Sunday, December 31, 2006
well happy new yr. 2007.
haha and my bday would be 27-07-2007
pretty cool. alright so its first of jan already. whoa sch will start in a week. ihg less than that. bought this blue pad for my lap top. makes typn kinda harder tho.. hmm.. ut oh well..its for protection..my palmaris longus feels weird..
a pretty meaning ful countdown. i kissed my mum and put her to bed. i wonder how many of such chances i l lhave left.. joke with her make her laugh. i figured i can make everyone laugh.. i can easily entertain a grp of frens.. but my mum prob deserves it more.
there u go joke abt everything.. abt how my dad once got upset that a kanaji was spat into his fried rice.. and laugh at his terrible english.. as he tries to converse with an old "fren"
i wouldnt ask for ath more. just to be at home.. accompany my mum. see that she doesnt get upset for one day.. i would give the world.
but reality is a whole lot more frustrating.
it is.
i was this angry kid. at 10 yrs old. i remember clearly still how this yellow container was flung at me. i damned the man. all i could wish for was his death. the container hit my head. was crying. the man was angry cos things didnt go his way. cos he thinks God is the person who do u favours if u re nice to her. but thats not god. ha far from it. it was my evil aunt. the one who bullys my mum.. somewhere in the recesses of his childish mind.. was that if oni he could please my aunt.. he may someday be able to get her to help him out.. sell him her sports car.. at cheaper price.. old fool.. why would someone like my aunt do that.. she thought so highly of herself..independent woman..two divorces.. high manager salary..big mnc firm.. seriously .. ididnt knwo what the man was thinking. she looked at him as though.as though he was a fly waiting oni to be squashed. .. that was when i realsied that man..my father.. was a goner. .
i loathed him. a man who compares his eldest son to every kid in the neighbourhood. oh i m not sporty enuff.. oh so and so is so independent i stil lahve to take the sch bus.. oh other kids are cuter learnt faster.. more adorable. .more polite.. if i messed his stuff its..whack whack.. if it was the girl on my level..i rmb her bro smashed his 200 racket which he wouldnt even let me touch.. andhe was all soft with the neighbours.. oh its alrite.. they are oni kids.. no need to pay la.. children are like that.. so cute.. he needed to be mr nice guy in front of everyone.. except me.
he made me hate myself hate the world.. i forced myself to learnt everything. he really was oni a small fly.. i may have been ten yrs old but i wasnt blind. i vowed never to be like him. that whatever he does.. i ll do different.. that i ll learn eveything on my own..push myself and excel..
when my mum returned home from werk found me cryin in pain in the corner of the hse.. she ..u can oni imagine wad she did to him.
well.. its been more than a decade hasnt it. tables turn. the cute neighbourhood kids.. cant even be bothered to greet him now.. people change and he feels left behind.. as far as i know.. he is oni my biological father. he is as dead to me as.. my mum brt me up. kept me sane. she doesnt know how angry it is to be me. but anyway,.. he suffered alot. her health everything.. ppl frens come and go in our lives..most of them leave.. i made sure i do well. sch was the oni way to get a grip. one day ill turn my back on these ppl..shuld they come begging me for help.
but education changes u. i do realsied that its not the way. i shuld help these ppl. these poor souls.. ppl like my dad who will never know wad went wrong and wad was missin intheir lives.. my relatives who live in a well. one day i m going to graduate a doc.. and i swear i ll graduate well. i l ldo it for my mum. and my old man. thins have changed so damn much. i feel almost celebrated.
a couple of yrs back all i would have wanted was revenge.. revenge for every single pain these pp have caused me. for all the times they looked down on me. .wit htheir wry smart remarks. i tht i ll want to make them pay. but now i want to hel pthem.
perhaps they can never see where they ve gone wrong.
and i know where t ostart.
becos at this moment i see my dad in my bro. exact replica.
my mum and i know it .
its slightly worst. my dadwas born with polio.. but he had guts. he dared everything..swimmin ride motorbike.. played badminton..he spent his whole life tryin to prove himself. he is talented relli..just lazy.. when it coems t ostudies.. he had the chance he blew it. .. i believe he isa gd man. he jsut doenst know how to love his kids..or rahtherwhere his heart's priorities shuld be. cos even tho he behaves lieka real jerk most of the time.. the way he talks.. the way he treats me.. he works so hard.. two jobs ..for.. me ..my fam i guess.. alright other than the fact that he supports his lifestyle of gambling bad debts and so on.. but still its fair to say he wanted nth but the best for me.
my bro tho. really is a lot less talented. intelligence wise.. really lackin. i can say this cos i grew up with him.. and u know certain things.. he is a really slow learner. very honest guy. happy most of the time. .much happier than myself. simple.
btu he is very lazy. afraid to werk. And he accepts failure too easily.. one moment he can be ver y upset that he hasn’t doen well.the next he is percfectly fine with it. I guess I ll give ath to be like him in this aspect cos when I dun do well.. I really thrash myself..
he is very immature. He wants to buy alotof things…they say its oni natural when siblings compare.. like when I have a lap top..when I buy shirts.. I mean cmon I need shirts..to go hosp and so on.. I have been wearin oni one shirt for all the hosp visits and interviews.. btu my bro.. I dunno he wants everything I have..and he will use it to .. he wlll say thngs like he will compare… and thks that he is treated less importantly or unfair.. im ean that’s pretty natural for siblings.. but he shuld really look at reality. Wad is needed and not.. if u want to compare.. really why dun u compare grades.. he puts pressure on my mum all the tiem to buy him stuff.. I gues bein the youngest doesn’t give u the right to get ur way.. but well..my mum is truly saddened.. all his frens can at leas tmake it to jc.. prelim results.. its almost as if he desnt care.,.the fact that he has tuition for every subject.. he fact that all the money I earn goes to payin for his tuiton.. its time he wisened up really.. u can just spend 50 dollars a day or 160 on a shirt without blikin an eye.. we dun come fro mthatkind of family.. u know wad dad werk as..
my dad often recounted how he made his mum buy him a pair of levis.. when sheearned 60 cents an hr scrubbin laundry.. its like the y are exactly the same..he tells us how he regrets it till this day…and how he sees himself in my bro..
what will the new yr be like..
end of yr one.. .. must d omy best.. move on to yr 2..
guys my batch will ord..
bro will start poly.. currently teachin 4 students..yadayada…
I feel insecure.. so many wad ifs in my head. Will dad lose his head. Become senile..quarel with everyne get fired.. lose his job.. will mum;s health see her through.. will yafen changed a lot when she returns.. what do I say.. will old frens still bother with each other.. who will I be next yr? can I?
Uncertain 27.
the kiss of I would understand. at