. while we may not be the bottom of the worlds poverty stats.. we are teh victims..cos we are no where.

hail the const need to impress. hail the fact that no one will evwer look down on me. if i do well.. which i will i will be most discussed most remembered ..most ... i m straying.

the adrenaline can really kick in. and may death be the oni thing that saves.

pachelbel rant

2006-12-31T21:51:00.000-08:00

well happy new yr. 2007.
haha and my bday would be 27-07-2007

pretty cool. alright so its first of jan already. whoa sch will start in a week. ihg less than that. bought this blue pad for my lap top. makes typn kinda harder tho.. hmm.. ut oh well..its for protection..my palmaris longus feels weird..

a pretty meaning ful countdown. i kissed my mum and put her to bed. i wonder how many of such chances i l lhave left.. joke with her make her laugh. i figured i can make everyone laugh.. i can easily entertain a grp of frens.. but my mum prob deserves it more.

there u go joke abt everything.. abt how my dad once got upset that a kanaji was spat into his fried rice.. and laugh at his terrible english.. as he tries to converse with an old "fren"

i wouldnt ask for ath more. just to be at home.. accompany my mum. see that she doesnt get upset for one day.. i would give the world.

but reality is a whole lot more frustrating.
it is.
i was this angry kid. at 10 yrs old. i remember clearly still how this yellow container was flung at me. i damned the man. all i could wish for was his death. the container hit my head. was crying. the man was angry cos things didnt go his way. cos he thinks God is the person who do u favours if u re nice to her. but thats not god. ha far from it. it was my evil aunt. the one who bullys my mum.. somewhere in the recesses of his childish mind.. was that if oni he could please my aunt.. he may someday be able to get her to help him out.. sell him her sports car.. at cheaper price.. old fool.. why would someone like my aunt do that.. she thought so highly of herself..independent woman..two divorces.. high manager salary..big mnc firm.. seriously .. ididnt knwo what the man was thinking. she looked at him as though.as though he was a fly waiting oni to be squashed. .. that was when i realsied that man..my father.. was a goner. .

i loathed him. a man who compares his eldest son to every kid in the neighbourhood. oh i m not sporty enuff.. oh so and so is so independent i stil lahve to take the sch bus.. oh other kids are cuter learnt faster.. more adorable. .more polite.. if i messed his stuff its..whack whack.. if it was the girl on my level..i rmb her bro smashed his 200 racket which he wouldnt even let me touch.. andhe was all soft with the neighbours.. oh its alrite.. they are oni kids.. no need to pay la.. children are like that.. so cute.. he needed to be mr nice guy in front of everyone.. except me.

he made me hate myself hate the world.. i forced myself to learnt everything. he really was oni a small fly.. i may have been ten yrs old but i wasnt blind. i vowed never to be like him. that whatever he does.. i ll do different.. that i ll learn eveything on my own..push myself and excel..

when my mum returned home from werk found me cryin in pain in the corner of the hse.. she ..u can oni imagine wad she did to him.

well.. its been more than a decade hasnt it. tables turn. the cute neighbourhood kids.. cant even be bothered to greet him now.. people change and he feels left behind.. as far as i know.. he is oni my biological father. he is as dead to me as.. my mum brt me up. kept me sane. she doesnt know how angry it is to be me. but anyway,.. he suffered alot. her health everything.. ppl frens come and go in our lives..most of them leave.. i made sure i do well. sch was the oni way to get a grip. one day ill turn my back on these ppl..shuld they come begging me for help.

but education changes u. i do realsied that its not the way. i shuld help these ppl. these poor souls.. ppl like my dad who will never know wad went wrong and wad was missin intheir lives.. my relatives who live in a well. one day i m going to graduate a doc.. and i swear i ll graduate well. i l ldo it for my mum. and my old man. thins have changed so damn much. i feel almost celebrated.

a couple of yrs back all i would have wanted was revenge.. revenge for every single pain these pp have caused me. for all the times they looked down on me. .wit htheir wry smart remarks. i tht i ll want to make them pay. but now i want to hel pthem.
perhaps they can never see where they ve gone wrong.

and i know where t ostart.

becos at this moment i see my dad in my bro. exact replica.
my mum and i know it .
its slightly worst. my dadwas born with polio.. but he had guts. he dared everything..swimmin ride motorbike.. played badminton..he spent his whole life tryin to prove himself. he is talented relli..just lazy.. when it coems t ostudies.. he had the chance he blew it. .. i believe he isa gd man. he jsut doenst know how to love his kids..or rahtherwhere his heart's priorities shuld be. cos even tho he behaves lieka real jerk most of the time.. the way he talks.. the way he treats me.. he works so hard.. two jobs ..for.. me ..my fam i guess.. alright other than the fact that he supports his lifestyle of gambling bad debts and so on.. but still its fair to say he wanted nth but the best for me.

my bro tho. really is a lot less talented. intelligence wise.. really lackin. i can say this cos i grew up with him.. and u know certain things.. he is a really slow learner. very honest guy. happy most of the time. .much happier than myself. simple.
btu he is very lazy. afraid to werk. And he accepts failure too easily.. one moment he can be ver y upset that he hasn’t doen well.the next he is percfectly fine with it. I guess I ll give ath to be like him in this aspect cos when I dun do well.. I really thrash myself..

he is very immature. He wants to buy alotof things…they say its oni natural when siblings compare.. like when I have a lap top..when I buy shirts.. I mean cmon I need shirts..to go hosp and so on.. I have been wearin oni one shirt for all the hosp visits and interviews.. btu my bro.. I dunno he wants everything I have..and he will use it to .. he wlll say thngs like he will compare… and thks that he is treated less importantly or unfair.. im ean that’s pretty natural for siblings.. but he shuld really look at reality. Wad is needed and not.. if u want to compare.. really why dun u compare grades.. he puts pressure on my mum all the tiem to buy him stuff.. I gues bein the youngest doesn’t give u the right to get ur way.. but well..my mum is truly saddened.. all his frens can at leas tmake it to jc.. prelim results.. its almost as if he desnt care.,.the fact that he has tuition for every subject.. he fact that all the money I earn goes to payin for his tuiton.. its time he wisened up really.. u can just spend 50 dollars a day or 160 on a shirt without blikin an eye.. we dun come fro mthatkind of family.. u know wad dad werk as..

my dad often recounted how he made his mum buy him a pair of levis.. when sheearned 60 cents an hr scrubbin laundry.. its like the y are exactly the same..he tells us how he regrets it till this day…and how he sees himself in my bro..

what will the new yr be like..
end of yr one.. .. must d omy best.. move on to yr 2..
guys my batch will ord..
bro will start poly.. currently teachin 4 students..yadayada…

I feel insecure.. so many wad ifs in my head. Will dad lose his head. Become senile..quarel with everyne get fired.. lose his job.. will mum;s health see her through.. will yafen changed a lot when she returns.. what do I say.. will old frens still bother with each other.. who will I be next yr? can I?

Uncertain 27.

in shock now

2006-12-29T09:16:00.000-08:00

i erm.. do realise that
the year is ending once again. party of the year or not.. new yr;s day coems every yr. i stand in shock now. and somwhat speechless too. i guess dreams reflect our inner thts and desires and worries and stress.. if that is so, i knwo exactly what i ll be screamin if i sleep talk.

i wun actually be screaming.. but i ll see the tangent curves and all of lives intercepts. gradients. i ll see u more clearly than u re now.. and i be drowning to ehar ur voice.. and all teh silly things u said.. liek ni hen piao liang.. i guess its proven.. wad u actively thk of in the day shows at night..

i erm dream of loses at night. that i ll wake up and find a nightmare in another. somedays im afraid this is all a dream other days i wish it was so.

i jsut learnt that a gd fren of mine lost his dad.
i rmb another fren of mine lost his mum when he was i np3.. i was so scared then. i didnt know what or how to feel. my mum said to cerish adn love everyone we have ard us.. b4 its too late

it is isnt it.
i feeel likea bad person neglectin and doubtin everyone ard me.
but i knwo i must count my blessing. the yr is turnin the corner. and there are many things ishuldbe grateful for.
i had lunch with kums today,..ha he let me try rock climbin..
first and foremost.. i m grate ful for the cahnce to be where i m ..really. i knwo thatits tough and there is possibly alotto be dissatisfied abt...but truly i m happy to bewherei m..

i m grateful that i have always done well.
grateful that i m surrounded by ppl who care for me.
even more grateful to be surrounded by ppl who trust me.
i m grateful that my mum is still.. getting by.

i m blessed. i know it. alot of ppl will be dyin to be where i m. i have been given so much grace.

i just hope i wun make the wrogn decisions when the time come. thati l lstil lkeep my state of mind.

2006-12-26T04:30:00.000-08:00

boxing day. xmas visited oce again. looks like i aint travelin this hols.. life has become really complicated.. i feel that findin the words to describe anything can be really difficult. to relate something may never be fully possible. but we all try anyway.

maybe its best to just keep things bottled up. that way we can be less mechanized.

be gracious to me. i feel annoyed i ve kinda given up hope. on ppl. i really dun expect anymore. more tahn ath else i feel used. everyonewants themselves to be heard understood..and let me add... entertained.

i dun complain there is alot to do. i just wish there was a purpose.. like a man who stares in the mirror.. he finds no meanin other thn his reflection..which looks as confused.

portraying capability is sthi do.
the nect part to it really depends.

gatherings can end up pretty dry with not muxch to say to each other. ppl are either too similar or too diferent to start with. ironically bithare bad.. silence can be really awful. and cold.. tho most of the time its stil ldesirable.

sometimes it can feel like nth werks at all..
marriages aget draggy.. everything ends. everyone departs and everyone gets hurt.

love turns t ofunction and funcction is what we do best. tantamountin expectations kill eventuali.

waitin to transfer photos.. internet is takin foreva.. comittees to answer to= one too many.. responsibilities.. trg unstarted..
gatherings are pretty tirin but stayin alone is liek tryin to borea srew thru ur head at times. work is monotonous as well..

well its xmas so its time to get things in sight

next yr.. impt year. determine whether will get retain or not.. must study darn hard. but the key is to rmb to be interested.. the stuff i learn is very interestin.. thats how i get thru sc hyearly

to keep savin up and working

to acheieve other goals tjat will make me different fro mthe rest ..keep up the trgs

to take up drivin..

next yr the guys will ord... there will be homecomin..

i hope to travel ultimately.

my resoln next yr .. really is to be happy.. to do things that iwant to do and not to please thers all teh time.. seems almost imposssible.

i hope to be more stable to onext yr.

and i hope .. i l lmake the right decisions. when the time comes. yeah

i want to many things to go my way. i want pp to love me but i dun wanna return the same. i wish home wasnt a war zone all the time but i know i do little to reconcile anyway. i knwo i want to send mroe tiem with frns and get to knwo more people but i jsut want to be alone most of the time. i wished i could exlain alot more things cos i see problems everywhere i go that begs soln. btu i have none. i wish t oeducate but i must realise that not everyone needs the same education.

eve.

2006-12-23T19:41:00.000-08:00

well wadya know.. xmas is tomorrow. of all the year i claim that i really can get no festive xmas wadeva spirit.. this yr tops the charts.. i dunno. it feels liek just aanother day another yr.. nth special.. maybe its gettin old and all.. buteven then old ppl i have seen hapy bunch gettin all joyful abt tomorrow..

alright so we must rmb the meanin of xmas.. yeah it sure means alot.. i mean we all know the stories and all.. and all the commercial attachemnts.. the presents.. buti jusr wanna say that i feel really detached fro mthe world right now.. cosfrankly i feel like i can live alone.. be alone.. and thats all i wanna be..ell almost..

before i sound like a pathetic grump..imean grinch.. i recalli used to be quite an xmas nazi la.. haha oh wells.. its eve.. noplans till countdown at night.. prob go to church later.. but i just woke up and its 12 alr.. i have never been sucha a slop..wakin up past ten is like.. woa too much of a .. but then i have never slept past three either.. and these days nto sleepin at all seem to gt along fine with me...

so what have i been up to this hos actuali..seems t be a qn i have to ans quite often on msn.. and frankly the ans is kinda fuzzy cosi m not sure.. it seems that timereally eludes me now ... erm now that its not schoolin..ok wait a second time has always eluded.. time flies no matter what.. and i still feel liek i m in twilight zone .. i mean like.. bloody hell a yr went by..and this is what life would poosibly like for many yrs t ocome.. ok i m rally like an old grinch..

everytime i think of my frens now.. i do all the time actuali.. both the new ones and old ones.. but more of the old ones.. cos the new ones.. well the ones from nus.. im kinda leadin their lives..almost.. btu the old onrs.. many it eludes me.. i dunno i miss them badly.. where are they now how life is liek from them..

they will prob not understand what i feel like yet anyway.. u know.. sergeants doin COS ..book in and out..short a few days leave.. feastin oni on weekends..dota.. lazin ard.. maybe and then goin back to an almost prison style life.. sorry.. i m not sayin that i m havin a much better time.. i dun.. trust me..

it still feels like anat paper was yesterday..and i havent had much of a break.. ok maybe not.. i did ve alot of break..i watched one a nda half season of prison break in 4 days.. i tht it was overkill..but i knwo of ppl..haha who have watched more serials in shirter periods of time.. actauli i feel pretty darn good.. i havent really hang out or chilled out much this hols.. u know.. last time dec..i ll prob be in town catchin up with a diofferent person everyday.. or u know.. even trg hard..

but i kinda really miss stayin at home now.. and travelin out jsut means spendin money.. burnin that hole there..

and it seems rpretty meaningless to catch up with ppl cos i feel that everyone is worlds apart.. ironic right.. u actuali catch up with ppl to wanaa know how they are doin..amybe the real deal is that the ppl i really wanna catch up with..icant get to them..so dun bother.. haha yeah i thk thats the real.. deal..but well stil lahve two weeks to fix that.. and get my lazy ass of the couch..

i ve bee nteachin sitl tho. .and is not bad.. money is gd motivation..its one of my prime actuivity this mth i guess.. and i m really in luck.. one of my students fam..got me a big log ccake that tok up the space of y almost the whole fridge.. really big xmas ccake.. u feel really blessed and lucky when u teach such families.. hey are alwasy so nice..one night it was late and rainy and the mum drove me home.. it makes collectin money from them almost guilty.. and i realluy hope the kids do well.

well i hope everyone does well no matter where or what la..

la.. i know darn well wads missin ,. the person i ve spent my laast 4 5 years of xmas with is goin to tour europa the next day.. boo.. but i do wonderwad its like.. u know walkin london..alone with all he shops closed on xmas.. most of ur frens back home.. but its like in love actualli..well almost ..u know deprived ppl like us here can oni muster vague imagination.. of wad it be like in london town.. heh.. sigh btu possibly lonely too..

at least in sg.. there isfamiliarity.. i m sure there is wherever u are now.. but thereis a big gin gang of "frens" to hang out iwht., like u will never be alone.. which is wad i m doin tonight... settler;s cafe! countdown. kinda excitin no? yeah not bad la.. i thk its a lr a blessin to haeve freens in uni..it felt darn hard to get to anyone at first.. and i m really hapy that te hall ppl are a cool bunch i can hang out with..right i do count my blessings..

but still i wonder how life be like.. u know how different.. i dunno it seems that many things changed this yr..it is like the settling year.. i know that fate..can change like the winds.. but this yr..it seem to ve set so many things in place.. unless sth unfortunate haens.. imena one ccan always screw up his studies and belah lets not go there..

haha i have been thinkin of also how i would feeel if i was confined at home likejz.. seriously i thk he is pretty tough.. as if surgery and havin to be in a cast for the next 6 mths or weeks isnt bad enuff..on dec hsi fam goes back to taiwan and he is all alone hee with on ihe weather to remind him of taipei.. pretty dauntin eh..but i did my part la.. haha ikept him company almost everydya.. haha sigh i must count my blessings..

btu its horrible to have to look into other ppl shoes b4 u count ur ownblessin.isnt that the mind of someone so selfish.. hha like "look at hte kids in africa, they are sufferin..damni shud fee lblessed" i mean if ur miserable u re miserable.. everyone has got different defn thresholsd and understandin of that word no? yeah there is alwasy poor little rich kid..

some pp ldo it for love.. ha i spend a lot of time thinkinabt the charactersin prison break..ha ok its a ficticiousshow.. but if u thk abt everyone lives.. u realise.. some pl maybe the way they are all tehirlives.. after all fiction is a rflection of real life.. or how the creator sees it to be.. everyone wants different things differently..some are foolish so pure hearted.. so lovin.. like my bro.. u know theydun thk much easily contented.. and they are blessed.. luck jsut keeps goin their way..and then there are the thinkers.. those who know wads goin on.. those whoaregeniuses..in ctrl.. but they are never happy..and it seems like hurdles are the oni thing that get them in life.. pretty darn real in life ifu ask me.. it can fee llike obstcales after obstacles..

and we are tht to look at the bright side of life.. but i beliee its not sth everyone can do.. itruly believe i ll always be a sad case..

no matter where i get.. i thk i l lnever be satisfied..

but hell its xmas.. so lets try to be happy.
i liek sight seein tho..esp with..the right company.

things could be simple. but i cant help it.. forced t osee otherwise.

all i see is pain..

merry xmas.

2006-12-20T07:56:00.000-08:00

idle idle..
veg on fork..
the lights dun show u the way home.. not always.. most of the time its cold and brutal jsut like the world is..

how do u do it man? you wit hthe big chunky smile.. fineweather doesnt come after teh rain. in my life it just gets heavier.. and maybe u wish u drown..

but hten i swim.. sigh ponned trg today.. i feel so unmotivated.. perhaps nto just with regards t otrg u know.. perhaps to everything.. like a demagnetised compass who can oni wish t orust away..

trg sucks.. i jsut dun have it.. lost the factor to push.. i feel burnt out.. i tried studyn too.. equLLY burnt out.. i dunno if someone reads my blog now..they prob be lke.."wah lau.. this guy..studyin durin hols.. and blah blah"

the truth is it sucks to care abt what others think all the time.. right.. what if u could live without care for the rest of the world.. then agn if not for the rest of the world..

ahhathere is no such thing as an ex con.. man jsut keep makin mistakes. one after another..

i got it figured out. season two of prison break aint got no prison breakin.. but perhaps.. this is it.. thsi is the one prison we are all tryin to break out of..

broken thts...
side thoughts.. erm miss i was wonderin..yeah just wonderin.. seriously.

naze

2006-12-15T09:06:00.000-08:00

naze? naze..

hmm just back from magic of love.. contemplatin matters in my head.. all the cling and clatter..

lifehouse rocks.. would give ath to watch them live.. man coldply too..btu then when they came t osg i didnt watch..was darn tempted haha

sigh.. i guess spendin extravagantly is just not the way to go.. money is spend in the blink or the eye..now tha its the hols.. i went out cut my hair ..took cab.. watch concert ate a more decent meal and oof nearly 50 bucks.. sigh..ok will earn it back tml..best to just werk and stay at home.. i have the makings of a sad lifer..lifer?

wo wads a lifer.. someone who lives lifeee?

trivial..trivial..life is full of trivial..to add t o our encyclopedia of pain.. how easy is it to stay blind..they say love is blind.. but i doubt it.. many ppl are first blind to the love that exist ard them..no? many ppl are blind.. they cnat see ..the love that they spat on.. that they never returned... the love ehich arise out of responsibility.. so love is not blindin when u re blind in the first place no?

i m not gonan talk abt blind to God's love..apparently many ppl are not.. or atleast the yclaim they aren;t.. but they may be hermits.. choosin instead to shun the world then..since they ve "found " .. another word for them is extremist..

that love then could be blind..

right so thats the additional notes on the topic of love.. kinda tired..alr

i dun feel the need to explain everything,..

haha anw i got wind of season two of prison break..cant wait to get my hands on them.. haha

for now.. i ll watch. jsut keep watch.. m not sure of teh best path to take.. the depth of ur grave to deep...what if u could decide that too..

not too bad

2006-12-14T08:44:00.000-08:00

tirin day..coached swimmin in the day..haha all red now.. and gave tuition till late at night.. till 11pm..
some olidays,,but its not too bad u know..
i tht abt it..if i wasnt studyin med.. if i was not gonan be a doc.. i prob make my keep now givin uition..sloggin like crazy..then teach swimmin.. haha pretty cool life.. NOT??

oh well i jsut dunno i dnno anymore.. i dunno what im doi nwhat i like what i dun.. table is stacked with volumes of books as usual.. givin pep talk to my juniors and my students and to the rest of the world.. ha nick the motivational speaker? shrugs.. i guess it comes naturally when u knwo what its like..all the battles they are gonan face.. enterin jc.. takin as next yrs.. o;s next yr..etcetc.. everybody like to hear words of encouragement...

but to take it fro msomeonewho measure his self worth agst his grades..thats pretty bad.. but anw.. i broke the 90 barrier for physio..haah..oh well.. proud la.. as in i dun expect much of mself.. o give me that little allowance to gloat.. sheesh..
yeah my results this round are pretty satisfyin..can relax a bit? not..i know i m just sayin.. the multi alarm system in my head wil lrun amok when a ) slackin limit is breached 2) fitness level...depreciaetes

wad a sad life.. its as if..i dunno..ireally dunno anymore..

ah yes perspective.. many ppl dun put things into perspective..

its when night becomes day adn day becomes night. .and right becomes wrong and u become selfish.

lookin forward to tml..and et another tml..

my time is so overcontested for .. sheesh ends up nth gets planned and done.. everyhthign crahses. then cancels out ech other then gets canceled.. pretty cool..

perspective says thsi hols is weird.. my table is still i na mess.. ihavent played pool or kbox.. here is not dancing lights on xmas tree.. i m wishin for mistle oes in stead no jigssaw puzzle on my table.. swimmin in december?
not yet been to town! in mid dec.. sheesh.. so abnormal..i feel like a kid rapper..

eew..

give me that spark..

2006-12-08T16:47:00.001-08:00

i could take my whole damn life to make this right.
i havent blogged in ages but well i want to..its a gd way to keep track of my pendulous thoughts.. wait maybe not pendulous.. erratic.

so status now..
mid sem of medicine over..
Ca 1 over..
its december..
xmas approachin..
term has reached pseudoend( u realy feel and wish its the end of yr 1)
.. amt of sleep last night zero hours..
amout of losin myself.. and recreation..maximal..

amount of fun(good feelings).. classified..

spiritually relatively empty..
in love? lets not go there..well we are always in love arent we..
results achienvements.. usual.. nth less expected.. not fantastic..but u know the feelin is perhaps coupled to the above..
honestly i did quite well at least i feel that yeah i did above my expectations.. yeah they are super efficient at comin up with ur results here.. so far really quite good la.. better than..i guess can say so.. plenty of frens and ppl to thank.. rmb to give urself zero credits..

but then everytime it gets that way u will jsut sit back.. i dunno..and ponder.. its another exam.. ok u did not bad.. whats next? wait for the next exam.. sighsuddenly feelin very very pessimistic of this superficial life..

but its ok..

i did a lot of crazy stuff yet.. swam in the open sea,.went cyclin.. played soccer.. played non stop bridge polar bear.. went to eat prata and talked till u kinda become near monosyllabic.. but its ok..

i dun want to livet his life anymore.. ifeel so restrained.. as if my life belongs to someoen else..i wish there was more.. i wish i could choose.. i guess i m a roller not a scrunger.. haha but well i m a ctrl freak..and when i have ctrl i wouldnt know what more i need..

sigh so whats next.. hols trg? well actualli i sprained my toes.. i m limpin agn now.. nick the genius.. its damn pain.. i went to play bball and i thk its a lot worse now.. well done.. jsut compressed my entire hall stuff into a million plastic bags.. cute.

i guess i iwll jsut stay at home. i needa lot of that to ponder.. its the yr end.. i mean . i m really sleepy t otype in coherent sentences now. but this hAS BEEN QUITE a year..there was this whole big blur..or time frame seemingly sunctioned out of me.. its called ns..

but whateve.r.. whatevery gets u goin.. be it singin carols jay chou.. watchin a million vids on u tube from family guy to goodness gracious me.. to ian thorpe's strokes..

where does satiety come from.. who am i today..

i wanna travel. not jsut physically..i wanna depart. (to be continued)

2006-12-08T16:47:00.000-08:00

2006-11-19T06:04:00.000-08:00

sigh thk doc ng is fallin sick. but its prob mental. itsn ot my sick period yet..
xmas is comin..damn i feel so loney. today is my bro s bday and i jsut checked into hotel la edward to do my laundry and met my fellow colleague.. weiliang doin is laudry..actualli i saw this discarded lab coat on the machine and i guessed it was his..

u know somehow ha oni guys are that..

nonchalant anw ha i wore that lab coat qutie a few tiems so paiseh always too forgetfu lforget to bring my to the lab and its a size too big and i was makin lame mg s jokes.. poof..

but yeah..its a really lonely existence.. exams.. ard the corner.. sheesh.. i mean cas..u knwo ppl cas.

sigh and i jsut came from well lited town dinenr ..candele light steak and all.. my bro;s bday..adn post o's celebration..students all ard.. celebratin in big groups.. dman i feel so old.

and my bro receiveth egift of speakin in tongues today..hmm.. thats really fast.

man what am i doin.. thinkin.. my mind so belongs someone else..

looooo li

2006-11-10T12:05:00.000-08:00

this is a sappy night. listenin to jay chou and really old songs.. not sure howi got into this mood.. or why i m here now or look like that..

i could well be in the study room which is really unhygenic.. smells like crap filled ith inconsiderate ppl like myself who are bored to their..so bored that they start behavi nirrationally..rockin their chairs back and forth singin weird songs.. chinese i guess..there is so much to study really no need for the shock looks..we all know.

but i took a break today..i declared it a no study day..well the time now is 5am so yeah its long over... i wish england was online but to ka ku ni..

so what did i do on this no study day..hmm firstly its no study day cos the last two daysi studied quite hard for anat i thk.. hah well at least by my stsndards la.. u know everythign in life is relative.. how much an individual can take is relly.. like u know if some ppl kneew how much i study they will thk that im mad.. but on the other hand there be ppl who be like..

anw i believe looksa re relative too ..so everyone can be gd lookin..it depends on surroundin displacement. oops.

nick u re such a bimbo. right so i studied damn hard.. for FA and i tht it went not too bad.. i could do most of the qns. .but well at least i m contended la. .i hipe cas be liddat.. but i guess many ppl with my reults today will prob be so disastified with htemselves they wan shove a scapel up their..gut. right. or i could htk of worst things u know..

like runnin runnin for one anda half hr at almost 12 am.. and not to mention gettin lost.. btu it felt really great..haha i was thinkin of usin the word amazin but then agn.. hmm haha i went erunni nwit hdarius.. i dunno i never could turn frens down if hey wanted ath frm me.. i guess thats my weakness.. eso if u re a new fren i dunno very well i always feel liek i shuld accomodate.. yeah its tirin to be nick.. btu it fu ntoo.. cos after runnin we went t ofong xin ate prata.. and talked abt lots of stuff.. haha its relly cool i mean he is the reall ycool darius.. yeah he isa really coo ldude not to mention damn gd lookin.. suave intelligent.. and all.really deep guy.. hmm yeah i almost sound like i m leani nto the over side.. but nah its pre good admiration..haha.. right RIGHT it was awkward when he said he tht i was really good lookin..cos u knw he is the darius.. all the girls from other facs asks me to show them who darius is.. haha btu well.. u get the point

its really ncie to i dunno listen to jay dude mumblin at night.. adn the fact that i can recite most of his mumblings.. with my eyes readin detox.. is proof of how i totally adore him. .s

hais why do we all lead such diff lives..why.. who would ve tht.. or knoe wad it be like to be bloggin at 5sam ke hall..stufdyin detox belongin ot an elistist grp of ppl who believe theyare fro the ong loo li nsch of medicine.. a prestigious postion awaits their shoes for fillin.. but nevertheless.. it is really prestigious. .i believe no t so much intellectually..i would liek to thk its a great respectable job cos u re lovin ppl.. and u have to have that desire to love ppl.. desre to love ppl.. sounds so off.. btu ok forgive me its 5am.. but yeah.. wether u re in it for the money prestige or some true callin.. we are all takin CA1 in less than three weeks.. relatiy check nick u should stop deluding urself..

anway i went for last bi trg b4 ahlls .somehow i get the feeli that hols trg are gonan be dhitty tough btu it be cool..it be like june hols in jc.. uknow esp when u bomd with a team that can be really cool.. yeah..

die i m feeli the need to void agn..i thk i have a weak stomach..esp when exams are near.. the stress builds up..and ihave to be really carefulabt wad i do.. on the other hand runin makes me wanna shit .. its some reflec i have t ofigure .. say defaecate.. right.

i did a lot of exercise today..played tennis.. witha a T gym.. ran 20 plus km.. hk i ll de..my knees fee lliek an old man;s alr.. orthopedics wait for me..

2006-11-08T11:44:00.000-08:00

i guessi m blogging cos i du n want the site to die.. hais but i really dun have the time . time now is 0345.. man.. any moment it be sweetest dream in england ha.. sigh it be rise and shine for me, well rise no shine..

CAs are ard the corner man. i know i know.. man i hear the voices.. "why are u so mug? wah lau its oni firs tca.. wah lau relax la.. why are u muggin like nocturnal.." hais but i guess i jsut have to say i know myself better.. i have really short attn span.. i have alot of activiites and i know that i have not studied and covered a lot and thats y.. istay up alte.. its funny how human beings feel the need to accountable to strangers at times.. btu nevertheless.. iwish i could tell ppl str.. hey i need to study! i really ahve not studied as much as i liekd to.. (socially delusional)

bleagh.. i thk i m goi nnuts.. but i m still i n the drama highness..
yeah playhse went not bad.. was a relief really.. i hear aloto f compliments from the senior batches esp on how there re are talents i n our batch esp actin talents.. yeah its gd to hear.. i would love to do it agn i guess.. but hopefeulli not a u know stage atwo day play thing..

i dun thk i sound very coherent these days.. i dun thk i can carry out a conversation without leavin ppl in the lurch.. u know ppl go Huh everytime i tell them sth.. maybe its cos of the lack of sleep.. i thk i cant put up proper converations alr.. and i m quite irritable.. maski everything with a fake sense of humour isnt gonan last long...

sigh so much more to cover.. basicall everythng minus head and neck..hmm

well at least trg is more or less comin to a halt.. btu of cos cant afford to rest completely.. sigh..

anw i feel really fortunate to be surrounded by so mnay frens.. and esp fortunate..i mean it really makes my day wehn i receive smses from the old guy frens .. ha yeah not that old.. the facct that they are in army and ve no idea wad life is like to mug til l3 plus every night/day haha btu yeah it means a lot when i get a msg fro mthem.. thanks so much guys..

yeah and my juniors as well..even tho they are strugglin with As this yr..and struggli to get into med haha.. oh man how ironic..

the neighbour have kids rangin fro p sch to all levels of kindergarden..everyone wants to go raffles.. ri rj then loo lin... sigh.. its sucha ..i dunno man kids.. u re gonna lose ur childhood if u compare with the girl that has better grades livin on the ninth floor for instance..

yeah i was listenin to two mothers comaprin their children;s results.. it goes like this" oh my son this time very bad.. the class got ten full amrks and he oni scored 95 out of hundred.. very careless lor" sigh the boy is oni p3 man.. relax.. u wun die..

the whole world doesnt ve to get into an ip prog/ become a geper.. get int oloo lin..snatch that schoalrship..sigh.. jsut becos utr neighbour has a son in med doesnt mean .. i dunno.. my mum gets asked a lot.. " wahh.. so gd got a son in med.. howu do it ah.. what he eat..how he study?" that kinda thing..

sigh ppl ppl.. things come naturally.. (altho its easy for me to say now,, i fondly er hmm recall the nights when i struggled with stack of notes books and exam papers) but still parents.. must knwo that their role really its not to stresso ver their children;s future..not int this sense at leas.t. .give them foodshelther support lots of love adn encouragement.. wadeva they do man..parents dun compare! parents! dun make results the major thing i nlife. sch is supposed to be part of the child;s life.. this small part.. not life itself..

parents.. du ncompare ur kids with thier frens their siblings.. their wadeva.. u knwo. du nput them down all the time..
i du nwant to talk abt myself bUT.. i was compared to neighbour children, to my classmates to so mnay ppl.. mroet han i can rmb..adn it felt bad.. everytine i studied everythiNg i did for a while was to make sure i was beter than someoen else.. and then i always see someone in front. someone i cant overtake..and its a sucky cycle to be in..cmon parents..parenst ..look at urselves.. do u thk if u do the psle now. .u will getwad...280++ oh parents.. do u thk u can do o levels now..
oh parents.. cmon..its a harsh fact but ur child possibly will oni be aas gd as u..aas the sayin go ITS IN THE GENES.. yeah u can stretch it. ucan push them..u can make the mmotivted,give themall the education.. upport fnancial backin..but at the end of teh day parents.. ode to u.. u have to accept that ur child is never goin to be.. micheal jordan..

i feel depressed wen my mum tells me abt how the parents of kids she teach discuss their children.
how children hate tehir siblings..how older siblings look down on younger ones who cant rise up.. how parent dotes on the child that produce more results..

and often..oarents are blind. .they cant see htat they are favourin a child more say subconsciously..TO another jsut becos u thk that child "deserves" more love and praises for doin oh so well

i have nice parents..but stil li growin up being compared.. feelin afraid of everyone ..afraid of losing every day of my life. its not a nice feelin..and its sth u cannot free urself frm..u thk the world wun accept u if iu slip and fail..

and uwill.

and u can grow up hatin a parent for ur lives..that no matter what u necome..ihow e cahnges.. the scar is too great to heal..

and worse of all parents may never understand or see where they have gone wrong.. they have this shield which says.. hey but i gave them all the support.. I SLOGGED like mad for them..

but the child may never think so...

and when he goes mad ..does crime.. he can feel elevated.

i worry alot for the future generation.

the thoughts expressed and incoherent.. till i get my thoraic relationsi n order its unlikely the author can produce anything sane

a lot lighter

2006-11-02T08:59:00.000-08:00

nobody knows the way its gonna be.

hmm ok i aim to sleep earler tonight. 2am.. sigh havent updated or use the coms in eons otehr than to do PBL problem ased learnin.. which is qutie interesting.

i never thought i saw myself readin up extra and so on..but yeah i love my course. just that man the pace is too merciless.
CA is really loomin by and i feel so way behind.. i m alr goin for lesstrg.. prob will make a diff frees up more time and i be less tired.. hais but i dun want to lose wadi ve gained ovrer trg.. sigh.

been sleepin at 3 consecutively at lest i nthe past i too kaft nps but i havent been doin so.. bleagh..
gonna play stephen lim on sat and that will be the last of playhouse.. ha my actin career. bleagh.. i m kinda worried i will screwup.. wads new nick.

i feel likei m in a total diff environment.. weill i am..
but it feels like u know studyin hangin out late into the night readin ..it reminds me of my japan days.. jsut hangin out look at the lamp post outside the study room..enjoyin the novelty of bein alone..stayin up late.. its just that feeli nwhen u get when u re either admitted in the hosp or just travelin alone overseas.. minus the stress..

andi m iss u so.. someone hasnt repliedm y email. bleagh.. prob havin too much fun. heh..
i needa life i guess.. but i cant see myself doin less.. biathlon, swimmin coachin tuition road relay.. playhse which is ending. .and readin textbooks over listenin to lectures..

i guessi a bsolutely ccant survive lectures.. anything more than ten mins and i feel liek i m bein tortured. u see.. thats y i dun have many frens.. or u know wadeva.. i cant stand havin to listen to ppl for too long..oops but isnt that wad a doc i supposed to do...

developin the love and stamina for readin text books is one thing.. but its not very good if ur attn oni lasts the front part and at the end stages of readin ..i m jsut readin the words without gettin the picture..sigh.

ok brain function decreases with lack of sleep too. and i promised to slp earlier.

i wanna go back to japan.
i wanna go back to thedays where i knwo what i m doin
i dun wanna doubt the person i m morphin into
i just wanna smile for no reason at all..

i want t o feel a lot lighter.

time permit

2006-10-24T07:42:00.000-07:00

日本語でタイプできる、嬉しい。
あなたの声を聞ける、嬉しい。
スカイプをできる、嬉しい。
でも、僕は毎日、いつかあなたの笑顔を見るかと思う。もちろん，悲しいの感じが心に住んでいます。

実話，忙しい生活、疲れたっだ。
haha its quite hard to type in jap.. but fun. hmm man souldnt be bloggign as usual. the two days hostel break jsut slip by adn here i m typinaway on my white engine. fallin short of all targets as usual. never meeting them.
itried my best t ostudy as much as i could.. maybe the best is jsut .. i dunno..its all in the mind i guess.. on one hand i would liek to believe that the hman spirit can be pushed beyond limits..the key is the mind. o nthe other hand, exasperated me shous i give up.

but then agn have i not alwasy been doubtful. it wouldnt be the first time that i thk i m not gonna make it.
and yeah progress has been slow at best. feelin abit ofa panic attack alr.

feelin fatas well. studyin adn snackin lateinto the night. i feel my heartbeat slightly raise as fatique sets in.
but still i took time off.. to entertain myself.. watched you tube some funy videos.. went blog surfing..and did u knwo those kind of blog personality tests.

this one abt love life says..
You (me) can have oni one true lover.
you will not settle or be happy with change
You have been hurt deeply before
You need to have someone attractive that u can show off.
the type of relationship that suits u best is a marriage.

bleagh. ha shrugs. the topic of love life suld be shelved on one of u know those top shelves where due to a particular dimension disadvantaged i bv reach. yeah.
but anw. i got a msg to remind me abt my yan li bu qian..odd enuff. as these thts were runnin thru me

i still feel so distant. ohanother quiz saays that my vocab sucks..grammar is exceptional maths is genius general knowledge is below average.. haha..

sheesh the thigns i ll do to get metab off my chest.. thorax i mean.
and then.. therare things ican do to feel liek i m frozen i nanother space.
maybe its called schizo..but i feel liek i can dwell i na continuous journaling state. aka talkin to myself..

and sth yu qiang said has bee nmore than resounding..
he said.. are u happy? i believe that u must be happy in life. u must do the things u like.. and not u have to..or feel forced to..now that feels liek an education.

he said.. i didnt seem to enjoy swimmin for hall.. or trg the team.. he say if u liek if u need to study..then study..if u liek to have alot of stuff then go ahead..shouldnt feel pressured or forced. and i wonder wad happiness might mean. i dunno..yeah i like to train teac hswim.. i liek like to like stuff. but then wad makes me happy i dunno..perhaps nth.

perhaps life is meant to be a sequence of disatisfaction. u know u get by u feel releived u du nfeel happy. u du nget by..u go..ugh adn constipated. i dunno.. andi sat at the food court thinkin over wad he said feelin like i was frozen in time.. as if i was runnin and the world might wait for me to return..venous returm..erm no.. but return..
adn i see a man draggin his child literally.. an old man complainin the barber had been too rough on his grand sn;s sideburn..a mother obviously puts on weight after delivery of a few kids.. never regainin her figure.. adn the cleaners.. bitchin and fightin over who was teh last irresponsible colleague of theirs who shun the washin duties.. and he couples.. wh olook eternally angry at each other.. and the couples where oni one is eager to return affection.. and the couples who feel the need to display al ltheir affection.. i listen to the conversations ard me. .and wonder why we all so different.. are al lat the same place and same point of time.. wad happens when ur children grow up..when u have spend this much money $$$24232511938547 on his living expenses.. tuition fees.. adn he leaves u.. and what might u have achieve.. a lifetime of joy..what do u passo n when u leave this plac.e. there is so much i dunno..and i thk of the cadavers swimminin myhead.. how did u end up where u are today.. is everything a form of service even serving up to this point..from the little children who cant keep their hands from overstretchin their clothes to the mums who spank whack slap them on the train..fro mthe eng speakin to the coarse chinese curses..from the sweaty basketballer to the man in tie with hypertension brewing beneath his skin in the arterioles..

where are we..who are we..and we all need some form of healin all of us. no matter how happy. the world displays dsinterest. the cutest kid gets attn for oni a split second.. before he annoys.

buffer me. from all this. return me to a period of ignorance.
i wishi didnt feel so old.

お久しぶり。多分皆さんが私のこともう忘れた。もう大じょぶ。

zipper

2006-10-23T02:46:00.000-07:00

zipperng
horror and gasps.
today is hari raya puasa..and i m in a festive mood? yeah right.
i m on my chocolate diet ..its really bad i guess.. but nvm carnitine.

so random. i thk carnitine sounds lieka crude name for an enzyme.
argh.. metab metab..

best fren.. no one msges me anymore.. ha at least not for unofficial business..

just turnsout that i ve plenty of official stuff tosettle..
ok i decided that iprob stay in dec..after all i need tostudy and i be super busy. i ll make a point to go home as much as i can. it be too troublesome to move everything out yeah.

i can t wait for dec to come.. and it doesnt seem one bit far.. cos weeks are flyin by me.. CA is comin.. it shouldnt mean much i guess.. but hell it means a lot..

i cant wait for xmas. even tho i prob be in sg and not some european wonderland. haha

man. i need a holiday.. not a one day one.. somethign like 4 mths.. man i have been reviewin this yr..its so wow..
emotionally rollercoasterlly..

geez. first it was enthusiasm..enlistment.. then it was dread.. then it was boredom..then it was hell..then heaven then hell agn.. and now.. back to sch..and soon exams... its so eventfully eventless..

ok the yr is far from the end btu lets see.. iserved 6 mths of ns.. feelin a big confusion and blurness.. went to church.. then hmm went to different units... went for multiple interviews..tried multiple jobs.. and then got int omedicine.. and then ..study med..entered a world of totally unfamiliar faces..and then..realise that i m the unfamiliar one.. and woosh..now i ve lots to study.. i went fro mone full circle..sch out of sch and back to sch..

this is the first yr where things werent certain.but then agn many things are meant to be.. and beyond our ctrl.

who wuld have tht i still be i n sg.. that i be in nus studyin med..

so for eevrything that is uncertain.. du nrush me into makin a decision.

hurt. cos it hurts.

2006-10-18T00:09:00.000-07:00

no talent at all.
i feel alot better these days. tired as usual..pressure increasingl building up. but its all fine.
i wanna do really well.. in everything i do btu sometimes things are just not meant to be. everyday we let our standards slip by and eventualli we will be far from ideal and formulate dreams too distant.

swimming coachin is pretty fun.. yu qiang..joined us.. and he as kinda excited abt trg alr i thk. .so i feel really ahppy.. it ups my morale alot.. i mean trag a losing team is one thing.. btu trg a team who is not wllin to train is tough werk.. or rather its not that they are not wilin to train.. they jsut kinda cant finish an st u give them.. adn they keep findin excuse adn crampin.. ok not everyone has the psyche to push themselves and train.. eeryone has a diff pai nand mental threshold i guess.. but that sucks cos if u dun push ursel u ll neverget far.. thats the sad reality.. true there wil lalways be better than u.. but its all abt reducing the numebrs isnt it.. i guessi j ust hate losing.

i believethat i m a bad person a non trusting person in general. i alwasy suspect teh worst in pp andi fearppl are out there to do me in. i dunno i alwasy fee lthat everyone has an ulterior motive and i shuld watc hmy back. but i ugess there are reall ynice ppl out there..and i shud learn to apreciate..i kinda left the equipment at the pool after trg yest.. but well was lucky i manage to rush back intime to get it.. i tht i would be goi nback to get them lone. .btu when yu qiang ran all the way back.. i felt really liek wow.. thi is a great guy.. i was really touched. hmm i guessi shouldlearn to.. be more humble? itsn to that i feel suprios or wad.. ijust havet he tendency to not liek ppl..but yeah i see that soem ppl are not fake and are really that nice.. at times.. eebnt ho they are competitive and keep oni to themelves..
-
hais i guess i m just goin in circles abt wad i want to say. btu i thki make a lousy fren .. boy-fren .. son or wadeva..

but i m really glad yu qiang trains now.. eyah..i m sure he be better than me soon..

im exhausted.. i feel that i m not studyin things in depth i m not goin into specific orf trgs.. ineed to go get engorge in the details i guess.. surface mugging is not gd enuff..

mustnt be so easily satisfied.. i must push myself harder.

imust remind myself to be mroe tolerant to be less critical of others.. to be a better person everday..and to feel less irritable and easily aggigtatted, to be less impatient.. it sucks to be me really. i wish i could run away fro mmyself

it was raymond s b day yest. .ordered macs haha.. and they did the knockout hing on me.. deep breaths..stand up..chest compression andi was knocked out..ha took ten seconds for me to recover.. they video the whole thing.. andi had not memory of collapsin when i woke up.. the physiological reason is quite coo ltoo..see ur head needs co2 as a stimulus.. but yeah after takin multiple deep breaths.. u will hyperventilate.. haha then wehn u stand up more blodod wil lrush to ur head.. then eventualli the chest compressio nincrease ur breathing capacity..adn i knocked out onto the ground.. haha i was smilin thruout.. so freaky..adn later ater a few seconds of severe spasms thaen i came back conscious..the girls were freaked out haha.. coool stuff..and they said they never see me smile so happily b4.. haha i was smilin when i was unconscious..

wonder wad ran thru my head haha.. few things make me smile u know.

oh i was tryin ti convince kumaran o join swimmin and he said.. fren.. have u seen an indian swam in ur swimmin ccareer.. seriously indianns cant swim.. they can run but not swim.. haha waddde... ful of rubbish..ahah i told him yrah i wanna see an indian swim.. lol..

honestlyi used to joke abt that all the time.. tt it was quite mean..but to hear it from an indian himself..hahahtats a first.. i ve seen two indians swam i nmy life.. haha te first crammed.. the second.. hmm..ahha

andh e said if he goes down trg i must tell him the name of a girl in hall that i like mght like or use to like.. oh man.. haha
ath la.. i be happy to train him.. haha i saidi ll tell him if he goes down for trg..

haha i m nto the "affectionate item of many girls" pls. .. i have sucha dao and balck face.. and i eat dinenr alone.. haha stupid seniors.

run

2006-10-16T00:43:00.000-07:00

if oni i can spend more time at home.
if oni weekends dun slip by s quickly
if oni i could spend time takin silly photos
if oni i could feell ike i finished a race everyday

but i finish a race everyday.
i do.

its just not a race without you

whine

2006-10-14T18:29:00.000-07:00

its 9 30. gasp sunday.
time really flies. i wish i could stay at home longer.. u know.

slept the whole of yest.. crap.. all cos i stayed up the whole fri night playin bridge.. was stupid.. had all my stuff in the study room,,tehn got a call for supepr.. decided to go but ended playin cards till 5 am! cos u kow when u haveoni 5 pl to play bridge its really hard to stop playin it means someone dun get to play.. hais.. and its my deck of cards..

ph wells.. i guess u thk i shuld learn to relax.. no need to stress.. study less hard.. but unlike most ppl.i fig i really have very little time alr.. and so i pushed.. actuali i didnt sleep on sat. .i went on studyin..feelin bad abt the whole fri night.. i mean the way we palyed.. it was as if it was orientation chalet agn.. haha..medicamp..

but yeah evenuali died at 10 pm.. ok time to study again..
i really miss home.. tho my room is totally used by my bro now.. sleeps on muy bed.. use my table as an extension of his earthly mess..bleagh

2006-10-12T08:12:00.000-07:00

i want a sticky fren too. someone who wil lfollowme ard. someone who will care where i go what i do and everything. i dun liekthe feeli nof bein a loner. i dun care if i dunno anyone else in the wholesch. i jsut want one fren who will be mine.

words of a domineering ass.

and it was a bastardly thing to do.
sigh lots to study nth new. spent the night cheerin med frens on in intra hall capt ball..was a good time for laughin.. but yeah..helpedme take my mind off the fact thati feel that
1) i feel liek i m goin nowhere
2) i m achin like mad
3) i m incredibly lonely and missin
4) why am i doi nthis to myself

ha and yeah its medicine that rocks.. haha i guessitst time.. well wouldnt be the first that everyone in hall wil lview us differently..ha but eyah durin the games we awere just cheerin our faculty mates haha... it was funny.. even refering awas a tad bias towards our frens..ingeneral..med or not.

andso its human nature to be bias
its human nature to want to be loved.
to want to feel impt.
to want to win.

if only i waslesshuman.

nicked

2006-10-11T06:36:00.000-07:00

a wikipedia medical education is what we all get.
i feel lazy to update.. i shuld be STuDyin .. but i m kinda spoilt for choice.. yeah not as if this makes aany sense.. but yeah this weeks marks the near end of metabolism.. the beginnin of cvs and graduation from limbs to thorax.. cool..

oh dun get it wrong i no way envy ppl who are in army.. in fact i like my life now.. i ve always liek the intellectual stimulation and all.. i du nstudy jsut whats teted yeah.. i like to find ut mroe and cmon smack me down with details.. i just well feeel the pressure..cso everything is goin really fast.. an i have so much t ocover and i keep sleepin in lectures.. i mean ireally cant pay attn.. i wun blame the lecturers for their accents.. their deadness their wadeva.. cos i mean its al u pt ome.. i knwo i m not a lecture tutorial person.. so yeah.. its just me yeah..

i lie trgand al now.. just that its kinda takin up alot of time now.. hmm so i m happy with my life really. or do i aound lie i m tryi nto convince myself.. haha oh well.. nick.
i thki shuld earlier cos muggin alte into the night is not useful at all..but it seems the oni way out.. for now.. cos i have too much in my hands.. haha

so whats new.. had a lot of visitors this week haha and a vip lol.. yeah ppl comin to borrow stuff and yeah a vip came to my room haha.. been coachin swimmin ..its quite fun la.. u know i used to be the one with the..rgh loo kon my face.. when i hear the sets..btu givin sets is different noe..haha u must believe in ur sets.. and encourage them.. the nicks.. haha its so ironic.. when ppl trin me.. i l lbe makin faces..adn now i feel like i m getti nthem back..

ooh and had a logn run jsut now.. a very long run btu nice route.. sigh but i nearly caused an accident.. i didn t lok at the trafficlight. .was abt to dash across at the jn..and this gold car jsut sped out of nowhere makin the corner.. sucks.. he horned like crazy i was alr on my toes.....my fren from behind caught up..adn was lucky he pulled me back.. damn heng own him one man.. imena thing was there was anot ther car comin clsoe behind.. and cos that car theat nearly ram me came to an immediate halt.. andscreech..the car behind had to do the same. .nearly caused an accident man.. i feel damn bad.. i would rather be dead than to cause an accident behind.. somehow the price would be much lesser.. maybe no price at all..

very close indeed.

varicosed. and perforatin veins.

2006-10-08T01:50:00.000-07:00

Is this the New Year or just another night?
Is this the new fear or just another fright?
Is this the new tear or just another desperation?

Is this the finger or just another fist?
Is this the kingdom or just a hit n' miss?
A misdirection, most in all this desperation

Is this what they call freedom?
Is this what you call pain?
Is this what they call discontented fame?

It'll be a day like this one
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in

I'm singing this one like a broken piece of glass
From broken arms an' broken noses in the back
Is this the New Year or just another desperation?

You're pushing till you're shoving
You bend until you break
Till you stand on the broken fields where our fathers lay

It'll be a day like this one
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in

There's nothing here worth saving,
Is no one here at all?
Is there any net left that could break our fall?

It'll be a day like this one
When the sky falls down and the hungry and poor and deserted are found
Are you discontented? Have you been pushing hard?
Have you been through and down this broken house of cards?

It'll be a day like this one
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in

Is there nothing left now?
Nothing left to sing
Are there any left who haven't kissed the enemy?
Is this the New Year or just another desperation?

Just as I could find you, do the wicked never lose?
Is there any honest song to sing besides these blues?

And nothing is okay
Till the world caves in
Till the world caves in
Till the world caves in
Till the world caves in
Till the world caves in
Until the world caves in
Until the world caves in
Until the world caves in
Until the world caves in
Until the world caves in
Until the world caves in

nothern lites

2006-10-07T08:45:00.000-07:00

and it would seem takin a break could be a sin on its own. but then again the re are standards we define that are not achievable for everyone and when we figure them out perhaps oni perhaps cavin in might mean bein less restricted.

and the haze gets in the way obstructing my view of the characteristic moon. woke up to a psi of 130 but nevertheless i went running .. and felt really weak and tired after that.. its kinda drainin i feel to run and not see much.. the haze isreally bad.. perhaps i shuld wake up b4 they burn the trees..

and its a perfect weekend wad more can i ask for. .to be home eatin mooncaekes with mym um and hang out with my old frens.. at jz hse to listen to the different course outr lives are takin us at this moment.. sinfully lavishing time chattin from 6 to ten plus.. nth can beat that man..

i wish the haze wil lgo away..but it seems like my life is pretty fogged up too..
no i m happy really. i jsut dun want anyone to push the panic button.

and its the iguina feelin..when u thk of hernias.

I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don’t believe it makes me real
I thought it’d be easy
But no one believes me
I meant all the things I said

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don’t know how it got so bad
Sometimes it’s so crazy
That nothing can save me
But it’s the only thing that I have

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

On my own

I tried to be perfect
It just wasn’t worth it
Nothing could ever be so wrong
It’s hard to believe me
It never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

on a day like this one.

2006-10-06T01:38:00.000-07:00

and it would seem like i woke up with a new name. t onew names and everything so unfamiliar.
somewhere about a text where a coconut find its shores.
and how comei never hear u say or how come i never felt ths way.

to teh sounds of touchy chinese couples in a cold freezing room. where ure pretty sure hygience is in the mind. when inhalin reminds u of carpets present for years. wehre for once u knwo the existence of an immune system. when for once u duno anyone.

and this is whst a gd day would be. goin the distance..for 12 hours str..bein absolutel focused..once in a while u stop life for silly conversations to keep u alive. and u rmb that u re not exactly on an isand u havent been on for ur last nineteen years.. it jsut got smaller..smaller 5 days a week.

and to keep u alive...life is worked out in digits. in mechanical forms. there is jsut so much to doa nd so little energy. nope.
but life is restored when u push the white button.. and it takes so little..a phn ccall a msg.. from an old fren to remind u of the life u had. btu its different now. i m startin to feel stronger but weaker all at the same time. .braver but more afraid.

to get a call from mum.. to make it online to hear an old fren rant abt lecture.. to rmb that there are ppl fightin out there.. for me.. in my place and in battles much worst than my own is to rmb why i m here.. to jsut see ur face even in the digital format..time is a concept of man. i can beattime. i m beter than..it takes so little to find the meaning now.. i m so glad u re out there and well.. to all of u i na land i can oni imagine i m sure i m on one myself .. army frens classmates who are doin well i nother insitutes.. and sch mates.. and even overseas.. esp u.. to see u on skype.. eve nfor ten mins.. i know i dun have to sleep.

and sometimes i m not sure if i woke up.. cos every conversation wit hu peeps now seem lke a dream..but i need the assurance

and the weekends are here once agn. arent u scared.. time is slippin u so quickly. erhaps u will return soon... and perhaps we wil lall e fine by then.. btu til lthen i ll hold on. i need u more than u know. even if its a dream i cant differentiate frm reality i ll let it remain that way.

since u ve been gone
thats all u will ever hear me say.
and i wonder how i ll fee llike i was a cadaver with feelings.. bein proded all over.. at least i died a perpodeful deadth if anythign else.. at leasti m serving a purpose.. btu who would knwo what other purposes served me. wh ocan read my face now.

wh owould know me b4 my skin wrinkles..at a time when my heart was wrinkling.

nie biathlon

2006-10-02T04:44:00.000-07:00

deliri

2006-10-01T06:11:00.000-07:00

ohs sittin in my newly arranged and packed room.. looks neat now. .so i m feeli nproud of myself.. its amazin how a little hsekeepin goes a long way. .sheesh comin from nick..the erm hm alien.

and u re abducted by aliens alr. right so i m into my last few hours of the week sem break.in a way..well more ways than one it really is back t ohell.. back to the incessant mugging.. feeli nreally tired and lonely and wel lwadeva.. yeah back to oblivion..ha
btu the hey the week was great. good break gave me a chance to catch up wit hmyself..

gave lots of tuition..today alone was more than a hundred bucks..so thats gd stuff.. didnt go church tho..but ohs.. sat was nie bi! yeah the event of the week.. btu it was really relaxin i felt darn short.. adn yeah didnt feel liek it was tirin at all..nosign of aches.. but yeah.itwas a really short race.. fun la.. i wanan knwo my timin.. i didnt felt i pushed very hard tho..prob ok maybe the runnin part..i didnt push..but cos half the tie i wasnt sure if i was runni nteh right way..was damn scared i l lget lsot teh road marshalls waere not very well spaced man.. it be a joke if i really got lost.. i was hopin ppl would overtake me soi knwoe where i was goi...oni towardsthe end i really ran cos oni then i was certain where the finishin was..yeah..wewere released in batches..

but yeah i loved it man.. trg..competitions.. having a team.. it feels great.. i dunno how to explain.. yeah but i m happy.. mon no trg.. bleagh but well i guess its off seasson and time to really focus on werk.. sigh i say that al lthe time btu i m stil lbloggin..btu i kindacant decide wdto study now..cos it seems liek there is so much .a.d ni have no clue wad t ostart with..ha spoilt for choice eh..

and it feels kinda odd now.. yeah u really are abducted.. jsut 5 mins of talkin onlien to yafen make s me super happy.. ha yeah really wish i could msg her for kicks or wadeva..but yeah its 20 p.. pence.. times three.. ha

well..yeah bleagh sch. again.. the thin yellow booklet stares at me.

home seems so dstant..i mean it is even tho im not in like uk..but pasir rs really is far away took bus 197 today..frm bedok..and climbed the slopes liekcrazy luggin my stuff.. i dunno ..long journeys get me thinkin.. thinkin abt a million and onestuff.. poor synapses.. but

eyah i cant help but fee lsometiems i dun come fro m this complex palce.. thereare so many people.. all or different polarities.. some ppl are in a rush and some ve nowhere togo.. so much emotions.. so much actions..so much.. u see ift he world is a spherical mug...u kinda feel it up ith all sorts or beverages.. andi cant but feel liek i m nto part of the drink. its the takin bus effect..and soemtimes airport effect. .btu u just wonder.. wad life really means.. what are we doin here.. why is everywhere so virtually alikeand different at the same time.. and when u thk abt it .. urealise u re oni in a small red dot.. the conceptual portion is immense.. GOD. man.. shrugs. what am i doin now.. what am i doin today.. what are u doi ntomorrow.. it has no connections but everything to dowith each other at the same time.. new cars old cars..new buildings old buildings.. memory triggerin events..palces.. fake memories..

hmm bus 197 goes from vs to vj to marine parade..bugis..it passes by tc and tct.. and it kinda..jsut makes me think abt alot of stuff. .how some events lead to many other.. and what might otherwise ve been.. it passes by katong too.. and i hear the voices in my head.. my own .the past.. and so on.. i feel really old alr.

and liek a virus.. i m here to create memories in a diff chaptere i na diff venue.. and one day when i pass by nus.. maybe in a car. i shall rmb feeli necxactly the same way i feel abt vj and marine parade..and so on.

full circle. a part of the edge.

listen to mum.

2006-09-27T09:45:00.000-07:00

ooh that was in ivy;s room haha she spread two pieces of bread for me.. ahha i dunno..ppl spreadin bread for me..makes me think of my mum.. sigh.. my mum. =) we talked from 11 t oalmost 3am.. haha hostel life.. lala.

and i relally didnt plan to come online.
sigh.. i tht i would do a lot of werk today..btu looks liek i was over ambitious agn.. i mean wh oam i kiddin..

the day started well ..woke up at 6 to run.. but then everything was downhill.. ha tht after runni ni would be refresehd to study.. nope..i went to sleep hah woke u pat gasp..11.. i m really not superhuman..yeah.. and then eyah went to find jinge for kunch and ended chit chattin til lit was almost time for tuition! givin tuition of cus.. then..yeah came bac.. planned t ostudy the night.. came back at nine alr.. time relaly has no mercy.. and i went online at abt 11 till.. hmm now..when i fee lmost awake and refreshed to study..screwd up body system man.. i m like half dead i nthe day.. i actual ifelt giddy duri nthe mornin run.. ok i havent had breakfast..but yeah..

the race is on sat early mornin 715!
hwo to get to ntu so early.. defn must stay overat nus.. bleah.. and must try to sleep early..

today's ru nwas bad badBAD... i felt so tired.. and pain.. couldnt open my stride at all.. my knees were feeli nall tehblow.. adn my shoes.. shti. .really lousy..no grip alr.. the pad oso like comin out.. i can feel my sole heatin up.. a lot or friciton.. sigh ok its nto a tri shoe.. die.. pls dun be sunny on sat!

but yeah life seems normal.. and i m feeli nvery happy now.. guess why. ha

ok yeah shall get back t ostudyin..

its my life.. its now or never (NEVER) .and i feel thastp p lhave been treati nme differently since i well got int omed..i dunno if its a gd thng..but hey i m still me. sigh. but its nice to be treated wit ha higher regard.. reminds u how prestigiosu and noble bein a doc is and yeah so on..he respect..tho i m not one yet.. btu yeah.. liek my uncles.. my fren's mums.. they be like and all my neighbours.. they start aski nme abt their physical pains..adn then later they be like.. wah so gd..emdicine..wah this and wah that.. and be really yeah...i mena it makes my mum very happy she gets all teh praises tellin her how lucky she is..

hais.. what if i du nmake it thru. ok. brush those thts aside. i will. becos i m who i am. and for no other reason i ll make it thru. andi m who i m becos of YOU.

call.

2006-09-25T05:00:00.000-07:00

monday. first day of my mid sem break. well ok perhaps fri night was first day. but heck.
time flies eh.. all the anxiety felt liek yesterday..adn poof mid sem. liek a three quarters more b4 i becoem yr 2 and so on..and in between lots of stuff to graple with.

t osummarize my week would be mug train and werk. nto much of a hols. alto of time spent alone. time spent a lone is deadly for me now somehow.. i m feeli na bit schizo. haha.
btu anw been drownin in my own thts..

i was wonderin if breathing was allowed.. if it was normal.. onthursi was correctin ppl's strokes.. today my strokes were bein corrected.. 11 to 1..
oh wad have i done..agn. sigh. i guess its up to me to decide.

but this is not really a hols.. i m in hostel now cos i finish evenin trg..a bit late to rush home.. but yeah..there are actuali lots of localsard.. stayin in to mug.. more productive i guess.. hmm i m gonan find ppl to have supepr with tonight..

we always have ideals. 1) ideals principles that we stick to in live 2) ideally how much we need to do how far we need t ogo.. but wad the hell. ideally i elictedthe wrogn response from .
ideally i m fallin way behind how much i want to accomplish.

right so i have found grip i thk. i have found new purpose.. for now. at least. i m alright. yeah things arent that bad yet. i l lget there eventuali.

sigh i woke up thi mornin.. thinkin it was the hols..adn realised i have no one to call out. guys are in army.. juniors are havin As frens are either overseasor in other unis.. hmm..
but i have books and notes waitin for me. they call nick.

2006-09-19T01:24:00.000-07:00

hand in hand witha tummy ache. so far and so distant.
what might ube doin now. i wish could msg to ask. i wish i could care more. was lessselfish.

i wished i could. that u werent always so nice to me. that my inbox wsant full of oni ur msg.. even the one that says eatin mos burger?! i secretly wish u were at every corner i might turn. i cant believe jsut yest i shook ur hands..frm the desktop to the photodeck.
indeed u were a gift from God to everyone who ever knewu.
oh no.

bye

2006-09-17T23:03:00.000-07:00

back fro mthe airport. nto exactly the right time. but matters not. i saw ur back.
and i ll rmb how i watched ur back all these years.. watch it go away. whenu reminded me we are under the same sky always.
it hasnt changed right.

remind ourseles how we mus treasure ppl we have when they are near us. for the day wil lcome when we will ve to let them go. if i had a chance to turn back time.. i ll never have made u unhappy.. not once. not at all. if i could i l lstill carry ur bac kacross sahara.. i need to be strong and happy for u. yes i believe taht its GOD;s plans for u.. everything thus far. i m happy for ya.

the small girl whose uniform was too big for her. ha whp swung her hands fro mside to side.. whose thick hair looked really funny..wh oreminded me that she had oni one doub;e eyelid..who..wrote so many letters words of encouragement to me..everysingle tiem i m afraid. every single time.. the oni person i didnt ve to feel so strong in front of.. the person who made everything funny// i remembered that when i was lost .. ialways asked.. wad yafen would do.. if she were in my shoes..

i m sorry..

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

the world never felt more lonely.

if i had t orun now.. i would.

depart.

2006-09-17T07:28:00.000-07:00

hais today is a happy sad day.
darn shuld be studyin.. screw the FA man..oops..

haiyo.. my treeyard is goin to UK tml.. its so far far away.

i m happy for her really.. she deserves it. .to do the course she likes.. and everything. go on and bring joy to thelives of so many more ppl.. yeah i know ah ya will do well. i m really happy for her.

so here is all the best! come back with that degree and tell me more abt mary marry and merry!

ok willkeep u in my prayers. always =)

jazz it

2006-09-14T05:31:00.000-07:00

its a thursday. there is no chill. one more week to first sch vaccation. ifsrt test comin up on monday tho.. hmm
yeah aint no chill.. i tht uni might mean i could be hangin out with frens go town watch movies..slack.. but so far.. its nth but a const worry that i cant keep up with werk.. even when u are not sure what u shoudl study..its a cause of worry..

i guess there is a lot of stuff idun unserstand yet.. and it scares me. and i haventbeen as focused as i 'd like to be.. and my memory aint really gd.. i dunno.. maybe they are allexcessive worries..

but i guess kenny G helps. yeaj listenin ot hte old sounds of havana and tunes like i will always love u..and so on..=) i love jazz.. sigh wish i could play hte sax.. and do many things right nick.

i cant deny that my mind stil lwants t odo many things.. go diving.. go cmbodia.. go bagpack go china.. go do more ccas..

but all i can think abt now.. is .. wad is gonna happne. tml.. next week, next two weeks next yr.. everything might jsut change.. will i ever knwo who i am..

erasing every bit of familiarity.. i wish i could take timeoff. cos a rational decision is oni made when one is allowed to be rational right? i want xmas. its the nicest feelin i can hope for now.

killin me softly.

but i mstil hopeful. happy where i m.. its where i always wanted to be. i jsut have to do well. yeah i ll cheer up if its the last thing i need to do.

2006-09-10T06:36:00.000-07:00

i always tht photos cheer ppl up. they do. but guess i m just really sad now.

ben readin up on lumbar fibrosis. and so on..
life can be cruel a i guess and faith is not a sure thing for me thus far. btu i went to the church today after a somewhat long hiatus. i really shouldbnt be bloggin now there are stuff to read up tutorial to do roo mto pack..need to bathe.. hell.

but i guess goin home..watchin the useless old man bein totally ignorant abt ath..complanin that he cant watch tv cos my bro is havi nhis prelims.. and so on.. and jsut sittin on the bench thinkin solely abt himself in every possible way. it aches.

i wish i can do more. man. i could lose myslefi n my text books.

are u testin me? i dunno.. thankfully i got anotther student ..sorta.. but exam period comin..and soon they will all stop for the hols.. hmm i was afraid of goin back to churhc.. icant imagine..jumpinandpraisin.. the lord today.. i know its the wrong attitude.. but i guess i nv had the right attitude. but when they played fro mthe inside out. .i was really relieved...cos i was hopin that they will play it in the mornin,,its one of those songs that i fee llalot beter after hearin..

eyah i shuld try to cher up and be positive..and not affect everyone ard me.. med bal lphotos arent nice.. but nv mind.. maybe i ll post them anyhow..

and yeah i m not gona lose my faith this time. no matter wad hits.

no matter what.. and if a spinal cord has to be ruined..if a leg has to be lost ..if anything at all.. take mine. please.
and no matter wat i ll stand there. i wish i didnt ve to feel like cryin. i wish i was stronger and s omuch more. i wish i was a better son. i wish i can always make u proud. i swear i ll.

the week is gonna feel worse. 7 more days.

cling

2006-09-09T03:04:00.000-07:00

and my fav song for now.

Too many voices, it won't take long
Which one's right, and which one's wrong
And yours is most likely to be misunderstood

Screaming in tongues
At the top of my lungs
Til I find you, til you found me
And somehow I always knew that you would

And I am contemplating matters
All this cling and clatter
In my head, and what you said
Is ringing, ringing faster

And it's all good if you would
Stop the world from making sense
And if I could just realize

It doesn't really matter
Doesn't really matter
Doesn't really matter

If I could touch
The sound of silence now
You know I would if I knew how
To make these intentions come around

I'm hearing without listening
And believing every word
That you're not saying
Speaking without a sound

And I am contemplating matters
All this cling and clatter
In my head, and what you said
Is ringing, ringing faster

And it's all good if you would
Stop the world from making sense
And if I could just realize

It doesn't really matter
Doesn't really matter
Doesn't really matter

Trapped inside of these four walls
Walking brainless muppet dolls
Mushroom face beneath the tangles
Bleeding silhouette inside
Dancing like an angel would

And it's all good if you would
Stop the world from making sense
And if I could just realize

It doesn't really matter
Doesn't really matter
Doesn't really matter

And it's all good if you would
Stop the world from making sense
And if I could just realize

It doesn't really matter
Doesn't really matter
All this cling and clatter

overture.

2006-09-08T08:16:00.000-07:00

and there are nights whe n ineed someoen to be with me.

i wished i was more than what i can be. more than the cling and clatter in my life..
wish i didnt ve to hide behind who i m not.

lumbar fibrosis... prob sth that will reqd surgery.
my mum is goin for x ray tml to confirm .. nad so on..she stil lwent to werk to day brt the kids to pierce reervoir..and climbed slopes till she can barely walk on..

anger and tears arent suppsoed to werk together.

larger strides mr.

2006-09-07T09:43:00.002-07:00

u have t otake larger strides mr. in life in races in everything u do.. no time to look back. right?

i love u more than u ever will know.. wah lau i was singin my fav lifehse in the toilet and someone shush me.. i m so disasppointed! hais my muscles are all strained i thk.. and yeah my hip joint feels really weird.. i guess iw as never cut out for spritns.. bleh..actuapli i m starti nto dislike road relay trg.. haiyo its really tiring.. and competitive.. ok maybe its jsut me.. i hate to be last..

hais mum has slipped disc.. most prob acc to the doc.. its bad u know..she may not listen but i have been studyin nerves till i wanna vomit.. all the names are so close sso hard t ormb,..but yeah i thk i m getti nfine...mugge alot today..gd progress mr nick..

hais but its so hard to convince my mum ..she wil lgo on abt how can she possibly stopped werki nor doi nthe laundry..and my bro has its o's this yr.. hais.. i dunno wad to do.. i keep ..i worry abt the worst u know..

what if one day eveyrone leaves me.

rabit cytoplasm.

hais.

for now i wanna get lost inthe lenght of ur hair.

of the class

2006-09-04T06:43:00.000-07:00

listenin to classicals now.. hmm cos its the oni availabkle playlist.. but its cool stuff.. jsut had hall dinner.. will comtemplate runnn later.. anw ponend trg and did quite a lotof muggin today,..tho not sure how effective it really was but at least got a bit of progress la. hais so tired nowadays..

days just pass with so many things on my head hardly can thk or breathe.. feel liek i m in a total different life. detached fro mthe rest of the world. .i jsut wanna go to my roo m and hide. sigh i wish things were all different.. wish i didnt have to wish so much.

technical details. .jsut had ,ed bal lover weekends formal dinenr just now. .and yeah crazy jugglin of schedule.
slept in lectures agn liek wads new. sigh.

but i m realyl pushin i thk.. i never tht i listen to anyone for more than ten mins..

i fear the worst.

i m not ashame

2006-09-01T09:20:00.000-07:00

endorphins is a funny thing. it makes u hapy for no reason at all..but u can jsut smile to urself and feel gd..haha i think i lak discipline.. jsut had super withthe med pplagn after roadrelay trg.. it was quite nice..yeah but my knees are dyin once agn..likewads new.. argh..the cartilage needs time to heal..heh but at least got yu qiang ther..i wascontemplatin whether to ru nor not ..cos i relaly need time to figure out my forearm muscles.. but thanks to yu qiang he tht me the method this prof tht us.,..but eh was very soft andi couldnt really hear him when i crased his lect tuday..andi feel really happy

and my interval timings are nto bad..for now la.. ha haiyo but mustadmit i felt really faint duringt he sets..signs of low sugar and lack of slp.. heh.

and life is always liddat..or rather studyin there are alwasy lots of secrets..i mean liek we are all gonna be med students..and all btu still there are things like.. luckier ppl who get beter profs and everyone rushin to crash the lectures.. jsut like how muggin alway have secret notes that ppl may not share with .. i mean..haiyo in a sense its qutie unfair right..resources shuld be equal..hais but hten there are always profs and tchas that are mroe dedicated then pthers..its lalabt luck..and makin gd use of opportunities when they arise.. liek taki nthe initiative to crash lects and all.ha..yeah but oh well i m happy that i caught on.. prof koon really is superb.. guess eeverthing hjas a wa to be muggd or commited tomemory.. jsuthave tofigure it out.. eh

and once agn studyi nanatomy leaves us in awe..i mean it shuld..man liek to th knth is too hard for them.. to comprehend to fathom and so on..but well thk agn.. have u tht y we are the way we are.. how superb the body is created and all.. praise God...
hmm so much brillancein this world du nbelong to man..

there is no need forpride.
once agn..

oh and yeah happy tchas;s day.s iwoudl really liek to than kall the ownderfu ktchas who havemade huge differences in my life.. i havealways been oh so lucky.. really.. i dunn oif i deserve so much of all that i m.. but i know that tchas have made much in my life possible..the great tchas..

ha my bro wished me happy tchas day.. thats a first..

ohhaha the team singlet is quite..funny btu yeah..it says

how far more to go.. why am i doin this will i reach the end.. wil li et to a higher level..what is my limit.. why do i endure all htese.. haha it be cool when someone runni nbehind u read it.. haha..yueah

and why am i doi nthis.. hais. i need time time.. i m so hard pressed for time..but thats not true.. its there.. i jsut need mroe disxipline.esp if i wanna juggle so many things.. impossible is nth,.,yeah

oh hq crashed my room lastnight.. i felt quite bad.thk i wasnt a good host haha..haiyo..but haha at the very least he sees how hall is like..haha right..

ok its late 2 am.. bleh.

d.

2006-08-29T08:38:00.002-07:00

.. haha yeah proof that my mac rocks.. haha photo was taken by my mac cam. oh no this is the second day where i nv touch my books.abit excessive.. one day was extravagant alr.. haha hais.. time is precious and it jsut slips away liek no one's business.. yeah i m stressed. no matte wad onthe senoirs claim.. i jsutfeel otherwise... i really worry. ok i wanna do well..tho dean'slist seems impossible iwanna do reasonably well..but who knows right.. i may get retain or wad.. oh man. the tht is frightenin..

anw yeah i need toslp early tonight.. jsut had med supper..tht it was quite sian..the novelty of meeti nppl n havin random supper is dyin off.. the new novelty is sharing music..ooh that rocks..its way better than tv or radio.. itunes allow me to tap into other ppl's music and i can listen to a wide range of songs.. i mean the average itunes has 2000 songs.. cool stuff i have unlimited music now..thsi is realy addictive..so much for music therapy..

tm lis gonna be alongggg..day..i end at 530...then got trg..swimmin then dinner rush..then road relay trg..oh man..crazy day.

btu today was good lessons ended at 10! haha and i was sleepin durin the lectures today..haha
really pushin alr.. so tirin..

then had dinenr with d... yeah i thk the photo is really preety.. haha or maybe its just d.

athlon

2006-08-28T10:12:00.002-07:00

haha happenin day sia. lecture was one big blur.. oh not really nut ok la.. i dunno al lthe lecturers speak funny. really difficult to understnad too much stresso n my axons..

ha right not funny. did ncall home. oh man. anw today went k boxin with frens..og mates.. sigh i know hat i ve to cut down on expenses but..this is pretty bad..peer pressure..and i dunno yeah..and i shuld be studyin but i just feel that i wun be able to accomplish much today..

i think i need more discipline. its the same as trg..no slackin off man... just keep pushing. regardless of the pain. my knee feels terrible..esp after teh runs..hais.. i thk i should oni be doi nslow jogs now..btu today;s trg "fun run" was quite mad.. cos of the two ppl i nfront who cheonged all the way..andi lost the ppl behind me totally.. so i had t oru nto find them..wah the pace is really.. i think i kinda maxed my runnin alr.. i dunno..ok maybe its better to thin kthat there are no limits..but i m not exactly mr positive..

had sports com interview and choir audtions jsut now..haha not bad..been long since i sang chords and scales..kinda missed singin seriously for fun.haha yeah btu i think its too many activiites..i must stdy hard.

i sang kai bu liao kou..which i thk was a very safe manageable song..haha yeah but my voice was tremblin..singin to three ppl can be quite intimidatin..esp when u have t owatch ur pitch and so many things are runnin thru ur head..haha but oh well.. i think it was ok...shuld get in..

this life is pretty cool.. have ur pseudo community..neighbours and frens,. manage ur meals washin clothes..studyin..sleepin time.. and so on..but

i cant help but wish .. idunno perhaps if i came from a family with no problems(prob no such fam exist) but fam where my mum was stronger..healthier..bro was better everything. .dad was more stable..i be really enjoyyon sch and hall life.. but i have to admit i m fadin away int othe background..and just stonin when i dunno..when i thk of wad might be happenin at home. i need to study hard.. things are pretty rough.

and u re leaving once agn.

athlon

2006-08-28T10:12:00.001-07:00

you there!

2006-08-26T09:15:00.001-07:00

rather nasty day.
listenin is exhausting but we all have to do it right.

its another one of those unbloggable days where u cant say ath coherent.
iwish i wasnt so average and i wish i was better at everything..nto that that will stop time in anyway at all..

ok my typin is really bad cos i alwasy have tons of books on front of me as i attempt to stretch out t oreachthe keyboard..right now my head is racing t otell mi wad muscles are involved in carry out that operation but i dun really wanna know?

bleagh i m still studyin the same stuff..agn and agn.. life has toomany details..liek right now my mind..has a million and one thts...fro mmajor ones to things like geta thumb drive..no not the scaphoid one..

and yeah joke of the day by glenn haha wad if we ahd a hongkonger how would allt he bones name sound like..or muscle names..try sayin omohlyoid..haha or however its splet..

and just keep runnin. runnin is a sign of runnin away. so is studyin and so on.. but there is really alot to ru naway from.. frm a man who seem to be losin ctrl.. over his vrer life..frm million and one issues..that will not leave me alone ..fro mknow in that i can nv have or be what i want to be.. i wish i was better at everything. i wished i was someone real.

2006-08-26T09:15:00.000-07:00

me king

2006-08-23T10:28:00.000-07:00

flip a coin. widget.
widgets re cool stuff really haha time now is 130 am..considered relative early..haha sheesh thisis hall life..nocturnal..
could wake up late tody..and perhaps tml mornin.cos lessons in the afternoon..shuangs..
acutali i kindaliek hall life alr.. get to knwo more med ppl.. and eyah its really very independent and so on a lot of freedom. can train as much as i like. there are nice terrains to run ard here which i dun think i ll get bored of..can train still my hamstrings feel tighter than aguitar..haha my lame line..

first aid is pretty well ok la..gives me time to catch up on my werk..there is so much readin to do..eyah tml is cca fair for hall..hmm thinkin of joinin acapella.. haha but prob must prac altoand its stressful..i dunno will joi swimminadn hopefully gym com ha. yuppers.

i didnt call home for soemtime actuali..thats bad. ok tutorial time.

2006-08-21T09:18:00.000-07:00

ooh anat is really fun..well nto the lectures of cos..i have a feeli n that somehow med is all abt self study yeah..i mean the lectures so far are really..sigh. cmi. btu yeah self discovery thru text book is fun..ahha like the survey said "my lecturer enhanced my sth sth to read u pmore " and my fren said of cos la.immediately cos the lecturer is really...

anw yeah so i ve been feelin my whole upper limb for the lasst ttwo hrs whilereadin netter and snell..pretty cool but progress is slow i think. i fear i have too many activities..but i dun,they are all one track..all sports..i wanan join some cultural stuff or CIp stuff too..shrugs..anyhow.

yah today trg was nice..haha endorphins..trg is always nice.yeah we didd fart legs for 20 mins b4 swimmin and lots of other strength buidin,,leagh.fart legs is when u run round the track..sprint 100 slack 100 sprint 100 slack hundred..very tirin..
thin ki ll ache like crazy tml..for sur.e..

yeah still feeli nmyself..haha oh no i m too in love with my mac..its kinda distractin maybe i need to study i nthe study room..
or wadeva..hmm..

i like my desktop pict..=)

burnin feet

2006-08-20T09:28:00.000-07:00

lieka burning man. yeah next week is pay day hopefulli can get another student soon.
cool sia was chatti nwithedgar and alotof ppl..online..

wah feelin my endorphns now..haha such a bimbiotic thing to say..but i feel happy today..yeah its the feeli nafter a race..
my feet is burnin hot stilll..(not hot legs) yeah inter block relay wah cool stuff..i was a bundle of nerves im ean fien it was oni 2k..and then yeah a 6 man relay team basically u run this winding path and back..then the next runner.. iwas the last runner for my block..so its stressful la need to be fast..wah i thin k ineed new shoes..the cushion spoil.but i m very sentimental..these shoes been wth me for 3 yrs i think..run for bus lectures girls and al sorts of nonsense..haha yeah didnt eat dinenr cos was afraid would puke..but yeah i survived admist the lactic in my legs..haha ok this is oni half of the real run dist..my team came in 3rd..which was quite cool..3 girls 3 gusy.the girls in my team were fast i guess..yeah we were actuali ard last when it was my turn..so yeah had t ocheong..i did a timin of 8 sth..2 k..not bad..eh..yeah quite prouud ofmyself..guess trg does wonders..btu i still an opponent of ling dist runnin now..its really bad for the knees..haha

the joek of the say was telli nthat ot my fren..adn the next moment.a senior in the hall road relay team asked me ..hey u wanan joi nthe team.,think u are not badtrain with us la..ur runnin quite steady..shuai summore..haha oh man she was prettty..and i jsut couldnt say ath..but..erm ok.. sure..then she said ok i ll take ur name..mark u down..wed is first initiatio nrun..

whoosh mark me down.so embarassin..later haha was confronted by her and her two frens agn..they say i like very shy..haha ask me got gf not gee.. anw yeah i went to starry;s room toget food and kill ants.haha she really has a stash of lots of food..can open mama shop hahalo woner how she will react when she read this..yeah..its nie to have a fren in hall..as i nclose fren..yeah. haha

i feel bad. happy bday fcbc..well atleast manage to spent time with ya today..every darn min means alot..een jsut looki nat ur face and rememberin every featyure of it..somehow..i wun be ableo to do so next time. lunch. haiyo.

time freeze.ahha i no need a fridge alr. so many freezers ard..hahand fridge..ok not makin sense..

i hope tml wu nreally have much runnin hope its a swim focus trg..and i need tostudy seriously ..

proclaimin

2006-08-19T08:18:00.000-07:00

yeah shout it out. the first msn nic on my list says integrity doin the right thing even when no one is watchin. no prize for guessin whose nic that is.

doi nthe right thing eh..nick hasnt been doi nso apparently. hot on the tail. time was poorly spent today..werkin and then dunno wad..read afew pages of weather..went back to hal lto dump clothes cos dad has vehicle todya ..retrieved lap to pfrom hal land yeah been playi nwith it..

went to lijuan's hse forhse warmin and celebrated jed's bday..

life is like an a sequence of actions and long broing readouts..
i feel a bit depressed now. cos i saw u today and u re leavin and i worry i will not get used to nto seei nu anymore.. haiyo but i should be happy cos we are all leadin our dreams..adn we are gonna study and do what we always (pok maybe not always)want to do..i feel really happy for u. but i m selfish everytime i think of it i wish i could keep u in my pocket .. shrink u..

the brighter side of life comes in white and has a concave apple on the surface. so says my fren. ur truly technical subsitute that is infinitely more reliable that the ncertainties of bei nhuman..

and so we keep on scringing.. iwanan do alotof stuff go cambodia do lots of community werk..backpack..dive..and much more..but mumy dearest whpo wun stop coughin..has oni this to say.nola study first next time al ot of chance.. better make it alot of money involved..divin next tiem la..everything is expenses..how much? alto of money leh..even buyin a gift unnecessarily warrnated me a scoldin..boo next yr my rich frens are gonna drive their own car..ok

ok watch ur thts nick cos they are uinhealthy. i mean wh ocares abt the rich ppl..has it ever affected me..no..i ve been surrounded by rich losers all my life.. i have werked and study anw..its juts that i relaly wish i could do so much,...go dive travel..i dunno..i dunno ok.. i m bein naive..i told my parents that the 4mths hols nect yr will be the best longest break i have for the next 15 yrsand they be like..no la sure havechance..nex ti me no hols meh..cannot take leave meh..truth is yeah really cannot..but oh well..tehy woudlnt know..adn utr truly..maybe i really ought to just think abt doin well..

and not ath else..so that aspect of life is scringed.
ppl ask mi wad cca i join i said aquathlon..adn the ybe like wads that cos i thin ki cant pronounce it.. and when they finally get it hey be like..wah i m competin too or wadeva..haiyo but i dunmo how to tell hthem that im not really pro..adn i du nintend to competet.i jsut liek to run and swi malot..enthusiast.. btu competiton..i dun want..cps a lot of expenses..i jsut wanna train to keep my sanity. btu i guess eventuali i ll be takin part..with nus..

and the third scringin
blegh my og seems very interested i who i l lliek i nmed.. somehow they seem very sure i ll get attached soon or will be hittin on someone soon.. bleagh..but well look at me..my life is a mess. these pp lare way to ogd for me.. i will never own a car in the next wad ten yrs? heh i ll never be deans lister.. i m short a bag of worries.. broke.. and du nlike mixin ard..and worst of all..i m hopelessly wishin for a miracle. that may nv come. so pls.. i dun have the confidence or the urge to "gp after anyone" its too draining. at least not for now. i stil lfeel unstable.

it beats too fast. when it sees u. saltatory.

of runs

2006-08-18T08:24:00.000-07:00

home at last! yay..but eew windows..
but there is comfort in familiarity as always. feel quite bad brt a lot of clothes hoem to wash..nah next time i will go home on sat and spend fri night washin my clothes..

yeah a lady fainted in front oif me at the ineerchange.. in the 88 bus line next to mi..it was a slow mo dramatic faint.. more likely due to lack of sleep..haha ok ITS not supposed to be funny.. but it was. ooop..i guess thats cos i m just a student.. so Oh DUN SAY THAT>. haha

i didnt i m a bit high still for no real reason at all.haiyo i wish i could stay at home.. but hostel is not too bad too..lots of freedom..not that i dun get them..but runnin at midnight is really thrillin esp up hills with blinkin street lights and nto a car in sight..its cool. to feel the adrenaline rush..

i kept hearin my "coach"'s voice.. do not be afraid of the distance..as long as it is there u ll get there..wad u see u alr have.. so look further... yeah haiyo but i still run very slow.. i think..compared to the team.. and my knees are bleagh.

haha but this mornin i ran very fast to sch..it was really cool..(well it wasnt supposed to be) ok this entry should be titled nick has the runs..

haha anw i woke up 5 mins b4 the ,ecture..forgot to set the alarm..ahah so i dashed u pteh stairs and down the slopes and more slopes and more stairs..it was damn hot and i was changin as i ran.. ahha yankin my clothing is all directions.. haha it was really drama.. i heard some ppl sayin .who is that ah..is he local? haha but anw.. i did my shirt's lasat button a few steps b4 reachin the door oni to listen to STAND by me by oasis..(well not oasis of cos) but its pretty cool..i wanna sing too..in a small grp..

i need lots of files..the notes and papers are pilin up..sch blues eh..but its ok la..i kinda like wad i m studyin..actuali i was feeli npretty low with all the constant braggin from ppl ard me..till i met mei xianmyclsmate at the sci canteen i tole her..hais a lotof smart ppl here la..rjish..and hse told me nto to worry..ur bio always top top one..ha..yeah i dunno but that kinda helped me pull thru the week..

am i not pathetic.. i dun need praises or assurances..i no need to be influenced by anyone ard me.. i just need to be me.

dessicated. it means dried.

ur mercy remains

2006-08-17T11:08:00.000-07:00

ur light will shine when all else fail. my favourite song is truly from the inside out. haha i dream to sing it in front of a mass audience someday worshippers..haha sounds far far away. thats wad dreams are

today was pretty cool day two of usin my mac..ha at one pt i didnt turn it off completely it was only in sleep mode and was burnin hot in my bag oh well..lesson learnt..this baby is really precious to me tho yeah it really is imcompatible with many stuff..
but who cares. its wad i like. right? isnt it the same with ppl?

yeah who cares. today was a realyl meaningful eventful kinda day. ok minus supper it would ve been my drema day..u know studyin and running and meetin new ppl. ok from the back.. i just came back fro msupper...haha woon yang wanted to make me sandwich i think he is a really sweet guy or at least to his frens..i feel really blessed. i mean all these ppl ccould ve treat me like a outcast afterall..i m this new guy in their life..yeah or maybe thi is just me and how i always feel towards new ppl..like why botherin knowin them? so long as i m comfortabe kinda attitude..ok i guess thats bad.

supper was spent well fellowshippin? haha gossipin i guess abt many things.. its quite funy to watch the yr 2s shot off longlong medical names..charmaine is really funny i m so thakful she is my councilor and not anyone else. yeahok i have very nice seniors i think. i wonder if my juniors ever tht of e this way..

and i met my neighbours at last.. a bunch of guys..not med ppl..started askin me alot abt army and so on..haha y? ppl get out of the army phase man..it was in no way enjoyable..i felt that i have wasted alot of time alr..hais but yeah its ok..we were talkin abt the stupid things in army..i guess thats sth every male in sg can comment on haha. yeah finally met my neighbours..the whole floor of them..they conered me..haha htey said i was theelusive yr one..they knocked on my door twice but i was either not ard or sleepin alr..and they caught me when i just came back from muggin,,

yeah i mug alot today..it wasnt mugging..la muggin is when u alr know everrythin or u du nplan on knowin knowin..but just need to store in ur head..yeah i read with understandin and deep interest today! hahah yeah so it was nice..tho it was the easy topics..epithelium..and membrane conduction..its alot more stuff now.. but yeah i htink its all very interestin..wheather is a pleasure to read haha..and yeah i believe that with more details oni then can we understand things fully..bio in secondary and a levels..is rather undeveloped..and there are many things we re expected to just accept as fact..no rooms for qn...i guess oni when u are fed more details can u fully understand...yeah and i m happy i think i answered alot of my own qns today..lookin forward to look thru charm;s notes..but first ineed tobe alot more tidy..i think i m gonna need lots of racks and files..and dividers..hmm more stuff to buy

i bht a lot of stuff alr..today i got a mouse haha..its was oni 9 bucks and creative..i think its nice..and patriotic..haha it has signapore's flag on it..but all my frens thinks its abit obiang..ahha wadeva man..and i spent a lot of money on lap top sleeves..oh no.. spent alll my allowance..bht for myself and my dear ah ya..but its custom designed i really hoe it be nice..haiyo..and its like two weeks before it arrives but pay first..quite fishy right.. i wanted to get the plain black type but they oso cost 20 plus..so might as well design sth unique..ine says isha..haha

me? missin trg tml..so i went runnin today..wanted to run ten k..but haha but the flesh was week..and i was runnin alone..it was really late..and ulu..so decided to run 8 k yeah still very long..i think but i like it..i think i wun worry so much abt my knees la..it got me quite moody the last few days..cos they were really achin..as it could feel the knee shiftin..quite gross..
i m an opponent of long dist trg.. ithink its very bad for the knees and all that more strenght will help i guess.. yeah i have fat thighs haha

anw nus seems very far from town. hais there must be a direct bus.. i had a job interview today but didnt go cos was late for it.. i decided to ask for reschedule but if they du ncall mi hten its alrite i gues.. i think i want another student.. hais..need more cash..

am i really very antisocial? ok la i feel dauunted when..ok i jsut need to space out sometimes i guess..i need to be alone..i mean i love my frens.. but not everyday..somtday i visit nick land..

lets go running.

2006-08-16T08:58:00.000-07:00

yay lap top is here. A big distraction i tell u. i cant stop falli nin love with my mac.. oops ok listenin to worship songs now.
sch 's preety gd so far. yeah but i miss home and i wonder how my mum is and so on..yeah but i really liek my lap top.

getiin to know more ppl i nhall alr.. i come acrossas a realyl shy dude..yeah..haha blogging on my mac now..yay..and prob will wake up zonk tml but i du ncare haha havent stopped my supper days seem pretty hard.

trg was fun as usual..yeah haha prof in histo said today every needsa hobby haha yeah i think it helps me keep my sanity.
havent swam liddat for so lone.. 8 x 200 8 x 100 and so on,,. haha its nice t olookat the clock ...

haha i m not a jock la..my og calls me that and many other things..life is quite peacefu lhere..seems easy t oforget everyoen else..how my best guy frensare doin..my frens in cell my fren who is leavin..and toa certai nextent my family.. my bongus dad said that they losta son..ok he is full of shit hais i dunno..

i liek my room.

today some modelin agency asked me to go down for interview. i dun recall..they say i was recommended by a fren..so queer..well i feign interest.. i m gonna bea doc.. i wanan learn another language.. hah

haiyo my thts are really randomand unstructured tonight.. i m supposed to be readin my nites.. but i guess can leaver tolater..

i think i found ya.

2006-08-13T00:19:00.000-07:00

hmm its sunday. book in day!
oh man..goi nback to hostel.. i spent less than a day at home this week..adn mostly sleepin..cos wasfeeli nreally sick and tired.. then tuition took up 5 hrs..did n even go church..bleagh..

hsotel games.. haiyo..gotta make frens.. ifeel so tired.. ha
dunno when wil lbe my next chance to blog but anw.. yeah i need a friggin lap top..

sigh i m quite scred leh..when sch starts..what if i m liek the slowest in sch..the dullest. dumbmest person.. how? wad if i cant cope..

wad if..oh man..monday's gonna be a busy day

2006-08-12T06:36:00.000-07:00

uni dawns.
plenty of late nights hostel life. sigh i wish i knew more ppl. i feel kinda insignificant now. holding back? maybe.. but i feel scared of ppl. its liek there is a ladder toclimb. and i ll never get there..everyone is kinda dauntin..fair enuff i dunno anyone and no one knows me..but its gets irritatin when u are constantly surrounded by conversations of ppl singin praises abt others..praises are fine but these are often not praises more like idunno gossipin.. "oh so and soi like damn smart..so and so is a pres scholar..so and so got this and that ..O LUM PIAD" yeah these are not praises..sound more liek words of envy..i dunno it seems so different..its nto like i come from a lousy sch mind u.. btu my frens generally nv talk liddat..i ve been surrounded by brillant and ingenius ppl too..but yeah we dun..well there is no need to display ur tinge of jealousy?

yeah hais the yare so caught up it their own world..it makes pp lfeel excluded..i dunno i m glad i went to vj.. the msot we go..so and so runs rdamn fast.. and so and so..its normally abt sportin ablilty and teasin each other..haiyo..ppl dun be so studies oriented.. i mean yeah do well for urself can..

hall life..well sadly the hall pplare alr all qutie close to one another alr..i kinda miss home..the tht of oni goin home on weekends is pretty shitty..jolene is in my hall too..yeah known her for darn long..was telli nwoon yang oh we know each other for darn logn alr.. she was quick to add btu not very well la..cos it was oni in p sch.. jc we were nto that close too..

yeah but i guess she would nv have guessed..she gave me this present when i was i n p4// it was my bday ..my parents threw a party adn invented my frens.. it was a small plague showi na man climbin a very steep hill and below were the words "You must do the one thing u think u cannot DO" well haha i du nthink she even rmb she gave me that in p4...but i used to look at that everyday..when i had t omake tough decisions..(decisions that have served me up to this point of my life) and everytime i m afraid that the goin will get tough..i rmb that i must do the very thing i thnk i cannot do..

coughin like mad now..i suspect its my asthma..werkin up..toomuch late nights..spat bloodjust now.. m ymuim doestn want me to do biathlon..trg is really rewardin..love the pain hto its a bit worryin..my knees feel liek they can freeze up anytime..and well humans were never built for running..any sports science dude will tell u that he is an opponent of long D trg.. yeah its bad for the knees.. friday trg was wit hthe yr 2s cos many yr ones couldnt make it so it was jsut me and two other yr ones wit hall the seniors.. we swam one K and ran 8 K..sigh my running cannot make..it i m struggli nto keep up..they are really fast..i dunno my runnin posture is just ruin after abt 6 k.. anf then..my breathin is nto ver yregular.. yeah more trg..but its pretty gd i like it.. tho i worry if i do this kinda long d everyday..it be really bad for the knees..and i mustmake surei get enuff rest at the very least..time management! hais

but oh well..yeah i did nt sleep the night after trg so i guess that explains why i feel liek i m dyin now..btu its ok..my mum seems to be feelin better..looks liek my prayers ve been ans..i m not sure if it was the right stuff to say in prayers..but i said God give me all my mum's pain..give me everythin she is sufferin..multiply by ten i du ncare..jsut give her the strength to recover..give her health..inflict me with everrything..i can tale anything ..send the demons to me..i dun care..take my lungs my heart if u have to..leave my mum alone.

i prayed till i cried the day b4 i left nus..she looks pretty good now.. and i m kinda struglglin to breathe..btu its ok..i l lpull thru and do the very thing i thin k i cant.. cos whe ni ru nand when i swim.. i feel that the world makes sense..this crazy world..

i spoke to daniel today..hah he came to support dentistry..ispoke to him for the first time.,.he is like my idol..haha the zai daniel.. he is really the perfect guy..yeah friendly and all..watched all teh flaots with him..

i m so glad today is over..rag has really taken a toll on us..so tiring..i cant wait to start sch..yeah but then its a mixture of emotions..

wad if i cant cope? wad if..this and that its a feeli nof loneliness..dullness anticipation fear Help me as unworthy as im..

trusting ppl doesnt come naturally.. i ratehr build a wall ard myself. .look jolly all day and take up my defences. so meanwhile u ve short nick wit hhis big ego on ur platter.

help me.

i need to werk. i hope this is my last ruined weekends. tink ur bell.

2006-08-08T21:01:00.000-07:00

today is the nation's bday. rest from unnecessary stress. tho i hsould be doin a million thins.. i should be werkin today btu iguess i ll take some time and do some light reading. and arrange my itunes..ithink arrangin my songs and playi nrandom songs is really therapeutic.

count my blessing. would u like to make a donation? was all i said yesterday..my tin was really heavy..yeah i guess its all abt looki into ppl's eyes and maki nthem feel bad if they do not give..but personalyl i rarely give donations unless the person is really hyper and ask.. haha like me..

hyper aside. i was told abt some hmm blogs by my fellow yr ones..adn that the seniors actual iused technorati to find our blogs.so bo liao..but blgos are not dangerus..its ours and we ve the reight to say what we wanti guess..its ppl who are dangerous...anyway..

yeah my blog was found..so perhaps that explains the strange tagging.. and evelyn was told that i had a very bhb blog name..haha and well luckily evely nsaid no he is my junior..and he is nice..ahah well ridiculouslygdlooking is zoolander.. haha a "nick - ngsimon " show..and yeah a really funny show.. doesnt refer to the blogger..ha but well if u think it does..,maybe it does.. ha

i count my blessings to be born in a peaceful country. to be able to study day and night. to be able to have doors open for me..to achieve my dreams. yes i do. as unworthy as i feel abt myself..i m loved. by so many ppl. hee so random.

here comes the rain. no need to hide. i know the sunshine on the other side.

otanjyobi omedetou

2006-08-08T18:49:00.000-07:00

falling away from the sun.
feels as if i ahvent blogged in a long time.. cos my mind is brimming with thts. i feel really low inselde admist all the high and craziness of og outing playin and having lots of fun with new frens..

its true. He is far from the Lord of my life. so sorry. but i may never get there.. i dunno. i get too lost in mixin with ppl..in indulging in my own feeling asnd thts.. thts of dwindlin faith. surrounded by doubts..my mum has been very sick since the cardio test..my dad has been full of nonsense..sayin really upsettin things abt me to my mum..say wad i move into hsotel wun come back..blah blah balh nv help my bro and all the crap..haiya really alot of nonsense from my dad..i dun even want to call him dad..yeah gab is right i live with a super thick fiscae..otherwise..i would ve been extinct long ago. i m consumed with fear jealousy and abit everything as the course begin..apart of me is envyin others..ppl whoare rich enuff to own a car and goin overseas blah blah..and then htere is the i dun liek so and so..gossipon..talkin bad abt others..judgin ppl..when i really shouldnt.. i dunno..i m sucha bad person..i feel liek keepi nto myself..its liek the more i hang ard ppl..i guess i m justa lousy person. dun let go of me, lord.

as each day pasases more and more ppl ae goin to be lost or gone..surrounded by ppl who talk abt their frens goin overseas soon..and close to me..is one who really is..there is no runnin away..the og pplare great..and makin frens in uni is goin pretty well i stayed over at my hostel yest and yeah went supper wit ha bunch of neighbours.. things are goin pretty smoothly..btu i feel that i wun have anyone close to talk to..i can always be the crazy dude i guess. but i have no one near me.

i feel like im swimmin and everything ard me is swimin pool blue..i cant breathe and i m not sure if it matters. eyah btu i kinda liek the team. aqualthon..trg..and there is zhiyunand kailun..and we can all take the shuttle bus after trg liek the gd old days..so its pretty cool..the team is encouragin..yeah the swimmin stds are nto that high..so i m no 4 in line..btu its scary to swim so in front..cos ppl behind may catch and touch ur feet its pressurisin..btu i guess thats the way to improve..my runnin is far from ok in the team..i guess i m slow.. hais thing is eventualo we must run ten k after swimmin 1500m..the capt told me that my swimmin seems pretty strong..(really flattered but its pro bcos its oni short dist..my old event in fact) he asked me to do breast cos i told him i was a breast stroker..adn he said its one of the fastest he has seen..well it was faster than many ppl's free but defn not as fast as my own free..but its a non tirin stroke for me.. easy stroke.. he said there are ppl wh odo breast in fact many and they are fast.. in biatlon..(but they start at the back) so he said if breast doesnt tire me i might want to consider doinit..cos my strokes are quite efficient and fast and losin a few mins on swim can be made up in the run esp if i dun feel that tired after that..yeah but for the rest of the team he wants them to do front crawl..i dunno..should i do free or breast? he really has a point and he said its up to me.. but my free is pretty ok too..its defn faster. later we had 100 m relay free..haa was in kailun's team..yeah first time i did 100 m free relay..was scary..but think i did pretty ok..the timin was fine.hais but yeah its short d..long d will be very diff i guess. i need to decide wad to train for..zhi yun and kailun are haha really fast..zhiyun kicks like a motor boat still..faster than any guy..scary kickin man..ok i m lookin forward to trg..tho i think sth is wrong with my heart..feels qutie weird when i swim..a bit of sharp apin..hais du ncare..when i run and swim i feel closer to myself. and takin the internal shuttle bus with kai lu nand zhiyun after trg is really yeah liek good old vj days.

ok a few of the ccasi signed ahs caleld for meeti nnext week.. cross country..i du nthink i ll go down alr.. i be really slow..i m alr strugglin here..many ppl in aqualthon are oso in cross country..and then there is canoe polo which i really wanna try for..btu dunno can cope not. stil lgot hall activities..and my top priorities is to do really well in studies. not to play.. but think i ll go for canoe polo..just check it out oni..

my hostel is more of less done up. yeah need my lap top oni..and internet connection..and then mroe or less i ll move in. havent paid yet. ha. squatter.

haha so th need to be official has caught up. i got my loo lin best fren alr..haha eyah cos our og might disintegrate after everything and eyah its better to have someone to always hang out with..i dun exactly have the fluidity of the rj ppl who all know each other alr..it be nicer to have a constant to si with durin lecture..adn the person is of cos fro mvj..ahah who has my worries too..cool. ok read sarah's blog abt the disaster that i caused..

come visit me at my hostel..its nto exactly fantastic..adn most ppl are med ppl..btu eyah its cool cos its really near med fac..

class chalet later.. today is nat day. well i m nto all that excited now that i know wad ndp really is abt.. but yeah i m proud to be singaporean..so happy bday sg!

once upon a time

2006-08-05T06:12:00.000-07:00

to start an entry abt pillows is pretty interesting.
but what maketh a good pillow.. is really the age and the smell and u know yeah the smell ..the way it cushions ur head and there is the salivary smell that gets u to fal laslp right away..i m qutie sensitive to pillows..haha i ll fall aslp rightaway on my pillow but for other pillows i ll hm mtake a really long time..adn count count sheeps till the cows coemehome..

ok right so i moved most of my stuff into the hall alr..yay! gonna spend sometime decoratin it and make it feel really cosy and homey..h aha and yeah friendsare invited.. hha i got sleepin bag! hmm thk it be cool plus no oen knows me yet.. my nieghbours dunno me..haha and i missed all the hall orientation blah..so yeah thats cool..jsut short of a pillow fan fridge and lap top.haha haiyo i refuse to move in til li get my lappie..i mean how to live without bloggi nor chattin online..darn dunno when will m ylap top come ill give it another week.. haha

i feel spiritiually low yah..loads of conflict at home these days.. iahte to think movin hostel is liek runnin away fro mthe m all..u iknow b eo n myown..my little piece of heaven..tis relaly the wrogn attitude..btu sometimes u cant help btu wish to lvie away fro mit all eh.. hais i dunno but nope..i love home loads..gven a choice i much rather stay at home..everythign is invitin at home..oh well not sureiwad i m sayi noso

im checkin out drugs online now. haha the problem with havin too many misplace drugs at home..now much check wad they might be for..

stonin away.

amphibious joke

2006-08-04T07:05:00.000-07:00

mornin was a pleasant surprise. =)
received a call "hello zhipeng? erm we would liek to check with u if u re moving into the hostel cos most of the students have alr gotten their keys...if u do not move in by monday i m afraid wqe ve to forfeit ur room.."

ha ha ha..haha.. yay i was like. .whoa..ok yeah of cos i m moving in! haha KE7 here i come. .haha so grateful..to terence and raymond.. yeah ok tho i dunn oanyone and have missed all the orientations i m sure its not a problem ..yeah yup i guess ihave to keep anactive life to keep my hostel place but its ok..isnt that wad uni is suppsoed to be abt..alright..i here the voices at the back of my head wh owould beg to differ..

yeap haiyo..so i rushed down to get my keys jsut b4 the office would close.. i too kbus 200..btu took a stupid wrong turn and ended up i nsci park..was so afraid the office would close ..so i took a cab..and cab drivers are useless ard uni grounds..so tsk..spent 5 bucks circlin nus jsut to get to yeah KE..oh well wadeva.. i m elated..there are gonna be lots of expenses anw.. so who cares..now wad i need is my lap top and well maybe a fridge to happily stay in uni..hais buts its liek book i nand so away from home.. its not a nice tht..btu tavellin really sucks..at least now i can take part in cca..

haiyo the person registerin me..couldn print the billthe som didnt like my name or sth..so she gave me the keys to move i nfirst.. iahvent paid..she said i seem very shy and soft spoken..stay in hostel must be more open and enthu k..dun keep to urself.. haha ok..right. i m a shy boy without the right..factors.. hahaok

yeah cca haiyo..was quite embarassin..first triathlon meet.. swam sets usual swimmin sets..but well i mn ot in my ususal form duh..so alr quite tired..and all front crawl now..no chance at all to slack..but the guy say if my breaast stroke is fast..they dun mind me.. honestly itts not faster than front crawl la no way..its just easier to swim haha..the nrunnin was embarassin..i cheogn with them for the first 2 k plus.. and later ..died all the way at teh back..haiyo..really unfit now..how? but they are really nice ppl i thk..kept encouragin me.. haha

well its really nice to be i n a team la..and no matter how lousy i m ..its wad i liek doin ..so i guess. im stayin for now..

2006-08-03T07:33:00.000-07:00

yay. i got new slippers. haha. i ve a gifts from head to toe this bday! haha.
rather hard to describe but i felt really happy tonight..its like meetin up with a fren i havent seen or spoken to in ages. liek a super old fren..ahha weird right..btu not that old la. be nice to keep in contact with til llike u know..ten twent y yrs down the road.. haha wonder how things wil lbe like..

but we wil lall be in sg..today was like the last tiem we be seein one of our og member..cos she took up the A star offer to go overseas..medicine summore. .darn zai ..yeah she is sporty brainy and hmm gd figure.. well anw yeah she is leaving..feels strange..but i always tht i will study overseas and not stay in sg liek everyone else.. really..i havent even rejected uk..cos a part of me is like i dunno ahha hopin maybe a miracle wil lahppen and off i m to ucl? but nevertheless im really happy where i m..yeah. at least i can be ard for my mum and family. oh u know oni females can get phd in med..cos guys have to return to NS so no males ever get scholarhsi pto do phd med in sg.. so unfair right.. but oh well phd..sheesh madness..

anw i m glad that i m excited abt sch..cos i prob need the high to pull thru med.. and then if u arent even excited abt starti nsch and lessons..thigns wil llook quite sad and bleak.. tml will be my first iron man trg! haha cool . wonder if i can cope i feel so fat and unfit now..

haha cos today i ate at this new restaurant at city link..and the dish i called was labelled really sinful..yeah and it is.. oh man..its 100percent fats..haha so much for wantin to be lipid free..nonsense.. totally didnt make the mark..

haiyoh exhaustin day..at nus..ran ard..sign up for a course on how to use mac os.. and then yeah canceled my loan..payin cash instead..chattd ith simin and a lot other old frens.. haiyo tired..wanan sleep alr.

more medi camp picts

2006-08-02T06:50:00.000-07:00

hmm hmm more orientatio ngrp picts.. haiyo i wish mroe ppl wil lsend me picts. haha i m a photo whore. oops.

my mu mwent for the echo cardio test today..came out rather dishevelled.. my heart ached cos it was 45 mins where she was subjected t odrugs that excite her heart. there was risk involoced and she wasnt feeli nwell initially..i prayed so hard outside the treatment room. she was allowed to slp for an hr b4 we left.. all this whiel i stood outside on ipraying. i seriously believed it could be much worse..yeah so really praise the LORD everything went well today..she is givin tuitio nnow tho her head is stil lthrobbin since this mornin.. yeah im so gratefuland happy..i rushed down to do float after that but frankly my heart was at hoem..worryin amanda see said she could tell i was really listless today..but yeah so i told her wad happened..

msged chang and saw him runnin later..he joinedthe biathlon..and for soem reason i m signed up too..so yah my cca is aqualthon for now.. pretty cool..i mean i love both swimmin adn runnin..the ydun compliment each other if u ask me.. swimmin needs flexibility and grace and runnin just greeatly tenses the muscles..but i love pain..and i want to lead a lipid free life haha so i guess..

but actuall ii signed up for cross country but wrote there that i was fro mswimmin so iguess thats y.. but anw the trg is progressive and fun la.. i dun want to compete but i wanna keep my swimmin and runnin is top form..adn they facilitate mugging i guess..

a knack for gettin into trouble runs i nthe family. today my bro was threatened in sch..canteen fight.. and the bulyl conered him..got a gang waiti nfor him at the toilet.. my bro stayed in sch all afternoon with the tcha to make police report..crap man..and in the end his frens escort him home..and the bully who was waitin at the gate said to the tcha and him tomorrow the nwhack u.. wah lau..as if my mum's heart aint excited enuff today..she was worried all day while i was doin float at nus and she caleld me if i could go to find my bro in the evenin..and she was scred i be whacked ..haiyo.. sucks..and now she wants to go to talk to the bullies tml.but i thin kthats stu[pid..its not p sch anymore.. these ppl may ve nth to lose and it may aggravate them that u think u have protective parents and the mroe they wanna whack u..sigh.. oj details still i na mess now..guess im still tryin to absorb it all..hais..

too colourful alr.

day-ed

2006-08-01T05:30:00.000-07:00

so todays the day =- i possess the card. the card that makes me a part. a part of noose. and yeah even reveal that i havea twin. actualli.. a twin sister. u peeps will see her ard.. its sth that i have denied for alog ntiem cos we were nv in the same insitution but now that we are gonan be tgt.. its gonan be obvious. i have a twin and we have signed up for the same ccas...

ok two of them. i have signed up for corss country(haiyo but i think my knees wil ljsut die) canoe polo(hmm yeah number one priority with diving ) dragon boat( dunno leh..i dun like dragon boat figures..btu the ppl at the booth were very friendly) and VCF.. hmm just sign up for fun.
i couldnt find swimmin and biathlon otherwise i ll sign too and make decision later. choir is by ..the person so its a no go. i still wanan learn a 4th mlang - prob tamil or french..an give tuitoon...and must rmb that i m studyi nmedicine..teh worst course..oh no.. i m mad.

but u really thin kso? my dad is just worried i ll get attached.he jsut wants me to be in the library and mug hard..haiya he has never hav faith in me la..truth be told he is a sucky dad. who has always shoot his sons down. he was the dad that was glad his son wasnt talelr than hi myet.. teh same da d who was more concerned if other ppl were doin betterthan him..his was eager to knwo howm y frens did. when i was learni nt oride bike cycle play chess or wadeva fro mmy frens..he oni said..huh u are not as good as mi yet.. he never said hey i know how to do that too i shoudl have tht my son.. he has always treated me liek a competition..so childish. if my son was smarter taller brighter than me i ll be so happy. but nope..my dad oni says things like (to my mum) "we ve done so much for him..he now liek so ya ya" waddehell..

and it wasthe sme dad who behaved like a barbarian today..infornmt of all my frens and class mates and future colleagues..at NUH canteen. he had to get int oa rage and fight with this man..he accidentally spileld some soup on a guy...and the guy said wah lau..nv grow eyes ah.. hesaid sorry like it was no big deal..the guy said sorry very big ah sorry stil lso zuai..then he was liek what u want what more u want. .sorry la.. what can i do..splash back u gan yuan ah? (happier) uneducated uncivilised barbarian..lucky my mum didnt stand i nthe middle to break them..toherwise i ve to go up too cos the next thign that happe nthe man took a bowl of hot sea weed and splashed at him..it was sucha stupid stupid scene k..seaweed in m ydad's hair .. ihalf want to laugh..but whaddehell so many of my frens were there.. thansk dad.. u know y i werk and study so hard all these years? IT SSO THAT I LL NEVER NEVE be LIKE YOU YOU BIG LOSER. enuff said.

but i m fine yeah. i m happy cos i matriculate and signed the deed today. ifelt quite bad..cos matriculatio nwas at 9 signin was at 11 i nbetween i checked out lap tops and cca booths..took a long time to decide between the whit (it has to be whit) mac OS and a steady fujitsu..i mean the fujitsu was lightweight and value for money..btu the mac was a t teh corner of the fair..proclaimin loudly. .be different..be cool from everyone else.. i tried so long to garner support..but and my whole og ppl werelike we really want mac u knwo but our parents..thnk it snot..perhaps when we are rich docs with lots of spare cash we wil lget a mac? hmm ok but i sucummb to temptations eventuli and proceeded with a mac..after all most seniors claim that macs werk perfectly well and its nto lik e i dota and paly lame games o nmy comp.. so yeah. its fine.. i cant wait to get it.. it comes in two weeks time. matin got the exact same model as mi.. and i got a nano too! haha co i had a voucher.. hmm i can think of many wayts of usin my nano..one sell two use for joggin three gift.

my twin is in the faculty of science.life sci

and as a result my suretyand paretns waited darn long for me..i felt bad and the quene was qutie long.. i was reminded that there can oni be frens in med..u haveto make frens and try to liek everyone! yah. u cannot not liek anyone..so i shook hands wit hthis person whom i had an awkward relationship with for years.. its a long story ..but yeah he knows my parents and yeah he even greeted them..it seems liek his memory was wiped out or sth..but yeah..i m glad. he wasmy ex bishop son..the way he talks t oeevryoen ..he makes himself sound like a bishop..shakin hands..and bein unnaturally formal with everyone..hais. pilot's son. but i m glad that we re talkin. and bein friendly with one another.. maybe he realy is a great guy.

and.. i cant help but be really more observant at clinics these days.. cos for obvious reason..oh this pharmacist congratuated and dispensed medication to this woman sayini"all the best yeah ..gd luck" and not like "get well soon" so hmm maybe she is tryin to get pregnant? haha. yeah anw the doc wh osaw me today asked mi wad i was doi nnow..and the same thign he was all..wow cool cya ard soon..yeah its gonna be tough but listen to ur seniors everyone makesit eventuali..shookm yhands wished me all the best three times! haha he was a signaller man too told me army waste time..durin his time they oni disrupt officers..so he is stilla signallerdurin rserviece..haha..so cool

and... tml must finish float.. but my mum is goi nfor the cardio test which is quite risky..i need to be by her side. so yah. its defn more impt to be with my mum. i ll rush to noose. after that.

pink

2006-07-31T05:31:00.000-07:00

u see the choir photos? yeah there are pinkies ard. whic hremind me of the geek in pink song by mr mraz.. haha.

Yo, Brotha A to z,
Yo, wussup B,
Yo, What time is it?
Ha-ha, It's laundry day!

(do do do...)
Well let the geek in the pink take a stab at it
If you like the way I'm thinkin' baby wink at it
I may be skinny at times but I'm fat fulla rhymes
Pass me the mic and I'm a grab at it
Isn't it delicious crazy way that I'm kissin'
This baby listen to this don't wanna miss it while it's hittin'
Sometimes you gotta fit in to get in
But don't ever quit cause soon I'm gonna let you in but see
I don't care what you might think about me
You'll get by without me if you want
Well,I could be the one to take you home
Baby we could rock the night alone
If we never get down it wouldn't be a let down
But sugar don't forget what you already know
I could be the one to turn you on
We could be the talk across the town
Don't judge it by the color, confuse it for another
You might regret what you let slip away
Like the geek in the pink (do do do...)
Like the geek in the pink, yeah (do do do...)
The geek in the pink
Well my relationship fodder don't mean to bother nobody
But Cupid's automatic musta fired multiple shots at her
Because she fall in love too often that's what the matter
At least I'm talkin' about it keep a pattern of flattery and
She was starin' through the doorframe,and
Eyeing me down like already a bad boyfriend
Well she can get her toys outta the drawer then
Cause I ain't comin' home I don't need that attention, see
I don't care what she might think about me
She'll get by without me if she wants
Well, I could be the one to take her home
Baby we could rock the night alone
If we never get down it wouldn't be a let down
But sugar don't forgetin' what you already know
That I could be the one to turn you out
We could be the talk across the town
Don't judge it by the color, confuse it for another
You might regret what you let slip away
Hey baby look at me go
From zero to hero
You better take it from a geek like me
Well I can save you from unoriginal dum-dums
Who wouldn't care if you com...plete him or not
So what I've got a short attention span
A coke in my hand
Because I'd rather have the afternoon, relaxin' understand
My hip hop and flip-flops well it don't stop with the light rock
My shot to mock you kinda puts me in the tight spot
The hype is nothing more than hoo-ha so I'm
Developing a language and I'm callin' it my own
So take a peek into the speaker and you'll see what I mean
That on the other side the grass is greener
I don't care what you might think about me
You'll get by without me if you want
I could be the one to take you home
Baby we could rock the night alone
If we never get down it wouldn't be a let down
But sugar don't forgetin' what you already know
I could be the one to turn you out
We could be the talk across the town
Don't judge it by the color, confuse it for another
You might regret what you let slip away
like the geek in the pink (do do do...)
I'm the geek in the pink ya'll
geek is the color for fall
I'm the geek in the pink
so i'm the geek ya'll
in the pink ya'll
geek is the color for fall
i'm the geek in the pink

today was slack for float..stick a few sniff alot and went for lunch..
kinda lookin forward to an og outin esp if its to go K haha.
but i m lookin forward to tml..cos its kinda liek the big day... the matriculation day..i m matriculatin haha da xue le.. official.. gonan get the card taht does wonder in little nus. its funy matriculatin just sounds liek so many things else.. i dunno.. gesticulatin..ok lets not go there..

yah tm lgonna be messy. two strangers.my mum ..lots of ppl.. lap top rush cca fair.. hmm wonder wad i l ljoin..who will catch my attn? hmm..but defn jjoinin sth tho most ppl say its impossible to cope.. its not that i think myself better than em.btu i ll liek to juggle and lead an interestin life.. its not liek i ve a gf as my cca.. yeah i ll like to try sth new.. at the same time continue to do things i m alr gd at.. or like doin..yeah..
so will it be choir? cross country? swimmin? canoe polo? rovers? diving? chinese chess? haha shrugs.. i dunn o i can join ath! drama too.. i dun mind.. or jsut learn a lang. .med students cant beat for other modules but can choose t olearn any lang of their chocie/ but forget malay..tis too popular.. haha yah i thin ki ll start with tamil or french..as if i du nhave enuffthing s to memorise.. but i think it will break the monotony right?

check out the pink guys..anw i thin to sing liek mraz is really hard so i m gonan try to learn the geek in pink song.. haha but i wanna read my text books too! haha i mean evberyone is doin it.. and bein really honest and fran kabt it.. jeremy said.. yeah u shoul;d esp if u are looki nt oteh dean's list.. haha oh well i m lookin but if i dun get it..its not sht i ll measure my self worth agst.. not his time. .las ttime i used to get my self worth by my results.. but things are different now. .i m happy where i am..if i m not gd with the theory i ll make sure i b a gd practical doctor.

and its liek who would have known? yah ..who would ve known the little boy wh osat in fron of the class in geyalng bahru would study med someday..when the sci tcha first la his eyes on me.. he tht i was nonsense..btu latert i werked very hard and he started praisi nme i nsec one.. is til lrmb my sci tcha was this really tall guy..mr ong.. i sat next to ashish.. haha who would ve tht..ther eare oni two 6 yr victorians in med..one is a guy frm my paltoon last tiem 4I very shy and quiet guy..apparently musically very talented yeah was in hsien yeow;s class in vj..yeah we are the on itwo 6 yr victorian this batch..i mean to be a 6 yr rafflessian is like..erm ok..how interestin..yah.

and soemone said hm med is for rafflesian wad.. where got ppl wher e vj tshirt in med.. tsk tsk.(okok get me an rj t shirt haha) oops

i ve some kindarash that is really irritatin and wun go away.since army i nguards dayl..its quite irritaitn..

i had tea with may may today and she revelaed a secret haha. oha nd news spread i met charm's fren who alr knew i was her councilleee.such a weird spellin. anyhow. right and thwe yall say i must go get a lab coat. tml i ll be carryi nquite a lot of books..jeremy is gonan pass them to me. hmmhe said i shoudl get a creative mp3 player to record physio lecture cos its really tough and the lecturers can go quite fast..but i just got a POD! haha

and yeah in the series of i look likes..today is the number?
ok see the first day of med( i dunno if this is some way of relatin of gettin to know ppl or chattin ppl up..) but yeah on the first day of bmt i look like this zutec..or wadeva then first day of medi cam pi look rjish..second cday i look hc ish the nafter that the yconcluded i m acish..oi mean i dun care..wad jc u thin ki m from..plus i du ndo my hair.hha so i wake up looki ndiff abit everyday..ahha depends on my angle of sleep..and frankly i sleep in a diff position everynight.. haha right and then yah a lto of ppl say i look like this rjguy la.. and i met him on the trai ntwo days ago..he is a psc schoalr so disrupted oso.. ha yeah andi told him hey i look liek u ..thats wad they all said.. so daft..but yeah..a bit la.. but i m tanner. anw.. yea and someone in my og said i look like john leong today..and this person said my movement like the marvel villian venom..very sudden! sheesh. venom..how does he move? hahatoo much head jerkin motion alr.

monkey;'s ass

2006-07-30T06:16:00.000-07:00

oh my new love is brown in colour.. haha this leather brown skin for me pod.
wil lreate a new song lsit for it.. plus it stores all my photos..actuali i m quite an idiot la.. my comp stores all my photos.. my phn stores all my photos..my blog stores a lot of photos.. now my ipod too..adn soon my lappie too.. hmm hmm..

did church chori today haha i jumped for the first time.. it was actuali quite fun..but nah i rather sit down peacefully amongst the crowd..haha cos after doin the duty jsut feel kinda distracted (some call it high) to u knwo pay attn..hahamachaaim lecture..

anw tml got lecture..oh man. btu haiya prob not so impt.. shrugs..i ve a small confessio nto make. i m hooked onto my text books.. iu guessthats a gd start..the illustrations are really nice. and yeah very interesting.. my dad saw the books and told my mum that was what he always wantred to study..truth be.. medicine was my dad;s dream..more than mine..

yeah my mum said this when i got med..she said i m not sure if u got ur dream..but u sure got ur dad's dream..oh well..for a moment that soudned kinda turnoff. .cos i hate to think that we are in anw similar..

kenneth kept sayin the girls look horribel; with makeuphaha liek a monkey;s ass..haha

kowai kao..

oops. another superficial empty day. too much of a good thing is bad.

2006-07-29T08:11:00.000-07:00

psst.. du ndisturb nick is muccging now. btw my ipod's name is now nicpod with a dot..so its

nicpod. haha

alright. i met 4 of mycell mates in town today..kenneth zhen ming and christian. okok..shh mugging now. and playin with my new expensive toy.

with video

2006-07-29T06:34:00.000-07:00

this is a cool cap..and the above attire is wad i got for my bday fro mthe shirt to the jeans to the cap.. oh and thats doin the action that one of ah ya's smiley does.
oh no oh no.. today i dun feel alot. haha didnt think a lot..

spent a lto al ot of money.. oops
bht clothes.. bht text books and guess wad! bht an ipod video! oh man and gonna buy a mac book pro soon!

and here are the excuses..
clothes cos my bday week have alto of discounts at various shops.. actual i ibht mostly for frens not for myself..

text books..well peer pressure! everyone bth alr.. the person at the shop said STUDY HARD haha everyone's been telli nme that but i sure darn hel lwill.. in facti feel like startin like now! haha but oh well relax.. the place at orchard felt really medical..(not magical)

right.. and then walked over to wheel lock..had two funerals lately. .my old ipod and my spiky slipeprs! my mum threw my slipepras away.. argh its like..yeah she is always lookin for things tro throw.. its very bad when i say sth spoil cos she wil ljsut discard them..she claims i liek to keep junk(well i jsut m sentimental and cant bear to throw stuff away) and she on the other hand cant wait to throw every thign away.. its almost like its therapeutic.. oh ok.. btu she is a great mum.. i mean no buts..
anyhow..yeah my ipod..no more warranty so repairin it which is not doen in sg ..it wil ljust end up bein replaced would cost 400 over bucks..might as well get a 4th generatio nipod.. an ipod video! ha yeah but i chose white not black i nloving memory of my old ipod..and anw..apples are meant to be white and snowy..black is jsut wrong.. right. my mum didnt blink at all..i guess its how much she loves me..she just saiud hey u werk so hard can la..jsut get a new one.. u cant live without an ipod right.. she is absoultely right .. inever felt so directionless for so long ..heh..but anw..yay i got a video now.. tho my heart ache..i mean today was my tuitio npay day! sheesh and all gone..

i wnna buy a mac book..black its abt the smae as mac book pro actuali..but iliek the white one.. i go for asthetics sadly.. it just has to look nice and suit me? haha rubbish.

ok need to restart comp.. to install ipod software..lalala

oh wish me allt he best tml..gonna be on stage!

its white! but i ll miss my 3rd gen i pod.. i m one of the few ard wh ostil lahd teh click wheel non color one..hais not anyore..and my slipeprs well i could have removed the spikes..and stil lwear.. y did it have to go..sigh it brt so much attn to me! to me haha. oops.

ok matriculatin soon. i spent almost as much as i did for prom today..

sentosa

2006-07-28T06:41:00.000-07:00

someone doesnt like me. or my blog. bleh. so cute to leave such an angry msg but anw forgove me if i have offended anyone i obviously dun mean it.

today was qutie fun tho abit tirin..haha i did stunts in the mornin and my partner was oh no i m bad at rememberin names.. shi wei..the one of the saparro immersion grp rgs girl..haha..yeah i was really shy at first..but she is really strong and encouraging.. did three stunts..i(i was a subsitute for reheasal) first was straddle..had to life her by the waist to above my face usin her momentum..then was around thre world.. whic his a rather sleek move if done coreectly haha grabbin the girl by the sides and swingin her around u.. momentum needed agn..and the last was the hardest..u grab the girl once lift her up..then she her legs go between u..and then u use ur knee momentum to toss her sorta fling her up suchtha she is facing u..and her legs point to the sky! haha i neveer tht i would do such.. haha btu yeah i think i was ok..(hahaself praise agn..tsk)

haha as a resutl i didnt contribute much to float today.. went to sentosa for og outin..played many hrs opf ultimate frisbee and beach volleyball..ahha think my legs may ache tml..fro mal lthe jumpin..ahha..nah pro bnot i dunno...but was quite fun today jsut siot down chil land talk to ppl..
lots of eye candies at the beac htoo..erm ok never really look out la..but it seemed like the right thing to say when u describe a beach outing...haha..

it feels nice to be praised yeah..when ppl say hey nick u re really funny haha or hey wah fast sia..ur eyes are really quick..u know like sometimes u make nice moves or catches in ball games or whatever..jsuyt bein praised..it feels good of cos.. but i dunno i guess its not a good thing to let pride get in the way..its prob human nature to want to be praised but i ve to rmb not to let ..u get way above my head.,..or u knwo whatever.. ppl may liek u for awhile.. but if u dun behave itn the right way things may jsut g ocompletely..the otehr way..the balance can just tip..

anyhow. this yr's presents so far are pretty cool..ahha got a nice jap card and t shirt from yafen..but thank her bestest frren too..got a funky cap from therbo..haha nto sure if i m entittled to cal her that.. hhaa yeah but the msg on it is really quite sweet..and lame.. ssweet and lame..hmm.. ok and yeah my cell grp got me a huge shoe bag.. its red and silver in color..like my fav track suit.. haha yeah and today i didnt check the mirror when i left the hosue.. iw as lookin totalyl red.. shirt and all..ahaha so national day.. sheesh.
haha thank you everyone for all the wishes and all.. oh my mummy bht me cool jeans too..

bleagh my ipod.. i cant live without u.. sob.

And i ll try. to fix U.

nineteen

2006-07-26T20:22:00.000-07:00

lala..
alright i m nineteen today.. bleagh the last yr before the big 2 0...(not that big lar)
ok i shall think of nineteen reasons why i m really happy..

this is really one of my happiest bday.. genuinely..happy its a good yr.. comparable to my p4 bday..

and the number one reason is:
1) i m at home with mummy dearest now!
2) i went back to church and feel a lot less i dunno angry with life?
3) i am pursuing my dream of become an ISHA at this very moment..I am a loo lin.!
4) i have a great bunch of mad med ppl in my og and they celebrated my bday for me yest so sweet! thanks
5)Charmaine is my councilor haha and she has lots of notes to pass me! lol no but she is really very helpful and nice.
6) i love my cell they have all wished me alr..
7) RAymond my ogl who is really lame has helped me get a hostel palce or sorta.. haha so darn lookin forward to it...
8) God answered my prayers i have sorta recovered alr..
9) endorphins.. i ran for two hours continuously by myself ard nus..yeah to get familiarised with the place.. a nice sense of achievement considerin i havent exercised in a long time
10) i have disrupted from NS haha while all my frens have reverly at dunno wad time to water parade..i was havin ice milo at macs!
11) at ten am more than ten ppl have wished me hapyp bday...oh well and eyah tho i have a lto of foreign phone numbers in my phone i just say thank you anw..
12) yeowmay msged me from melbourne haha she rmbs.. lol so happy..
13)for once in so many yrs i ll be having bday dinner with ah ya.. i hope.
14)ok nineteen reasons is really hard.. i m going to receive presents? haha oh there is a really funny testimonial on my friendster from angeline
15) i still look like a kid.. at least thats wad most ppl tell me.. eh child like and childish are two different things..
16)happy cos tehere are really a lot of good old and new frens out there who care abt me..
17) sch is gonna start soon! yah i m really happy
18)i m gonna get a new lap top buy new clothes and own new books !

19) life just looks greeat at the moment man i wanna travel, dive, play canoe polo everything! lalala

oh well.. still. i dropped my ipod yest.. so its kinda jammed.. super sad..yeah but i ll get it fixed soon.
went runnin..ran to law fac.. adn guess who i saw i ntheir rag dance.. chian siew, ziyun, ruizi and huiling.. oh man its really chisai seikai..and they called me a spy fro mmed fac..

nick scoots off.

tada!

2006-07-25T02:57:00.000-07:00

HELLO WORLD! (: this is my new blog layout..

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste

COULD IT BE WORSE?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face

And I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face

And I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you.

2006-07-25T01:08:00.000-07:00

u re boring.

tsumaranai.

tsk tsk..i cannot complain but i went to watch pirates alone just now. the cinema was rather empty but the dumb ass ticketer had to place me with a group of frens whom i dunno its so weird.. like i m sittin next to a bunch of jolly ppl when i dunno them in an empty cinema where there are so many available seats..they prob thinki m weird too but then..i know for a fact that humans think too much of themselves.. no one actual ithinks that much abt u.. so yeah its just me and my super self conscious side sayin"hey nick the yare thinkin that u re weird" well anw its liek takin ur shirt off in front of an entire audience ..u feel embarassed and u may thin kthat no one is goin to forget this night well trust me they forgot all abt it in less than half an hr..

yeap so was it bad.. well i dunno.. it ht spendin time alone was a pleasant change howeever if anyone saw me they be like..hey y are u alone. .hey y so sad case..go out alone.. hey no gal ah? hmm alright firstly being alone is realyl not sad..ti gives me space and i can go to any shop prentend to be interested and ask all sorts of silly quesiton.. i dun have to stop for anyone..and well goin out with someone is stressful..by an infinite...i mean u have to keep conversatrions going.. u have to worry the other persojn is bored.. u have to explain y u call the other person out..and if uwerenever close to that person it might be worse.. and there tey may reject goi notu with u and then..GOD knows wad! yeah precisely so yeah its stressful goin out with company i supposed. . btu of its prefered.. which brings me back t othe rolelr coaster theory u know..(humans by right evolution has made us well capable of protectin ourselves..and by right we shouldnt enjoy roller coaster rides..cos they are well thrillin and dangerous but we stil ldesire more of them so somewhere along the lineour mind is pretty messed up..and according to the professor who promoted yakult we are messed up by parasites,,,ALRIGHT SHHH WE Are not going there) nick is obviously left alone for too long and his mind is spinnin out of its proper axis.. yeah btu its prob strange for anyone to readthat nick actual ithinks hangin out with ppl is scary because most ofthe time he seems to enjoy the limelight by bein the cockster right? haha btu yeah ephemereal.

whatever.. i miss the loo lins. its weird i oni know them a week ago and i was just with them yesterday.but they seem the oni source of free ppl i have now.. i mean woo chiao is so nice to me..really he is a great pal who cares..see how much he msges me..hahaha..and eyah this is my new bunch or fren for the next few yrs or so..of cos i might get close to my anat grp..(all same surnames..so most likely not..the NGs are a pain in the ass) my current frens are all i nNS and yeah du nget me wrong i m ver y grateful i m here. i mean i read kay's msg and i dun want atp to stand for anything more than adenosine triphosphate.. sheesh advance trainin package.. thats just uncool.

ok i m goi nnus tomolo..as much as hit wil lburn my ez link card.. ha maybe i l lstay over wit hwoon yang.. i dunno.. btu oh well..

i m so bored i may just change my blogskin now.

no dun say that i m not bored sorry.

and LOrd i m ver ygrateful. for my cel lmy cell leader my friends and my opportunities.. and thankyou. last night i was totally sick and all.. and i prayed real hard torecover today and yeah i feel so muc hstronger today..honestly all i need to do is go out be a lame jock and run like there is no tomorrow.. yeap./. i need to run. it helps me feel alive.

anw i placed my hands on my mu mand prayed for her today but darn i was so nervous i bet all i did was mumble mumble and bet she couldnt hear me..sigh sucha failure..

and sorry sky..i guess we could alwaasy run after church or wad u knwo ..just u and me ..yeah sheesh..i mean 25 bucks to ru nis a bit pricey..my mum said i better think carefully spend crefully when i ask her for money today..eyah tis true normally ppl should pay me to run..haha and not the other way ard.. so bhb..btu yeah..i gonna get some real run and not REAL run..

loo lin.

2006-07-24T03:27:00.000-07:00

orientation fever has consumed me. i feel quite sic kalr. i m lookin forward to sch start.. really the initial enthuiasm for lectures adn all is actualli there so Praise the Lord. but still i thin ki will be draggin my dead body thru all the classes when sch start.. esp if i have t otravel bac kand forth nus..

am i sad?.. anw auditioned for dance today.. i didnt get in.. ha ha. yeap. i tht i did pretty ok if not gd better than half the guys there..oh well initially i didnt want to be in the dance thing wads dragged int oit but later i tht anw i ll just give it my best shot....btu there were too few girls or sth and the guys who were chosen were all teh really big size guys cos it was more than dance. .the guys had to carry and toss the girls.. haha so i guess i didnt get in cos i look really small.. but its alright.. my spirits are stil lup. .a bit relieve i didnt get in.. cos rehearsal is gonna be tirin but i bet it be fun.. mroe fun than jsut paintin and designin the floats i guess.. haiyo.. but yah i thin ki wun go down nus so frequent alr.. yeap.. alto of ppl oso not goin..woo chiao amanda are werkin..the fun ppl are all i nthe dance.. so i guess. it be pretty boring.. ha yaeh..

its m ybday..this week and i feel kinda confused.

loo lin. tsk.

saigo

2006-07-23T07:15:00.004-07:00

saigo
felt wrong..instead of going to church today i went to a temple.
i went to meet my surety..i half wish my surety was just someone i know liek my uncle. or wad..it really should have been. but my muminsist on usin my dad;s fren as my uncles may come in inemergency cases like last min bank loans blah blah..women are really shrewd creatures.

anyhow.
i reminded him to bring his income statement yeah and he said well if i can trust u u must learnt otrust me too..and he gives u that look... ok. dude its not abt trust if u screw up my matri there be no trust or love to speak of. btu well.. yes. trust. a very fishy fishy word.

anyway
my parents bicker onstop over the miniest issue and i dunno they pronb will never get along..sometimesi feel liek a coward i wish i was livin far far away from everything as if it s got nth t odo with me. .u know if i own a hostel at least i can have my pseudo life.
jsut a tht. of cos its not true i want to be wit hmy mummy always. btu sometimes its just too pain ful u know ..to see ehr not smilin and bein upset all day. u just wish u werenta part of this world . right nick?

so i had a frumpy bday dinner but anw i was feeli nreally lousy..totally drowsy this medicine is really strong stuff.. ihave necer felt my heart beat so fast b4 and uknow jsut bein totally unableto stay awake.. i thik i really shouldnt eat them tml.. sigh..

i prob should be sleepin

but my mind is tht laden.admist the drowsiness. i realised i havent spoken to someone in a century. yeah. and yeah and yeah. jitsu wa..experiment.

2006-07-22T10:10:00.000-07:00

haha ok some campin highlights.. more to come i hope.

2006-07-22T09:53:00.000-07:00

ooh just came back from k box and buffet.. hard to believe i was feeli nso sick jsut hours ago. haha i really ate a lot for a sick guy.. on antibiotics and really drowsy medication..btu yeah i m a loonie... a loo lin looney so ..anything goes.

haha somehow ur range is a biut weird when u have abit throat..like u can reach some notes u used to be unable t oat the same time u cant sing ur norm range.. haha weird..

bleagh really full now. cant sleep i guess..

hais supposedto be having cell today.. but well no choice sometimes really have to give time to frens who i dunno how to say..who are so hardt o meet up with..im so invisible..and i ll prob become more so.

uncomitted nick.

camped.

2006-07-21T23:17:00.000-07:00

oh no! its super embarassing. sigh i m lazy to blog alr.. this mornin i asked my student why hasnt she gotten her curves? (french curve and flexi curve u know liek for drawing graphs) bleh..and hse gave me that look..hahha it sounded totalyl wrong.. so embarassing..imagine if she said oh cos i m oni 15...argh...

ouch.

went to doc today..feelin quite drowsy and sick still haha.. and the doc asked me alot abt med fac and all that..tis really cool we had aalong chat tho i didint really havet the time.. he has a p6 boy who he is thinkin of sending to vs.. haha yeah bleh..

too lazy to blog in proper sentences. medicamp was.. nto too bad. yeah my og was pretty nice. and had lots of fun..for most of the time. i wanna upload pictures cos the yprob say a thousand more words..(cliche) ha but yeah i dun realy have any.. at least not il ltherbo is back.. yeah i kinda thnk i have a clique now.. was intitally worriedthat i be quite leftotu with a whole bunch of rafulusu ppl but yeah.. in kay's words my mojo helped.. shessh.. wad a thing to say!

anw.. yeah after all the craziness not sleepi nplayin bondin games swimmin late into the night.. strippin almost all thetime.. and orientation is orientation and it means a lot of argh stuff to do..i feel too lazy to take part ion ath now actuli..and esp cos it means i have to travel to nus daily.. and i du nreally rwanna dance.. or can dance.. i want but i knwo i cant i m a slow learner.. haha.. oh welll

keepin my hopes high for hostel applicatins now tho.. a senior has promised to help me..

i m so grateful for feeli nwelcomed.. i even patched up with frens i used to have sth agst.. yeah some of them..

ha.

BOLD indeed

2006-07-17T05:56:00.000-07:00

i m proud of my production i wanna win the most creative secret pal letter leh.. so i did this slidding card thingie..lol

so its read liddat .haha the BOLD WORDS

HEys, i m not sure if i
was looking forward to the camp but i sure

want to know you. because u have a
nice personality to be in this faculty right?(lol self praise!) never mind the

lame name thanks to our ogls. they probably
are really nice ppl. tell me more abt urself k. i ll too but no matter wad i probably

suck anw. right now i just want to
make lots of friends before we all

go home. dont u think so? oh well you probably
think i m really crappy haha i realli am. Don't

hate me! whatever ..i just hated
it when school ended in jc. u know

the thought of orientation
and all that... was so much fun. miss those days man.

sheesh..thats all i have to say =(
for now but hope u ll like me! haha be sure to

reply?
Of course you will! Cya

boy.

2006-07-15T09:31:00.000-07:00

where are u going?

my mum asked me..if i would ever say this " haiyo i miss army life.. i rather chong sua then go thru all these" in afew mths time..
ha its a very interesting qn. i hope not. yeah and nth can save me either if i really feel this way. (inner voice) its not too late nick..u havent marticulated! sheesh

lots of inner voice these days.. grrr.. the usual wishywashy uncertain guy that i m. .like hm shuld i change blogskin? hah aok i ll do it on my bday.. thats not a difficult question.

i have plenty of difficult qns..not all need ans most jsut need to be asked and askin is in itself the hardest part..i mean there are questions that by just askin uin itself the yare alr wrong..but anyway anyhow i l lthin of a way..liekthe sayin abt a boat and bridge and everythign becomin straight ...yeah that one..

sheesh.

i had a lot of cardiac werkout today..did a mini biathlon..haha no la..swam a bit today and the nimmediately went running and immediately went to do weights.. oh b4 that i went tannign too haha.. teh vain spot in me is workin up a fever..

fish memory.. eyah it feels gd to werkout.. went to check out my future home..i eman where i be putti nup when i study in nus.. sigh..ok with my uncle's fam.. i am really grateful dun get me wrong a nice dude is offerin me to put upat his palce ..admist all the possible inconveniences i may cause..but well i just ..think il lfeel awkward.. its nto that i m ungrateful btu i cant exactly say i m close to this uncle.. and certain events make change difficult.. yeah well change IS always difficult. i guessa ny other relative would have been easy for me..but they are sorta a yougn couple now..no not that they are young they have a young boy and the yjust got married..u know i dunno stayin there seems wrong.. and where is my civilian life if i m gonna feel restricted and oni go home on weekends! and i mean what if teh ywanna fight thrash things out or get really lovey dovey..wun i be in the way! sheesh.

sheesh indeed.. and i mean wun there be some curfew.and wad if they cook for me..can i turn down? haiyo and wad if by some dumb stroke of luck i get to in via the waitinglist.. am i to just pack my bags..wad is GOd;s will! ok hostel well..element of fun is there but most ppl in hostel du npass exams.. and then i dunno wad abt pgp its pretty cool too..likeownin ur own condo! bleagh.

why why.ljack u are so STUUU pid! u shuld have just applied then..

but the morning forgives all things. i dun think that its time that heals. i thin kits sleep that heals.. if u go to sleep angyr u prob wake up feelin better if u re super sad or angry u just need more sleep. haha.

in my dreams i be singing a duet and playing a piano.swimmin in mutton soup. and bein super in love with u. but those are just dreams.

i want to shop.

2006-07-14T09:44:00.000-07:00

ooh getti nmy paycheck soon.
haiyo..see cheong paid the bill agn! crap.
and someone ah gave me so much coins.

grr.. i feel kinda drawn away and distracted.. liek i m oni physically ard but mentally somewhere else ..somewhere far away..
a dying part of me.

right tml is my first free day.. i shall spend it wisely..
hmm am i looki nforward to makin frens orientation and balh...

well its a tough qn.. of cos i look forward to my course and all.. but i dread the weariness to come. sch is gonna be tiring. and making frens as well a very tiring process.. but my life now well feels kinda lonely..yeah coming fro mme.. its a rare feeling.

job dedications. oyasumi

2006-07-12T07:12:00.000-07:00

zhipeng!
turn ard.. my response time to zhipeng is perhaps a few millisec faster than to nick. andoni my old frens call me that of my mum.. no my mum will jsut go peng peng.. haha yeah so i was i nnus today..met jedrick b4 my hep b vaccination..wah quite numbin leh.. istil lcant feel properly. .weird eh..next shot in a mths tiome..cool.. now i thk everything abt the clinic is cool..haha

and it was ..simin..haha she was in union camp..actual iplenty of girls i n camp..or rather i just aint knwo the guys.. i mean yeah like duh! jedrickwas doi nunion camp.. and there was zhenyi ruth simin and even the tall person..hmm mmm.. and crashers haha its nice to knwo that pppl can stil lcall out so excitedly to ur name despite u havent spoken a word to her in yrs..but yeah its excitin isnt it we are all goin to be in campus agn..haha yeah right.. i dun look forward to sch la..

well se be in business..ha kinda guessed it. ok my hands are really numb.

i m loved.
clouds cleared at last today

i feel so guilty and sorry. i worry all the time. i guess faith doesnt come so easily to me. anw had a lot of things to settle the moment i got my freshmen guide...

omornin rush to bank..to take loan. then rushed to uni to settle the use of cpf for uni..yeah i expect my whole course to be abt 80 k plus..after subsidy..so cpf wil l take abt 30 percent the rest bank loan..yeah..interest will be there so i guess i ll pay till the end of my life.. repaying u till teh end of time..indeed. hmm yeah but its ok.. its a dream come true. its my dream job..there will be different things to do each day..lives implicated..there will be meaning and challenge..yeah so i wun ask fo r more..but its prob a drainin job..

i m happy. eyah i dropped a student today. yeah and well i was feeli ndrained the entire week..studyin my Alevel stuff and malay all overagn ..plus a 12 hr job and 4 students..and rushin to and fro ends of sg..finally..friday promises to be the end of thsi for awhile..
sat my students ar goin msia! i m free! must make gd use of my sat leh..

who wants to date me?! haha right..i wanna swim cycle go gym watch movie sing k box all in one day! sigh

haha i cant wait to watch pirates but i have leartn from experience that shows which i expect too much of norm disappoint. but oh well there is alwas my idol mr depp..captain jack SParrow.. ooh a captain hahaha

a captain..

yeah sat. who wants to play badminton?

maybe today

2006-07-11T08:42:00.000-07:00

what abt tomorrow.
bleh the world is mean to nick.

the stupid person at the video sho pwas so fierce.. hais i feel ruffed up.
call m y dear surety.. things were pretty rosy. another case of mad nick;s dad syndrome. crap la..

work was boring .kept drawing graphs..
finally got hold of the freshman guide everytime isee it i feel argh..
i should have jsut applied for hostel then.. so much for :wait till i defer see how" bleh.

no one understands.

lydia

2006-07-10T18:34:00.000-07:00

lydia 迷离的眼眶
为何流浪
心碎的海洋
受了伤连微笑都彷徨
gypsy女郎
为谁而唱

你会看见雾看见云看见太阳
龟裂的大地重复着悲伤

他走了带不走你的天堂
风干后会留下彩虹泪光
他走了你可以把梦留下
总会有个地方等待爱飞翔

lydia 幸福不在远方
开一扇窗
许下愿望

你会感受爱感受恨感受原谅
生命总不会只充满悲伤

他走了带不走你的天堂
风干后会留下彩虹泪光
他走了你可以把梦留下
总会有个地方等待爱飞翔

suddenly the song seems really nice. i wanna go swimmin today but the timing aint right. i wanna go drown today but the timin is perfect.

identifyin my inquities is easier than i tht.
i ve been studyin my fam and parents as a result.. and i see where many of my behaviour patterns might have come from..sheesh do i sound wrong?

emotional ppl. over emotional. constantly need to feel impt.. gets really upset and the nthe ches pains sets in.. thats both my parents.

my dad cant get a simple job done.. ok he wants to feel involved whatever.. finally he has sth to be proud of this son i guess.. sorry. but i vaguely recall this one to one session where i had to ans three questions

describe ur dad in one word: a disaster
describe ur relationship with ur dad: huh? i dunno. non-existent?
do u love ur father? i : i dun wanna sound mean. i ll pass on the question.

yeah so he was first tovolunteered to find a surety.. ok number one..he listens with his ear but its as if his head is a separate organ. like the info dooesnt reach the head or sth..so he was quick to say this fren he barely know is very nice..and will be my surety..well fine.. i could reserve better candidates for better use..i eman yeah i may need a loan someday.. so fine.. and he asked a million qns when the task is really simple.. get a surety.. the surety must bring his income statement on the signin of contract date and in the case where i break bond the surety is liek my gurantor yeah..sounds simple right.. and of cos the surety must know and trust me.. he kept sayin things like oh this guy nop roblem la very rich can help me get alot of money and long as he sign.. so obvsiously he doesnt understnad wadi m sayin..i m not askin for money la.. the govt takes care of their precious few talents dude..grr..i just need him to make sure he brings a chap along wioth their income statemewnt on that day..its like any other scholarship la..wah lau..not first ime i gettin scholarships right just that now the um very big andits a five yr bond med contract..

he lieks to exagerrate things and keeps accusin me of not readin properly..the thing is i prob read the letter a million times..i mean u knwo how happty i was to get into med right..yeah its a simple thing la..get someoen to sign he had two mths to find ppl. he keep insistin on this fren of his who is ver yrich.. he doesnt get it thats not the point.. i hate talki nt omy dad its like talkin to a snail. i think i yell at a snai lit will oso know to siam..yeah so last night he came into the hse and say the guy spoke to him and was abt t osign but pen know ink..he let the guy keep the letter..he got so many things wrong FIRST he cant let the guy KEEP the LETTER its mine.. and second the GUY is not the firs tsurety u have to be the first la.. uare the father leh..wah lau.. the guy kept askin so u mean if u die and ur son dropos out i have to pay everything...

hais i believe there are nice ppl in this world but i du nbalem it he doesnt knwo me.. who i m or wad..its liek if its any of my relative they wun even ask la.. they be happy to support me..tho i pro bhave to endure lousy cNys but thats a different story..

yeah i told my dad its all abt trust ..thats wad it means to be a gurantor.. its a ver ysimple issue.. and i thin k u shuld let me speak to the guy..god knows what he has said man.. he prob interpreted the issue toi the guy is three billion different "languages" such that it sounds totally off.. yeah off tangent man. i ve doen so many omaths papers...

and this morni nhe woke u pand said.. call ur uncle stand by..

wad he talkin abt where got standby one.. and my uncle wil lbe hurt oso ewad.. liek oh hello can u sdtand byu re my second choice.. rubbish right? how did i have a dad like him? bleh.

i fee lliek france now. liek a drunken zidane..doin rubbish..liek the vj guy who after comin in first for x country became crazy and go round slappin ppl..

argh.. and wai jia watched coldplay declarin it over msn..sheesh.. i actuali had a date t owatc hleh .. but i couldnt bear to part with my money..

argh waddehell.. my dad cant do the simplest stuff. i gotta move my horse alr..got thsi irritatin insurance babnk loaner who keeps msgin me telli nme abt soem investment paln and wantin to meet up with me.. i m gonan stopbein so friendly alr.. honestly i should have punched that guy who took my 4 bucks..jsut for anger relieve.

ENd of me

2006-07-10T06:18:00.000-07:00

end of me.

i feel drained. i see my nails scratching the ground. as if the ywere sinkin in. i think i have a lot to say in this entry that may upset a lot of ppl. i thin ki need to get a private blog alr.

i feel miserable today. honestly i dun fee lvery high after encounter if nto a bit lower. spiritually.

but well. lets push those thts aside. i m good at pushin everything aside. i went running today. despite my terrible legs.. my legs are so gone..play pool oso feel the pain..take train oso feel weird.. right i have a specialist appointment in october.. screw it.

yeah primal injuries are aggravated by the slightest touch if u harbour them. its been a week wehre bookin in is the last thing on my own. btu still..anw i was sorta extorted money from today. bleh. ok lets go i norder of the events that has been makin me miserable..

1) right thsi tatooed person came u pt o mi and seei n4 bucks in my hands he asked me to give it to him.. ieman iif u ask nicely with pls and thankyou and looka t least abit pathetic i would give in.. (igave i nanw) but he was demandin it anw..d was right i did think he was a drug addict. it was the first tht that cross my mind..but he sorta corner me.. nto that i was scared la.. cmon i could take teh bugger..its not just icct or wad..i could oso out run him defn..but i didnt want to create a scene and honestly i could half emphatise with him.. i mean i have been in such situation too i had ask pp lo nthe road for money and have been given generously..ok cos i have some manenrs i guess.. but that bugger didnt..he was jsut give me 4 bucks.. and i was liek i na dilemma.. i traded the ezlink card that followed me for 10 yrs for 4 bucks and now i m gonna give u the money in my hands which i held for less than a min! crap leh..stupid amk station the ticketi nbooth is like at the corner..bleh but i jsut gave him al.. i dunno why oso.. i was too tired and thirsty to think of anything else.. i hope he doesnt get itn otrouble.. wil lpray for him.. sheesh.

2) i wanan stay in hostel! so damn unfair.. MINDEF is the worst organization la.. so bloody inefficient ..so much for a wayang ndp .. see la..took so long to defer the med students.. now we cant even apply for hostel by the time we were defer for ewhich was last week the applications for hostel were clsoed and its not jsut for hostel..we didnt get so muc hinfo cos nus didnt know if we be deferin..no freshmen guide no nth..no nth at all.. some ns guys claim to be pissin in their knickers btu i m jsut pissed. its the first tiem liddat leh.. last time the med guys disrupted early and had time to settle al lthe admin stuff.. u kmwo how much friggi tiem i wasted in army ..for nth.. i wondered what i ve done in the last months leh.. honestly.. wad ve i doen water parade water parade.. wad crap la..everyday so mindless..starin int obunk cleanin the big drain..quenin up for food that i dun wanna eat.. wasted so much MICH time..when i coudl have easily made a lot more money outside enriched myself.. and accomplish a million mroe meaningful things..

the reaso ny i m so pissed is cos i have been travelin to and fro nus the last few days and my bus fare needs to be topped up so quickly.. its really long journeys..leh and everytime i go down to settle stuff its like less than five mins.. i couldn t take my booster today cos i had flu.. bleh..wad a waste of time! it would really help if i had somewhere to stay in nus.. grr.

3) i fee friggin grr alr..sch is starti ntoon.. i got a lot of commitments now lehj.. a lto of jobs.. but havent received any pay yet.. 4 students and one agency..agency is aski ne to be a staff there a teachin staff..chemistry..hmm i dunno.. i wil lwanan keep ajob when i study..btu which one.. i dunno everyone is speaki nso fast on the phone..and barely have time..to sit down.. and when i werk i jsut lose track of TIME and my meals..grr i need t ochoose..

4) well done.. i m totally angry and have lost my patience all over agn..so much for anger management.

5) i want to know the answer and wad to do!

i feel drained and dry.

hq bdae..oh today;s is hq's bday..haha happy bday.

admist an irritated nick.

2006-07-09T09:06:00.000-07:00

renounced of swords

2006-07-09T08:05:00.001-07:00

hello. join me in my swashbuckin adventure.
sword is the word.

ok i have gone for encounter. yeap. climbin up the ladder. but it is not one whic hi want to rush up. encounter was well yeah it served its purpose.. the lord showed me alot.. and actualli even more that was out of camp syllabus. no cca points. (ok at this point of time i wanna blog abt encounter in peace without so many ppl chatti nand aski nme a million qns)

my brain is kindatired..flesh is weak ha i have my chem notes waitin for me on one side. i need to study. right i need to get to the impt stuff.

encounter the ver yfirst step/ is a cam pfor u to encounter GOD and hear the many thigns he have to say as he has encountered so many ppl and brt a plethora of miracles to so many lives. i was really positive abt the camp. but well i was surrounded by cynics. well nto relli..jsut a realyl analyitcal person..realist and practical..someone really knowledgeable wh ofeels he alr feels that we both know most of the stuff which is true.. but ok he was right. i did knwo most of the stuff i was gonan hear..and many i struggle to agrtee with..but iknow that there is a bigger picture we shoudl not run from and bein concern with all the tiny details all the time is a graveyard.

well youyi was my closest mate there so i really neede to hang ard him. i am usually really sociable and yeah surrounded by frens if many aspects of my life.but somehow i still struggle alot in church cos there is alto i dun understand and i m afraid to. and hwat it would mean if i understood.. i guess im a coward. i didtnunderstnad why ppl cry all the time.. irefuse to believe that i cant be my own master at times.. i didnt understand hwo everyone can be so bright cheerful and piositive abt life all the time.. i listen to plenty of christian testimonies.. these pp lare always so happy.. 10 years 20 yeears.. into their christian lives.

ineeded to kwo why.. ih ave so many qns.. i am truly grateful that i got int omedicine.. by the grace of GOD.. he has helped me pul lthru so much..esp i nmy NS days.. what i felt was physically impossible he gave me strength when i asked for it. haha sounds almost liek i had a cheating formula. but there are days i feel dry. i try to rmb his commandments.. btu there are days i jsut wake up feeli nbitter and angry and i swallow em.. i m emotional..yeah veyr emotional person..and somedays i feel terribel and i see nomeanin in prayer..and jsut b4 encounter i was feeli nliddat and worse jsut as i was on my way to the camp i met my number one person on my hate list. its a rather long list. really. i glared at him and i felt my blood rising. ha iknow why i have a pulse of below 50 now..cos i may burst an artery otherwise. lol..but yeah..i was a lousy navigator..i too kan hr to get t osheares hall.. basically went in nus walked round my future sch in circles at the other end of it.. so thru it all i was feeli nreally frustrated. .alr an hr late and all.. when i had to pray.. i just couldnt.. isang as loudly as i could but the feeli nwas not there.. iwas angry at the day..angry at having to compelte 3 amaths paper in the mornin.. i mean its really tiring ..

the next morni nwasnt any much better.. btu the pastor just (he doesnt knwo me) really..he said i prayed last night and the lord wants me to gie word to the following ppl.. and I was first on the list. he said NICK du nrun away..the LOrd wants u to know that he hears u. even when u think he doesnt that eveyr prayer u make are thunders in the heavens and he delights in them.. he hears u..he wil lgive u the ans u re searchin for when the tiem is right..HE wants u to kee pasking. and i was taken aback.. the pastor asked is ther a nic kard.. yeah thats wad god want me to say..

i was jsut feeli nthatway i nthe mornin. .i jsut said hais i m feeli nshitty today so much work..i du nfeel liek prayin no meanin my heart is not at peace.. and i just balh blah something amen.. more like utterin under my breath..and the i said yeah whatever..i know exactly what answer the pastor was talkin abt that GOd didnt want to give me yet. i shal lbe patient. yeah but the incident too kme by surprose..alter on were lectures..yeah pastor victor was really interestin..he is a really intelligent man.. and i feel really happy listenin to what he has t osay.. btu yeah i guess ireall yhave short attn span..

there was this part abt generation curse and so on..why i nsome fam many suffer from the same things.. ok the disease and inheritancepart.. he say spoke abt curses that last for 3 to 4 generations whule blessings go for a thousand yrs..= consequence of sins.. he say we should have a fam lienand see what has happen i no ur fam.. and fro mthere we can discover many inquities..sins that w e dunno of ourselves..hmm it was pretty interestin.. i thin k alto abt what i study.. eyah that hapens in genetic diseases eventualli theyare lost in a few generations btu he went on to say thigns liek sudden death accidents dying young.. unpleasant encounters acan ru ni nteh fam.. abusive parents abusive children.. molested paretns molested children by other ppl.... hmm i jsut didnt buy it cos it sounds almost superstitious.. a curse can mean a family havin their children dyin young of accidents for generation..i dunno i htin kaccidents are accidents..nto curses..i dunno it was a bit uncomfortable..

later the camp had a lot of stuff liek the crossin video agn..symbolic stuff mostly and more worship renouncing the sins at the cross..the last day whic hwas today tho.. was abt the HOLY spirit.. whic hspoke to me in p2.. i always knew it. and with the sprinkling of olive oil and the bringing of me to the ground..i asked for tongues..but well i dunno i du ndare speak la...tho ifeel a small small urge. but as i was lying donw. .the holy spirit revealed many things to me.. its true. it was all abt the past..it went back as far as nursery.. the little policeman toy car.. i saw my whole life palyed b4 me.. even small details i never paid attn to i tht i forgot...they came back.. the holy spirit pointed me to many reasons y i m the way i m today.. ihave many meories in my head which i knwo i have forved myself to edit to forget..but the HOLy spirit shown me everyday.. icould be dead oi tht cos i saw my entire life fkash past me so vividly. i think i havent totally recovered fro mit now. i saw many embarassing moments..
the nursery girl who i liked who first kissed me.. sheesh was so long ago..
i saw many embarassing moments..many happy moments..that i was often hapyp for the wrogn reason..many angry moments..every timethat i hurt my mum and how my mum covered up for me.. teh many many liesi told. the time i shoplfted..stole..collected money b helpin my frens do their work..i saw all my angriest moments.. wit hthe 13th story girl ..wit hteh big bird..with .. i saw the ugly side in me..unfortunately even the many girls i dated casaualy.. isaw how wrogn my life was.. and i saw how many stupid things i said...and i realised that when i said or did the things i did then was becosi saw no other way out.. i was always feeli so trapped..i fouhgt hard to snap out of it..to be honest i m stil la bit i nshock now. i just hugged my mum really tight yeah.

yeah ok i fail to organise my thts..wil ltryagain.
encounter was held i nsheares hall! how nice to stay there..i really want to..we had our own rooms. yeah pretty place. i m gonna study really hard.
and be a gd doc. haha.

i met huiqing. .she staysi nt he hall studies law..busy with rag.. haha she ask me to take part i nrag.. saysi look liek i can dance!!! sheesh..haha then i reminded her that she was triton queen.
yah we chatted for qutie long haha she promised to pull me into sheares if osa accepts me and then i must dance for rag..lol cool. i just wanna stay i nnus compounds doesnt matter where but sheares or kent ridge be nice haha. i ve decided that i ll get a mac.. the ni can be an APPLE guy. she said she wil lhelp me config and teach me how to use etc..so nice.

there was a yr 5 med student i nencounter camp.
he was from rj..he gave me various interestin revelations haha he welcomed me and congratulate me on getti nint omed..he told me that i must be feeli nreally high now..which is true..he said well hope u really have the passion its the oni way to keep u goi nfor 5 yrs.. hahaother wise teh bond wil lkeep u in too but he said the high wil lsustai nu for two yrs.. u can feel really great abt urself..habtu it will wear off. like every prestigious course.. eh says he is readi nup on finance now...med students oni knwo abt med.. ha ignorant abt much of the world. .i guesshe coudl be right. of cos he would know. he said we have all be conned in this system.. i njc we were all told to do well adn get itn omed..the future is there..or esle go get a schoalraship go serve. .be a safos..haha and whe nu cant make it u thin kt he world coems crazhin down..but the real money out there the real stuff is i n investments banking.. thigns liek citibanks schoalrships starti npay 8k... bein a doc wil learn u a more than a stabel pay it be a comfortabel pay..but it wun be an extravagant pay.. of cos its really fulfillin yeah med u ll earn abt 7k to 10 k a mth.. poof.. thats just comfortable.. i would thin kthats extravagant alr.. my dad takes home less than 2k a mth..to be exact 1.5 k a mth.. by givin tuitio ni can alr earn much mroe than him in a mth..
i never dreamed of earnin more than 2k.. i dare nto think wad kind of life that might be .cos materialistically i m mroe than satisfied now ..i m contented i always believe i have wad i need. i believed if i were born in a rich environment settin i wun be near where i m today. i may be negligent in my studies.. so PRaise the LORD always. btu yeah many of the things he said were rather disturbing.. so yeah it was a true encounter.. i heard many things..but i cant qualify and wouldnt make judgement. i l ljsut have to pray harder.

till then.
i wanna follow Jesus. no turning back.
http://www.medicus.tk/

renounced of swords

2006-07-09T08:05:00.000-07:00

touc

2006-07-05T06:54:00.000-07:00

there is some sort of associated theme with colours and alphabets. like why? why? for sci fi themes u think of cool blue metallic colours and the letters X.. for entertainment old vintage its alwasy Brown and the letter J the curvier letters..hmm why? haha ok i m jsut totemo tsumaranai.

but i m happy.. sigh i feel like i m trapped in an air palne.. my ears and nose are blocked.. argh can barely breathed.. i ve done 5 Amaths papers in the last two days.. burnin out. . im super slow now. .lol.

yeahbut then u knwo i m really smiling.. for all u know i should be waitin under a fan now .talkin to myself ..pretendin to fall aslp.. changin in and out of dirty uniform.. fallin in rushin 4 storeys to drink a bottle of water.. walkin in steps in formations without knowin y.. stayin awake to prowl palces i have no feelin for.. yeah it could be much worse..

i watched a lot of vcd..i wated 50 first dates.. i thin kits a really sweet movie.. oh man.. haha adam sandler is always this super nice guy i nall his movies.. haha but yeah so sweet haha everyday is a first kiss eh.. nto bad ah..in the movie drew barrymore had a car accident she suffers form a symptom where she wakes up ever mornin forgettin wad happened the day b4.. her oni memoryt are those before the accident..her short term memory lasts one day..so tho the accident was a few yrs ago.. it feels like yesterday to her every day.. haha so she had an accident a she was abt t opick pineapples.. os everyday she hinks sheis goin to pick pineapples.. and her fam well to avoid frightenin her ..makes everyday the same.. the yset the clock and the dates and bht many copies of that day;s newspaper for her for so many yrs..haha but adam sandler is in love with her..as he watches her one day...

so he makes her keep a journal and record the day's event and lets her learn the horrible truth.. so eveyrmorni nshe watches a vidoeo which tells her wad she did the day b4.. she reads her diary eveyrday..its like wakin up and oh i m a mother alr.. oh i werk as a wad now.. oh i m on vactaio nnow.. everymornin u need sometime to figure out where u stand literally.. lol but yeah its really a sweet funny movie.. haha everyday bein kissed by ur husband is ur first kiss cos u cant rmb kissin him the day b4.. haha..

cool i wish to wake up everyday and be remindedthat haha i dunno.

but i m happy

2006-07-04T09:28:00.000-07:00

church camp picts.. haha picts of my groups network cell mates and friends. and of cos myself lol stolen fro m MR. kenny of cos..

i m guilty of bein vain. of feeli nlike a celeb constantly.. darn..my mum is really proud of me now.. news have spread realyl fast..and i tht my blog would be private i jsut realised its linked to council hmm..interesting..

oh no tsk tsk..i mustn be vain. but i m happy yeah..mroe congratulations more praises for gettin into med.. a bit of bitterness tho i heard fro mmy mum someone was really qutie unfriendly hmm sensitive..but yeahi hope i do well. really. i hope so.. its gonan be tough with the next 11 years of my life laid down and planned. i hope i go far. yeah..GOD wil lbe there for me. as always. =)

but i m happy.
do u understand the gravity of these words. my mail box i s flooded but i m happy

i ran out of breath today but i m happy

i didnt get t oswim but i m happy

i took 7 hours to do two a maths paper but i m happy

my face is ful lof acne but i m happy

my nose is getti nbig and out of chape but i m happy..

whee.. haha i m havign a dream job man paid to do maths.. how many ppl can say the yare paid to do maths besides cashiers..lol but yeah i suck now la i m quite slow now. a bit rusty..my face has mroe pop pop .. argh courtesy of army life.. nah du nblame army i jsut have LOusy personal hygiene..yikes how to be isha? lol mai lbox i flooded with med students emails.. got a list of boosk to buy even text books.. hahai m so excited ya know.. and everything is jsut laggin. .my msn ..i hm havi nchurch osngs sent to me.. argh connection is pretty slow..yeah nvm flavian wil lburn for me soon i hope.. he stil lowes me my shirt! and pants!

funny .. ithink its funnie to read clothing with an exclamation mark..

haha i m still delirious.. went out to sing K box with CANdice..got really high at the one night in beijing song lol..yeah today was fun..

sigh i hate to sleep one day i ll suffer from chronic sleep deprivation but till then.. darn why does sleep have t ohold evolutionary importances..

clarker.

2006-07-03T09:20:00.000-07:00

so cute. I am really loved. lookin forward to encounter. yeah tho there be no outdoro at all. sounds liek a really serious thing.

oh no parents are sleepi nand i am typin noisily. so inconsiderate but i really keep thinkin abt my blgo leh. dunno y ..i am startin to talk to myself and imaginin myself bloggin eveyrnow and then. maybe i am schizo. hahha not like they can tell in todays med examination.

thanks to zaid i have the whole cranberries album now. yeah i ve always wanted. ok i have alot to than kthe LORD for. my bro is totalyl escited abt churc hleh. i mean he learnt everyone;s names alr. sheesh u know i took two months to know who sky was. in fact iwasnt even sure the ywere referin to someone when they kept sayi nsky.. hahah yeah but i was really unenthusiastic. truth is i oni knew kenneth's name b4 the cmap the rest i was jsut smilin smilin be deh ard..ha yeah but i m happy for my bro. he said he thinks he like my cell lol.

oh news spread really fast. everyone is congratulatin me on my civilian hood.. haha thanks to my gay kiss- ur- pink photo. courtesy of myself like duh i took it myself.. ewww..hmm quite a number of pp lread my blog. i was on the way to have dinner with my new boss on the trai nwhen this cute girl came u pto me and said "oh i heard u got into med, congrats!" shook my hand and winked i had no idea wh oshe was..i thin ki know who she is but i really have no idea..haha gasp. my heart kinda raced oh well nto realyl i have superman;s heart beat rmb?

i m really vain. sheesh
lol the nurses at the medical centre said i was goi nto be a really cute charmin doctor..ahha when all i did was complai nthat i wil ltake a logn time to pee so i wil ltake forever for that urine test. haa cos i jsut peeed... lol yeah i guess ireally drew too much attn to myself. and then my boss told me that last tiem when i was at his centre there e had this girl who kept askin him what days i was ard and she wanted t ocme for tuition oni o nthe days i was ard haha cos she tht i was cute.. haha iwas never spoken to anyone b4.. he told me then cos of that a guy who liked her left the tuition centre haha say he stress alr.. ?!!! nonsense right..oh no but i ate a lot today.. ae for 5 hours;. at clarke quay food is pretty good. yeah
so my firstr weekday of civilian hood was spent med checkup adn dinner with boss.. ooh i went swimmin too at tamp the new pool..

i cant swim fast alr.. tire easiyl i feel i dunno and my legs hurt. .the same injury..sigh i du nthin ki can join swimmin i will just try.. its sad. yeah but i believe! so i wun worry. haha i msuper high now. tamp pool is really specia lto me .. i learnt swimmi nthere! its a vibrant place.. so many languages and voices of all ages lingerin in the air ..so many conversations.. bro and sis swimin bf and gf husbands and wives families army frens. . ucan hear a million conversations.. oops ok i didnt mean to eaves drop of course.. haha maybe i should swim everyday now. .ahah hope i got the determination of cos..

eyah i m realyl grateful i got this new temp job.. haha cos i foreseei mgonna spend a bit . .but it means less time to spend with friends.. sheesh.. haha but i caught up with quite a lto of pp ltoday. .esp via sms very long never msg so many ppl simultaneously like 8 9 ppl..and i have many outings planned alr.. gonna K box TOMOLO!! yeah with candice.

too kthe opportunity t o et many med students contacts and chat iup with them make frens think the ywil lcome in useful..for most rj ppl it aint much cos they are liek just goi nback to rj same old faces.. but for me i guess its impt.. yeap. had a long chat with eileen th oshe was in camp..yup i hope to see all the vj ppl agn!

hahau have the pulserate of superman. the nurse told me. my pulse was 44 beats per min today. a bit more excited than usual..haha i du nthin ki ru n alot leh. .but oh well cool. maybe i m jsut a lagger. even my heart lags when its beatin..

i have decided i will get a MAC lap top =) its more asthetically pleasin and its different! so yeah..

the world is so beautiful sometimes it feels ugly. and when its ugly therein lies its beauty. there are many things we du nunderstand and we say that higher powers wil lprotect us. we try to make sense of things but we are told its beyond us. but its ok. ignorance is bliss. i would rather not know everything and believe. cos even if i knew everything. ther eis oni one path.

yeah..is that what i really feel.. hmm touch ur heart.

a little bird in the sky.
u look up and it shits in ur eye
u thank the Lord anyway
that cows dun fly.

positive thinking

hahai saw this is the office od the doc i consulted he was a ery nice fatherly old man. he had his chldren's photos all over his cupboard. he kept shakin my hand congratulatiin me.. tell me congrats i m very healthy he hoeps to werk with me soo none day.. its really a nice feelin

but must i be a yumeina isha then u will rmb me.. am i so forgettable?
wakaranai. demo..i dun want to necessary be a yumeina isha.
iwanna be a nice young charming doctor. i wanna go africa. =0

coming closer to u

2006-07-01T08:32:00.000-07:00

coming closer to u.
i am coming i m coming..

this is me. once again steppin into the tunnel. the expressway the railway.
it seems liek i can finally rest my head or somethign real i like the way that feels.

DAY one of back to civilian was spent makin money. and blowing them twice over. went out with kay..met alot of ppl.. familiar faces..ah ya's class amtes some yr ones, chia ying, d, crispina and the 1 guards ppl! haha oh well the last one was intentional.. go suan ppl with my pink ic at tCC i m such a meanie.
c
rispina was with a bunch of physics olympiad medalist hah on outing.. haha but they all look like ... yeah anw she was reallly hyper as usual..even my fren commented. haha

and i went to do more retail therapy..shucks. bht two nice shirts.. i m stil lquite high..

but signs of conflict have alr aroused. i dunno the world seems to love us more when we are away from them.

ok i oni have two weeks b4 sch starts actuali
my itunes is on random mode and it is playin the old jay chou album as i chat with sara abt how nice the immersion days were..yeah i used to listen to this album 24/7..ha we were talkin abt world cup and supportin germany..

alright in this two weeks i wanna accomplish alot . i wanna grip so tightly onto this two weeks. cos third week is camp alr.

i wanna take care of personal hygiene haha eeyer..my skin is in bad shape.. hha too heck care in camp.

i wanna needa get a tan get fit start some secret trg..of some form.. haha so secretive that i may not even do ath abt eventualli lol

i wanna go on a holiday spend some money watch some movies.. but think its not possible .and money well..im kinda cringing alr..

i wanna catch up on studies.. mug my alevel s abit so i du nfee lliek a total empty shell i n uni..

i wanna catch up with alot of ppl..on and offline.
1st has to be see cheong.
and then sec sch frens.. all of them. the clique and the close frens..
hmm and then some of my classmates
and then miscellaneous..platoon mates. and so on..on my phone list.

i dunno btu going uni is this whole special feelin liek u are there at last.
its like ineed to tsay some goodbyes but not totally like bye..

bye.

ooh

2006-06-30T17:51:00.000-07:00

after my CCB civilian conversion bath,

i decided to kiss the pink.. haha

parkview woke me up..GRRRR

pink

2006-06-30T09:01:00.000-07:00

delirious~ today is clearly a day to remember. i have a lot to flash man. a pink ic! hahahah. yes 30th june. is a very ahppy anniversary i shall nto foget. its like the happiest day..comparable to jp alr.

as i packed my bags and got ready to go... the bus left the camp and passed vj.. the sea bade farewell.. it was so solemn.. passing by vj was like reminding me back to a real life. back t osch! and then the radio had weather forecast for starry sunny days ahead.. whoa..

but my friends me dear frens to make this sound as NE as possible as u know social studies as possible.. we shall ve a moment of silence as i recall..

never shall wee forget teh days

a madcapp in a musical-less avenue
now frens dun take things for granted peace i l lleave u with a photo memory
hard t ocome by.. share. oh u think i m pretty funny
well let me tell u ..

the last days . the walls unforgiving , championin each other to close in on me. u think thats menancing? not quite.. u should see the faces.. its much worse than the place.

the real harbour is abook of sin which lies on the table. sin oh yes. plenty of it. i gotten to the very base of it. even the stretch of pectorals. so much for feelin victorious

u better press the great button..tho great sounds like gray and things seem grey al lteh time. the sun didnt kill. the wind did. the wind taunt every living things. the birds du nfrest on branches rests on leaf stalks.

the ppl trudge. their boots were mergin sinkin becomin one with the ground.. cell do u play cell. no promise. is the creed of deliverance,

illusion. that wads everything ought to be. where is teh love..dreams.. even dreams are in a hurry.

nick is happy.

daremoshiranai

2006-06-26T22:41:00.000-07:00

daremoshiranai.

and then i ve to pray
for the strength to love all of them
and all that i do
is just to please my lord

hais i m in pain now. not physical
i feel so angr yand bitter now. in ur anger do not sin. but i guessits hard. i failed again.

i m in so much anguish now..i couldnt ctrl it..i wanted to argh

help me.

ishouldnt feel this way. i should be better than this now. but i still fee so angry. ihate him.

andi dunno wad to do with u. help. tasukete.

the last flight out.

2006-06-26T02:41:00.000-07:00

i know you want to hear me speak
but i m afraid that if i start to i will never stop.
for u i will fly. at least i will try. for u i ll take the last flight out...i am afraid u will leave. in my dreams u always stay.

i love the world i see in ur eyes.
i let you wait too long.

although its hard it scares me so. without u, it scares me more.
you belong in my life..

hmm funny lyrics ah. i reach the point i nlive where everysong i listen to can imply something. its called i can relate to i believe.

ppl use the words i believe so wrongly these days.
liek my dad..erm is my bro still in the toilet.. i believe so..

hmm ok anyhow
lyrics aint funny. i m the funny one. who can say things that mean the opposite of how i feel..

i wanna stay in HALL lead a scary life get associted with a new bunch of strangers and stay a hermit all at the same time. i want to do a lot of things. .learn alot of thigns.. iwas lookin at applications for nus hall the yare close so unfair how u expect me to apply when i oni got disruption news a few days ago btu nvm.. PS..haha pull wad? echo bunk one

yeah i think i can i have connections high powers up there..lol
wadeva la nick. u are such an iteresting creature..u constantly look for new things to worry.

guard duty at far east tonight.. ooh machiam holiday leh.. i mean its gonna be quite excitign i think.. anw the whole morning was exciting..i could strut out of camp with that dreade d black load containing my FBO! haha u knwo the feeling.. yeah but there is stil la lot of admin stuff to settle..14 autographs to find so as to settle my clearance.. argh..but the date for disruptuion is 30th june..but i cant get those signatures most pp lare on leave this week sigh.. oh well i dun care i m elated..

i have tht of a list of things to do b4 uni..ok
1) shopping
2) catch up with frens..
and i made alist of ppl i need to catch up with..

and number one has t obe see cheong..the nsome bmt platoon mates then kaymeng then so many many more.. then there are camps like encounter and so on..ooh..and then i have toget immunized and so long..check out my new accomodations and think abt wad ccas t ojoin..

i think i wil ljoinCSC community service club haha and maybe jap studies..yeah and diving or lifesaving or dunno ahha will see..yeah!

i l lstart buyin text books! haha and mug the first few chapters too! right RIGHT

carbron cabron.

i peeped.

2006-06-25T02:34:00.000-07:00

a blast! church was really packed today.

haha my mum said ok..to travelin to KL haha or anywhere.. haha so coooool.. i wanna meet up with IVY or KAilun haha free and easy just go catch up with them.. so fun.. i miss them.. yeah there is so much to celebrate.. my bro and chin bock were saved today!

yeah i brt my younger bro and chin bock to church today. although it was supposed to be eyes closed and no peepin..I Peeped. haha and when i saw them both put up their hand and do the aisle walk i was so happy..reminded me of myself .. how i felt uncomfortable at first..wit hthe loud music and all but after the sermon eevrything seemed so right and normal.. it was liek the on ione palce to be. .for the firs t time i was self conscious in front of so many ppl haha..yeah highest PRaise to HIM.

i am high. except for a few bugging things. but really they are nto important stuff t oworr yabt..haha i shal lcheris hand enjo yevery moment of my life now. i cant wait for ENCOUNTER. =)

GOD remove my silly worries and discomforts.. =)

ELEVATION!

2006-06-24T09:11:00.000-07:00

just came back from church. haha havent mark tml's work.
oh no.. i think elevation by U2 is a truly well rhymed song haha.

went out with the person in the shashin today. really leavign alr.. its a scary thought u know..tho i m not the one leaving. but i dunno i m gonna miss her so much. miss u i mean. i guess itsa all abt treasurin wad little time we all ve with each other. be it frens or family..

rules are meant for breakin. this week has been a roller coaster lehnew posting. tonner broke down on the way there from SI.. it was a solemn thing the entire departure from SI from my frens.. on a scale of one to ten it was a 8 for an emotional farewell..and ihate farewells. i m just not good with them.. i see myself bidding farewell to someone soon and i jsut hate that sinking feelin.

anw yeah even mr zaid was emotional. he sorta patted me gaveme a farewell gift and yeah told me nto to worry anything call him..he was actualli sweet. sheesh. amai.

but life in 1 GUARDS was terrible. it was bmt but advanced xiong like ocs but no purpose.. there was no end product. environment was liek a prison bed food everything. .tekan was pretty bad.. and i didnt really have friends that was the worst part.. i believe the oni thing that makes national service bearable is the camaraderie u share with fellow NSF but well it wasnt there the platoon there alr knew each other.. i was the new kid on the block a new classmate..i mean yeah bondignwas not so easy eyt.. the three days were torturous. .io hated bein barjkked at given oreders and having my life dictated.. i like to wear wad i want walk how i like put things as i fancy arrange things as i fancy but no.. i was close totears on the verge of reaki ndown and i was consume with anger agn.. i rmb i hadntfelt like that in a while..anger..i alwyas derived strength fro mit last itme..eveyr race i ran i think of the person i hate most.. and i completed but now i ask for strength and i cmplete wadeva race happily..
its a big diff but i felt so horrible in guards for a moment i felt abandoned i tht maybe my faith was abt to dip. .iasked WHY?! why am i here..

and i prayed and cried out to be defer immediately. and the next day it came..DEFERMENT for MEDICINE Studies.. i felt so relieved. i was alr considerin droppi nPES unlike most ppl i hate to want to downgrade .. ireall ywanna feel the army pride yeah ( there is none la) cheong for wad? 30 yr old u be walki nlike a 50 yr old trust me..but yeahit came and ifelt so blessed. i figureed GOD placed me there for three days so that i ll not forget the price. of gettin into med and deferin. that i must remember wad life could be and study hard..study really hard. .rememberin how it feels liek to be at the bottom of the food chain.GOD wanted to test me and wanted me to be strong. he wanted to show me how i was blessed! i felt so ashame of myself for doubtiun him.. i wanted to down PES alr cos my legs still aint that good. i mean i can run but i cant really jump alr..the impace on my knees and weak ankle jsut aint so good..

but my dearest frens like kaymeng prob sufferin the same fate..otehr then airforce ppl..esp kaymeng. tml is my church miracle weekend where we want ppl to see how GOD can create miraclesintehir lives all it takes is a change of mindset..and a little faith ur whole perspective u wil lfind new strength and new meaning really, i tht the miracles have nth to do with me.. i felt i want ood enuff to talk to anyone abt gGOD honestly..but he told mi to just do it.. bring ur bro and some names to church..he gave me a list..and told me i cna help these ppl..=) i really hope so..toshare with u how much my life has changed. really a great deal. i dun want to worry abt anything now cos i knwo GOD wil lfind a way for me.. be it my love life studies or wad..i just need to do my best and trust the rest to him.. everything werks out for the best..even if they dont there is a long term reason we cantsee

ok i m tired and my typi nis sketchy hahai wnana say alot but cant rmb.. i really look forward to tml..yeah.

and to start sch soon. i hope to go on a trip b4 that a short shoppi ntrip or wadeva .yeah b4 sch =) buy some nice clothes..

mutants unite.

2006-06-20T06:30:00.000-07:00

well this is one off day that i made gd use of. which there were 25 hrs in a day.

haha i woke up late in the mornin.. overslept. woke up and there was noo ne ard had to rush to wash my hair in the basin..(nick's cheapskate way of lookin like he bathed) then i searched for everything from shoes to wallet to money and everything.. its amazin wad happens at home u know when u are awya for a few days ie in camp.. cos everyhting is sorta packed neatly.. no not that packed i na way i have no clue where they are alr.. i mean sometimes i think over tidiness is irrtiatin so what if u keep the outside neat by packi neveyrthing somewhere.. ok call me lazy but i prefer to see things which i need hanging ard.. too much time in life is soent on redoin things packin and unpackin man.. and so i spent the little time i had searchin the hse for everything..in the end i made quite a mess.. sigh

but yeah had to rush to town ..met jene on the train! no not the mutant i du nthk she is psychic but she is the chic that applied to oxford with me and went for interview tgt..ha oh well yeah it was nice to see a familiar face she was with her bf..but later she sat next to me..said she got MOE scholarship cool..

i felt evil everyone was msgin me to tell mi that they will be late but nick the dick told em to hurry up haha when he himslf was gonna be quite late too..haha wads new..anyhow went to kino.. and saw many jap books.. as in english titles jap book ike da vinci in jap and so on.. hahai tried to read so cool..i miss nippon so so much leh..i want to honeymoon there ok short term backpack? haha

ate at swensens then KBOX..haha ..but today i didnt have stamina leh i felt tired..haha btu it was the first tiem i heard ppl sing canto song.. isang a jap song first love and yeah..i admire zhentai leh sign canto quite well..i want to sing canto too its nice..envy zhentai.. first time no one ordered alcohol when i k and first time got ppl smoke...oh well used to it alr i guess..haha i thin kthe k box ppl are darn smart.. but u knwo if u want a share of e pie and make money u can start karaoke with english songs? i mean their english songs aint very well established so if some entrepeneur realyl captures the emg market of kbox.. viola i thk they wil ldo well..btu first alto of werk and capital will be needed too.. i thin ki have plenty of business ideas haha..eugene was super noisy.. haha but i m glad he is high la.yeah i just like it when eugene is happy=) so much for i dun want to sing i dun want to sing haha aaiya but i must learn more songs la..always sing the same thing haha

i screwed up yi lu xiang bei leh.. hais i m stil ltryin to learn it.
weizhe's bday on thurs leh..wai po
so weird guards tml.. i mgoing to say gd bye to these ppl. it feels funny yah..like totally dunno wad to expect..
i dun wanna march ard for nth leh i want to be able to swagger OTOT.. u know live my life like its mine.. thats y i hate s icant have my phn mu ipod my clothes walk ard and d oath i like. .with nocare for ath in the world.. i feell so restricte and ctrl.. i have to march to get my FOOD.. cmon..ok ns gripes..pls plspls..may this be the last mth.i have no discipline

i du nlike farewells. hais. i suck at them. btu i thin kthe most horrible one has yet to come i think when it comes its gonna be damn tough for me. sigh. and it seems so soon. too soon can i buy time?

i cant wait for my bday!

kids these days are lazy and i feel old just saying that. they have nice families bg hse and cars. and means and tons of opportunities..sigh.i wonder if i was from a rich fam big hse big car..get eevrything i want would ibe so spoilt? will i have that much fighting spirit.. wil li always feel the need to prove. to be better than everyone else.. to be better than my cousins.. will i do well if i never felt jealous of others.. i wonder..but anyhow. i think thigns are teh way they are for a reason. i stil lve a lot of fight in me i cant wait t ostart.

mum is not feeli nwell. hasi i feel abd i shoudl spend mroe time talkin to her..but i rush to my blog everytime i get off.. sigh.

i dn make clothes sell clothes or give to salvation army. understand?

a toad in a well.

2006-06-19T08:36:00.000-07:00

we all liek to rmb special dates. birthdates.. dates of significance. often celebrations.

departures? i dunno ppl dun liek to rmb them. get them over with i guess. btu wads realyl significant to me are days like this. i cant behave. i mean i guess i suck at farewells. i always feel liek a statue. a choking being with so much left to say. so afraid i m not behaving appropriately.. am i conscious yeah maybe i m a self conscious guy haha but anyhow i dunno.

so today was teh last day for me in SI. like how i loved the saying time heals everything. MOVE on.. lookin back is for losers.. u know..

flashback.. i guess entering SI was really sth..and oh how i dreaded the mugging the marching .. i couldnt wait for the day i was no longer trainee..no need to stand by bed and all that military trainess jargon crap and rubbish,.i hatedf bein barked at eveyrday.. and when i firs tlooked at my bunkmates. u start t oponder things like y m i here? issis cos im m smart? cos i m injured cos i slacked? cos im not fit? cos this cos that u try to find expalnations to lame things. now lame is the absolute right word bcos thats wad it is.. cos it makes no sense to thin ksuch thts but i guess its huamn nature to wonder y we are associated why we are in a certain say class?

and i tht abt the church sermon.. do nto worry its useless. by that i do not mean not palnnin for the future of cos u must take RESPONSIBILITY.. u must werk hard study hard. btu as far as things like the weather things that u cannot control are concerned DONT WORRY.. cos u cant change them anyway.. i wonder how i ll feel if i could not get into med.. will i be so strong? wil li say hmm maybe its just not my path there are better pastures out there for me.. i think i ll. yeap i ll. there are things u can werk hard for and u ought to get it ..like ur results.. getting 4As these are things everyone can achieve if they take certain steps.. but other things like uni admissions landing a particular job vocation promotion i guess these are things u cant ctrl.. and ppl as well.. u want to be popular but sometimes ua re nto meant to be.. ther eis no such thing as workin ppl bendin them round the corners for urselves

and so now i stand..departed. last day of SI.. i m chokin with words and thts.. hat every small action is unlockin a million thts in me.. yeah i ll miss everyonealot.. alot.. but its time to go.. yeah i cant wait to move on.. life has been rather stagnant.. anticipation.. i m lookin forward to life alr..perhaps on a later date i ll resaalyl miss my SI days btu for now i m good.. i guess the cycle is always the same.. in jc or sec 4 i couldnt wait for sch to be over exmas to be over....and so on see..i didnt miss VJ immediately i was happy to graduate.. but then when u re somewhere else u miss it a hell lot..

i ll miss the SI dudes no doubt. but i cant wait to movce on.. i pray to have nice reasonable commanders.. i pray i ll be motivated to excel no matter wad.. that i ll ve strength to carry out any task. that ill not seek short cuts and if there is sth meant for me to learn i ll do it with my heart.. darn i should be a poet i feel so rhytmical..if there was sucha word.. FOS.

i guess my ns buddies u knwo they say there wil lbe thsoe u keep for a life time liek my dad and his buddy i thk my buddies will come from ns.. in my bm t there was so much competitionand fakeness cos evryone was competin for a palce at ocs..for attn...everyone needed a shoutout!
but then again i m realyl lousy at keepin in touch with ppl..really. i often just lose frens along the way. but lettin go is wad life is abt no? life is made of big let goes..

speakin of corners..
world cup! i m so proud of korea..ok i ll support asian teams no matter wad.. i mproud of my beloved NIPPOn too haha,,i m so proud to be asian k..hais but not much fever..i hope brazil wins!

i wanna thank everyone for believin in me.. for bein such dear buddies.. i thin ki realyl hog the limelight..sheesh i m so popular.. haha. right tsk tsk
but yeah when i first stepped into SI and church i felt crazy and anti social.. i will rmb eugene in particular.. cos he was so humble and so willin to make frens with me. i bet i sucked at first i always pulled a logn face.. sorry dudes..i didnt want to make frens at first.. dunn oi was stupid or wad..and at first i found kaymeng irritating and weizhe a bug show off..haha i tht zhi yong was the oni nice guy..haha eyah that was in the beginning but thanks so much man u guys i wouldn be abel to pull thru without u guys.. i tht i was a lousy person u know i was convinced my bmt mates hated me and i was not good in a grp of guys.. btu u guys make me feel loved lol.. i hope we stay i ntouch

the goat.. tryin to see the best in ppl is not easy. u need to have a big heart. he is actuali a gd dude i think its just yeah..anw i m really thankful for all teh lifts he has been giving me haha i like his mum;s car and the music..eyah its nice.. u know i havent sat i na vehicle or car in a long time.. i mean my fam dun own one and yeah i m realyl thankful. i wish he will speak nicely to his mum. his mum really dotes on him.. of cos all mothers do..there should be two mothers day..fathers..sigh. no comments. yeah but i guess that was the alst tiem i took a lift from him.. he is a harmless dude realyl but i hope he gets to see more of teh world really. .it wil ldo him good.

walk out of ur well . GOD gave me legs.. i wanna go runnin all of a sudden
btu i m realyl hungry.

doubt ur doubts.

2006-06-18T02:30:00.000-07:00

i wished kay meng and so so many on my frens were with me in church today. i felt rejuvenated from a week of stupidity. it wouldn be the first time but i felt GOd speakin clearly to me. yeah

the sermon was a simple one
dont trust urself
because u think u know right from wrong.. u think u re in control.. u would like to be in control but u re not GOD..who controls even the number of strands on ur hair. self deception is the tool of the devil..
yeah we like to deceive ouselves..like to be deceived by our culture and by men..we find excuses for ourselves when we make mistakes..

do not worry
yes. worrying is devstating. y worry abt clothes food or shelter. y worry that u will have nowhere to go. yes no one wants to be average. there is nth wrong in wantin to pursue dreams to go ocs to be a pilot to go somewhere prestigious to make lots of money .there is nothing wrong in all that.. but it is wrong when u measure ur self worth based on those.. cos how high do u want up the ladder do u want to climb b4 u feel secure? u think by gettin into somewhere prestigous..will make u happy how much money do u want to make? these things should nto measure u. GOd loves u so much .. if oni u know he has a plan for all of us and we are part of his big plan.. havent u seen nature in its glory if he can provide the fields with lillies wad could be so complex for him. do not deceive urself. its a lousy struggle for self control bcos even at the very top ppl do not feel secure ppl do not find rest in stress. thats why they consult feng shui .. and all the crazy things.. delight in GOd seek righteousness and his kingdom and he will give u strength to fulfil ur dreams for the ver y dreams u have were given to u by HIM. GOD knows wads best for u.. scientist will nv create stable protoplasm bcos we are not GOD..for every detail in our life is a miracle constructed by him..ion his realm can we find answers oni..

dont doubt urself

doubt ur doubts
GOd wants us to believe in him and when he gives us HIs plans we must not doubt that we cannot achieve them. worryin is an awful habbit to indulge in. this i must rmb..

ok that was todays sermon the gist of it.. ha i obviously cant deliver it as well as the pastor lol.. but anw not bvad la considerin its all fro mmemory.. as u can see church was the best thing that happen this week. i felt totally drained this week..my legs are still kinda creaky..knees especially..cant wait to disrupt? hais i ll leave it to GOD and not worry. yeah
=)
jeremy and his gf.. he told me today they have been together for 6 yrs wow.. but he told me this
nwo jeremy is my number one person i look up to.

Our churches teaches that we should only single date if we are aiming for marriage. as in financially stable, sure of what we want in a partner and know what is expected of us as a partner. b4 this stage we should only group date ie go out in mixed groupsrelationships at teh sec sch or jc level not advised cos at that age kids have noidea wad tehy are gettin themselves into. they arent even independentas individuals or havent sorted out their own life goals and what they llstudy in uni what job etc. they are oso dating for a long period puttin themselvesat risk of fallin into sexual immorality or getting into a relationship they cant get out ofand wad abt the parents. imagine u re a parent of a sec 4 and he tells u he has a sec 4 stead.. how would u feel?not too gd rite..
the relationship must be pleasin to the parent as well cos we must honor our parents. even if they arent christian.

well for him he said he shouldn have..6 yrs qwas too long and they started out not havin marriage in mind. i guess i nv tht abt the parents part till today.. haha nick! u could be the last person o nthe planet to agree to wad was said above but as far as i know i ll try my best to live to it now. yeah.

this is prob the best way to live life.

focus u are speed.

i dun wanna believe in coincidence bcos GOD gives signs to answers i need.

u re really leaving eh. honto.

gotta book in tonight. to polish boots haha. am i lookin forward to next week? yeah sorta..haha

cry me a river.

2006-06-17T06:25:00.000-07:00

oh no i m not so cheerful anymore haha.
my uncle said right b4 i enlisted, " do ur best in army try to get along with ppl, worse come to worse jsut endure no matter wad"
darn at that point of time i was thinkin..i wasnt thinkin i was like huh? why?! i strongly believed that army would be fun! sign on dude i was like oh man i m lookin forward to this make some money slack ard..heard its brainless right can get fit get tan become man.. haha i mean wads with those words.. my faasstcraft was abt to dock at tekong! wads with endure.. this is gonna be two yrs of holidays no? i mean a bunch of guys how bad can it be.. make frens..it be like VS i loved VS hahaha..ha ha ha.. till ur teeth drop out k..

so enter the wilderness and i ve t oconfess i ve never felt liek this b4. darn i used to know wad i was wakin up to.. for the oaast few months i had no idea why i woke up at all? ER.. huh? wad er ..OKAYY.. yeah thats how i pass the day. i experimental and realise that u oni need a single moanin syllable to get by an average day in army cos u dun have to think. u re in the worst kinda cell the wost kinda prison. ur mind ur very brain is not required. u have a bed u cant sleep on. u ve clothes that argh..u have no freedom. u have a reclining chair and a couple of guys who tell u where and wad u shuld do.. heck u start to speak funny and so does everyone ard u.

my journey in the wilderness.. if i were to write a thousadn word essay..i dun care if its ACE or LIVE or wad..its a bucket of tears i fear.and that u have all kinds of ppl of course u have ..i mean every fighting fit and fightin fit arse goes thru the daze...snapping of this daze will no doubt prove to be highly extraORDinarily exciting occasion dun u think so?

sheesh somedays everything can go wrong from the bed to the washing machine. i realised that my brain hasnt been used most of the time here. i can stand for 8 hrs in the sun not knowing why..once in a while the command is given to stand at ease..i dun see how standign with feet wide apart and hands behind the back make one feel in anyway easy?

oh well i hate operas.. u knowthe massive kind where one man shout limited movements lots of speeches that dun make sense tunes that oni have a few beats..yeah that kind of opera.. the one on 9th august and C.O.C. cut me some slack yeah..

i wodner how next week be like..

grr this was a terrible week.
oh well
at least i watched cars digital! haha

urs truly.

2006-06-12T18:57:00.000-07:00

ths is rather cute.
http://www.epica-awards.org/assets/epica/2004/winners/film/flv/06037.htm

jay chou drove me home
zaid called me

wad an interesting day.

gym-ed at tampines i wanna develop a helmet shaped ass haha. oops sorry. ok today was hmm not the usual tuesday. i woke up yeah planned to bring my mum to the hosp to get her cardio results and accompany her for the rest of the day. haha and then zaid called. "hello this is guard room, GUESSWHO?! i have something of urs..." "oh no Zaid?" he said " yeah when u figure out wad that is call me back!" haiyo that was how i started my morning. well the first thing that came to my mind was my camp pass but obviously not i had it with me and he wouldnt know to call me ..camp pass doesnt have my namae. so i guessed the worst and called back...11b? BINGO. "and he went on and on u know if u know zaid..argh ano hito wa totemo ooki atama. suck thumb man. gojyu dollar? he siad so u pay me 50 bucks? or wad 5 dollars? u knwo what wil lhappen if u go unit alr .. ah HA kanashiina? ano hito wa yasashikutemo kowai desu. hontoni kirai. in the end i said dun lidat la ill find u treat u k? make peace. truly a good nick.

hosp was a waste of time all the waiting and non stop waiting a coupel of realyl frindly but relativvely inexperienced nurses drew blood so many times from my mum cos couldnt realyl find a good place and apparently her vein was too small but from what i saw it wasnt so. it looked pretty big. oh well. goin to the hosp is soecxciting i just keep seeing myself with a stethoscope on! haha yeah and i watched various ppl, families, prisoners, convicts askin all sorts of questions. its really interesting .therer is so much life out there. NS oh u poor thing. my cell mate says he cant wait to enter Ns aint no wad he is saying haha. but yeah i watched this funny two brothers. the boy was swinging his toy ard and it smacked his youngers bro eyes..ahha and the bro cried! and the mother smacked the elder's eyes. haha and she said "play pay play if he goes blind i l lstick out ur eyes!" haha then i said like that u ll ve two blind sons! oh no..lol i think she heard me oops.

haiyo i fee l very weak now leh. when i do gym i used to be capable of much more .now i can oni run. but tampines pool and gym has been upgraded. so its pretty cool afterall it was where i learned to swim hahaha special memories.. i took photos but lazy to put up today.

i feel like taking leave next sat leh. hais i wannaplay bball... but too bad la huh. next week is so uncertain go unit..haha but it be in bedok! which is pretty cool hopeful i can take one hr off to colelct my Alevel cert! haha yafen is so lazy to collect finidng excses not to collect oni..tsk tsk.. says she doesnt want it ..hhaha haiyo some ppl ah.. go uk la go la.. she doesnt mind mailin me the authority card to take her cert lol..which is more troublesome i wonder? haiyo.. but i was on the treadmill for an hr today..i saw yafen leavign the airport.. so sad..when i run wadeva i m thinkin abt in my sub sub conscious wil l surface out esp when i reach the trance state..hais i dun want u to go..

treadmill the reason why my mum couldnt get her cardio results was the last time she couldnt complete the cardio test. the moment the treadmill's speed increased sher vomitted and had to stop so the ycoudn complete the test at all.. now the alternative is to use drugs.. injec ther heart to make it werk faster and see how she reacts.. there are risks involved ..haisi feel liek aski nher to forgo it..btu i know its best for her to check..its really not good..anw i have faith in the doctors..and in GOD of course.

i have faith in honesty too .i have always been honest and returnin ppl their stuff..today i did somethign realyl honest .. yeah i feel proud of myself i guess thats y ppl are willin to return me my 11b.. haha yeah.

oh yeah actual imy dcell can coem watch me march! i just tht of it! genius rite? but sky is an idiot. haha i shall take me SAR21 and shoto into the sky.. brillant. its liek so near yet so far the yare palyin at mt batten stadium so near haha..oh well..jay chou drove me home today.t hecab driver was crazy eh wore a cap listened to really techno musci beat three traffic adn spoke to himself.. he comemnted that some dude stole a cab to earn money stolen cab driving ppl ard...was he talkin abt himself?! he was totally attitude!! my mum was qutie scared haha..yeah he was jay chou he kept mumbling...and he had frumpy hair. lol

speaking of blind yesterday was a blinding dday. the sun was hot and i was doing SK aka menial tasks i nthe camp with junming.. we had to clean the drain csweep SI and decorated the whole place with banners.. hais for the COc parade...all bcos my name is not TIMOTHY! the slack mutant. yeah haiyo my life and banners.. reminds me so much of sC but at least thats like realli my job in sc i feel proud to hang VJ's name esp in nj..hahah duri nthe soccer match.. lol but haiyo not SIGNALS..lol but lots of emotions ran as i climbed the ladders adn various structures to hang them up. .i miss school .to put it plainly .be it epps vs vj gogaku haiyo..
i wanna go back real soon! think ill join? hmm X country? lol

anw kay haiyo u dun understand the word perfect dude. perfect is not whats on the surface. i m not philosophical or wad. but some ppl believe in chance coincidence or fate..of cos now i believe in GOd's plans for us all. sometimes we cannot be so one track mind eh.. it doesnt have to be ocs yll to be perfecto. sometimes things are perfect just the way they re.. huiling was sayin she believes ahundred percent in fate now. .wad else could it be? she never saw herself doing law..all the yrs toiling with science meant either some funky overseas research schoalrship or medicine..butnowlaw.. sometimes life ..imena life was never supposed to be planned..different ppl are meant to lead different lives and opportunity cost states that one experience cannot be traded for the other. i believe wadva experience u get in life, there is a fix ratio of pain happiness toil that has to be put in.. yeah even a baby who loves for 5 hrs experience them in the seconds. stop feelin sorry for urself baby. its silyl ..u are smart hardwerkin have brains and friendly dude.. many ppl out there are so much less fortunate. and its not that u should look on the bright side man i know u have expectations of urself we all do.. but maybe they are not correct? yeah no one took ur pilot wings aways u just werent meant to fly in that direction. can? i dun wanna leave my SI frens.
human life is too filled with details.. details and more details.. but the almighty created the big picture. we designed our own details amd problems to trap ourselves. take a step back and u ll see that there are many things to be thankful for yeah?

cos yesterday i met up with my junior eric for dinner after all the menial tasks..i was early and took 190 to dhoby ghaut to change 36 jsut for kicks i like taking bus esp of nostalgia routes i hope bus 53 never changes route. and a blind man he was nt wearin shades so he was v blind his eyes were nto there goldfish eyes.. a lto of white.. he was feelin his way ard with a fold up chair, walkin state adn large sling bag on his shoulders. so u knwo the moment he got off the stairs he surged forward adn banged into this couple..he looked liek he ;s been travelin for days and i m not surprised at the rate he gets ard or rather may never get around at all without knowning. see he nearly banged int ot his couple. his chair smacked them and the guy was like eeyer brushed him aside.. and he carried on lurging forward onto the road. now i dint step in at first cos i really wanted to knwo how blind ppl get ard.. i have always been impressed byt he blind wh oclaim to be able to feel tehir way round.. btu i guess it aint so.. he walked str off the bus stop onto the road and the buses were drivin ZOOMIN by real quickly . i sprinted forward to pull him back wit hanother manl he is a lot bigger in size than me.and then he was stil lfeeli nwith his palm.. he placedhis hands on the sides of a speeding bus.. like tryin to feel a wall but it aint no wall it was a speeding bus.. i really tug him ack.. subsequentl;y all the bus behind had to stop cos of him.. and he went to all of them mumblin unclearly suntec? i knew 36 goesthere adn i was takin 36 so i told him to sit down du nworry i ll get him there..wehen the bus came i br thim up the bus ..got him a seat .. the bus was really packed but lucky ppl gave up for him. but they had to la.. i mean he was carryin sp many things and cos he ve no clue where he is. he was jsut smackin eveyrone all ard him with the objects..in the end i got all his stuff and placedi t down for him i told him i ll let him knwo when e got ot suntec i asked whci hpart of suntec he wanted to go.. i suspect he is a mild retard.. he said carrefour.. and when the bus was abt to reach he took out his discman and this speakers and placed the m near his ears.. his speakers are the oens i used to listen to my ipod at night.. yeah it was just a sigh t that man was lugging so many things.. he took out a ourse fro mhis bag to blow his nose! he prob tht it was tissue paper..

it was a sad sight but i didnt want to alight at carrefour i was goineast coast. ia asked a lady if she mind bringin him to carrefour..she said defensively at first but i m not heading ther eand stared at him in disgust..i asked her could u just help him open the door in suntec adn hand him over to someone else wad was a blind doing alone out in the streets man. but as teh bus lef ti saw he rholding hands with him..and i guess she might have changed her mind and brt him all the way to carrefour..yeah there are nice ppl ard..

btw the word menial is sensitive .. i rmb in sc tehre was a huge debate over its use ..some scs were accusin others of shunning menial tasks and rhetorical qns arosed on wads menial? how should one edefnine a job to be more menial than others ..u mean unglam jobs are less impt.. sigh and the meeting ended rather bitterly. haha cos in sc everything is menial but thats y u were eleceted in i guess. of cos the re are lots of cool jobs but it aint cool most of the time.. but oh well so long ago.. now everything i do is menial!

meetin up with eric was fun haha.. my favourite junior. ok i m biased. i hope he gets into medicine too.. malaysians shuld ve more advantage la.. so many malaysian docs outthere..haha

and alas i bht myself

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