Onaji sora shita

well happy new yr. 2007.
haha and my bday would be 27-07-2007

pretty cool. alright so its first of jan already. whoa sch will start in a week. ihg less than that. bought this blue pad for my lap top. makes typn kinda harder tho.. hmm.. ut oh well..its for protection..my palmaris longus feels weird..

a pretty meaning ful countdown. i kissed my mum and put her to bed. i wonder how many of such chances i l lhave left.. joke with her make her laugh. i figured i can make everyone laugh.. i can easily entertain a grp of frens.. but my mum prob deserves it more.

there u go joke abt everything.. abt how my dad once got upset that a kanaji was spat into his fried rice.. and laugh at his terrible english.. as he tries to converse with an old "fren"

i wouldnt ask for ath more. just to be at home.. accompany my mum. see that she doesnt get upset for one day.. i would give the world.

but reality is a whole lot more frustrating.
it is.
i was this angry kid. at 10 yrs old. i remember clearly still how this yellow container was flung at me. i damned the man. all i could wish for was his death. the container hit my head. was crying. the man was angry cos things didnt go his way. cos he thinks God is the person who do u favours if u re nice to her. but thats not god. ha far from it. it was my evil aunt. the one who bullys my mum.. somewhere in the recesses of his childish mind.. was that if oni he could please my aunt.. he may someday be able to get her to help him out.. sell him her sports car.. at cheaper price.. old fool.. why would someone like my aunt do that.. she thought so highly of herself..independent woman..two divorces.. high manager salary..big mnc firm.. seriously .. ididnt knwo what the man was thinking. she looked at him as though.as though he was a fly waiting oni to be squashed. .. that was when i realsied that man..my father.. was a goner. .

i loathed him. a man who compares his eldest son to every kid in the neighbourhood. oh i m not sporty enuff.. oh so and so is so independent i stil lahve to take the sch bus.. oh other kids are cuter learnt faster.. more adorable. .more polite.. if i messed his stuff its..whack whack.. if it was the girl on my level..i rmb her bro smashed his 200 racket which he wouldnt even let me touch.. andhe was all soft with the neighbours.. oh its alrite.. they are oni kids.. no need to pay la.. children are like that.. so cute.. he needed to be mr nice guy in front of everyone.. except me.

he made me hate myself hate the world.. i forced myself to learnt everything. he really was oni a small fly.. i may have been ten yrs old but i wasnt blind. i vowed never to be like him. that whatever he does.. i ll do different.. that i ll learn eveything on my own..push myself and excel..

when my mum returned home from werk found me cryin in pain in the corner of the hse.. she ..u can oni imagine wad she did to him.

well.. its been more than a decade hasnt it. tables turn. the cute neighbourhood kids.. cant even be bothered to greet him now.. people change and he feels left behind.. as far as i know.. he is oni my biological father. he is as dead to me as.. my mum brt me up. kept me sane. she doesnt know how angry it is to be me. but anyway,.. he suffered alot. her health everything.. ppl frens come and go in our lives..most of them leave.. i made sure i do well. sch was the oni way to get a grip. one day ill turn my back on these ppl..shuld they come begging me for help.

but education changes u. i do realsied that its not the way. i shuld help these ppl. these poor souls.. ppl like my dad who will never know wad went wrong and wad was missin intheir lives.. my relatives who live in a well. one day i m going to graduate a doc.. and i swear i ll graduate well. i l ldo it for my mum. and my old man. thins have changed so damn much. i feel almost celebrated.

a couple of yrs back all i would have wanted was revenge.. revenge for every single pain these pp have caused me. for all the times they looked down on me. .wit htheir wry smart remarks. i tht i ll want to make them pay. but now i want to hel pthem.
perhaps they can never see where they ve gone wrong.

and i know where t ostart.

becos at this moment i see my dad in my bro. exact replica.
my mum and i know it .
its slightly worst. my dadwas born with polio.. but he had guts. he dared everything..swimmin ride motorbike.. played badminton..he spent his whole life tryin to prove himself. he is talented relli..just lazy.. when it coems t ostudies.. he had the chance he blew it. .. i believe he isa gd man. he jsut doenst know how to love his kids..or rahtherwhere his heart's priorities shuld be. cos even tho he behaves lieka real jerk most of the time.. the way he talks.. the way he treats me.. he works so hard.. two jobs ..for.. me ..my fam i guess.. alright other than the fact that he supports his lifestyle of gambling bad debts and so on.. but still its fair to say he wanted nth but the best for me.

my bro tho. really is a lot less talented. intelligence wise.. really lackin. i can say this cos i grew up with him.. and u know certain things.. he is a really slow learner. very honest guy. happy most of the time. .much happier than myself. simple.
btu he is very lazy. afraid to werk. And he accepts failure too easily.. one moment he can be ver y upset that he hasn’t doen well.the next he is percfectly fine with it. I guess I ll give ath to be like him in this aspect cos when I dun do well.. I really thrash myself..

he is very immature. He wants to buy alotof things…they say its oni natural when siblings compare.. like when I have a lap top..when I buy shirts.. I mean cmon I need shirts..to go hosp and so on.. I have been wearin oni one shirt for all the hosp visits and interviews.. btu my bro.. I dunno he wants everything I have..and he will use it to .. he wlll say thngs like he will compare… and thks that he is treated less importantly or unfair.. im ean that’s pretty natural for siblings.. but he shuld really look at reality. Wad is needed and not.. if u want to compare.. really why dun u compare grades.. he puts pressure on my mum all the tiem to buy him stuff.. I gues bein the youngest doesn’t give u the right to get ur way.. but well..my mum is truly saddened.. all his frens can at leas tmake it to jc.. prelim results.. its almost as if he desnt care.,.the fact that he has tuition for every subject.. he fact that all the money I earn goes to payin for his tuiton.. its time he wisened up really.. u can just spend 50 dollars a day or 160 on a shirt without blikin an eye.. we dun come fro mthatkind of family.. u know wad dad werk as..

my dad often recounted how he made his mum buy him a pair of levis.. when sheearned 60 cents an hr scrubbin laundry.. its like the y are exactly the same..he tells us how he regrets it till this day…and how he sees himself in my bro..

what will the new yr be like..
end of yr one.. .. must d omy best.. move on to yr 2..
guys my batch will ord..
bro will start poly.. currently teachin 4 students..yadayada…

I feel insecure.. so many wad ifs in my head. Will dad lose his head. Become senile..quarel with everyne get fired.. lose his job.. will mum;s health see her through.. will yafen changed a lot when she returns.. what do I say.. will old frens still bother with each other.. who will I be next yr? can I?

Uncertain 27.

the kiss of I would understand. at 9:51 PM .

i erm.. do realise that
the year is ending once again. party of the year or not.. new yr;s day coems every yr. i stand in shock now. and somwhat speechless too. i guess dreams reflect our inner thts and desires and worries and stress.. if that is so, i knwo exactly what i ll be screamin if i sleep talk.

i wun actually be screaming.. but i ll see the tangent curves and all of lives intercepts. gradients. i ll see u more clearly than u re now.. and i be drowning to ehar ur voice.. and all teh silly things u said.. liek ni hen piao liang.. i guess its proven.. wad u actively thk of in the day shows at night..

i erm dream of loses at night. that i ll wake up and find a nightmare in another. somedays im afraid this is all a dream other days i wish it was so.

i jsut learnt that a gd fren of mine lost his dad.
i rmb another fren of mine lost his mum when he was i np3.. i was so scared then. i didnt know what or how to feel. my mum said to cerish adn love everyone we have ard us.. b4 its too late

it is isnt it.
i feeel likea bad person neglectin and doubtin everyone ard me.
but i knwo i must count my blessing. the yr is turnin the corner. and there are many things ishuldbe grateful for.
i had lunch with kums today,..ha he let me try rock climbin..
first and foremost.. i m grate ful for the cahnce to be where i m ..really. i knwo thatits tough and there is possibly alotto be dissatisfied abt...but truly i m happy to bewherei m..

i m grateful that i have always done well.
grateful that i m surrounded by ppl who care for me.
even more grateful to be surrounded by ppl who trust me.
i m grateful that my mum is still.. getting by.

i m blessed. i know it. alot of ppl will be dyin to be where i m. i have been given so much grace.

i just hope i wun make the wrogn decisions when the time come. thati l lstil lkeep my state of mind.

the kiss of I would understand. at 9:16 AM .

boxing day. xmas visited oce again. looks like i aint travelin this hols.. life has become really complicated.. i feel that findin the words to describe anything can be really difficult. to relate something may never be fully possible. but we all try anyway.

maybe its best to just keep things bottled up. that way we can be less mechanized.

be gracious to me. i feel annoyed i ve kinda given up hope. on ppl. i really dun expect anymore. more tahn ath else i feel used. everyonewants themselves to be heard understood..and let me add... entertained.

i dun complain there is alot to do. i just wish there was a purpose.. like a man who stares in the mirror.. he finds no meanin other thn his reflection..which looks as confused.

portraying capability is sthi do.
the nect part to it really depends.

gatherings can end up pretty dry with not muxch to say to each other. ppl are either too similar or too diferent to start with. ironically bithare bad.. silence can be really awful. and cold.. tho most of the time its stil ldesirable.

sometimes it can feel like nth werks at all..
marriages aget draggy.. everything ends. everyone departs and everyone gets hurt.

love turns t ofunction and funcction is what we do best. tantamountin expectations kill eventuali.

waitin to transfer photos.. internet is takin foreva.. comittees to answer to= one too many.. responsibilities.. trg unstarted..
gatherings are pretty tirin but stayin alone is liek tryin to borea srew thru ur head at times. work is monotonous as well..

well its xmas so its time to get things in sight

next yr.. impt year. determine whether will get retain or not.. must study darn hard. but the key is to rmb to be interested.. the stuff i learn is very interestin.. thats how i get thru sc hyearly

to keep savin up and working

to acheieve other goals tjat will make me different fro mthe rest ..keep up the trgs

to take up drivin..

next yr the guys will ord... there will be homecomin..

i hope to travel ultimately.

my resoln next yr .. really is to be happy.. to do things that iwant to do and not to please thers all teh time.. seems almost imposssible.

i hope to be more stable to onext yr.

and i hope .. i l lmake the right decisions. when the time comes. yeah

i want to many things to go my way. i want pp to love me but i dun wanna return the same. i wish home wasnt a war zone all the time but i know i do little to reconcile anyway. i knwo i want to send mroe tiem with frns and get to knwo more people but i jsut want to be alone most of the time. i wished i could exlain alot more things cos i see problems everywhere i go that begs soln. btu i have none. i wish t oeducate but i must realise that not everyone needs the same education.

the kiss of I would understand. at 4:30 AM .

well wadya know.. xmas is tomorrow. of all the year i claim that i really can get no festive xmas wadeva spirit.. this yr tops the charts.. i dunno. it feels liek just aanother day another yr.. nth special.. maybe its gettin old and all.. buteven then old ppl i have seen hapy bunch gettin all joyful abt tomorrow..

alright so we must rmb the meanin of xmas.. yeah it sure means alot.. i mean we all know the stories and all.. and all the commercial attachemnts.. the presents.. buti jusr wanna say that i feel really detached fro mthe world right now.. cosfrankly i feel like i can live alone.. be alone.. and thats all i wanna be..ell almost..

before i sound like a pathetic grump..imean grinch.. i recalli used to be quite an xmas nazi la.. haha oh wells.. its eve.. noplans till countdown at night.. prob go to church later.. but i just woke up and its 12 alr.. i have never been sucha a slop..wakin up past ten is like.. woa too much of a .. but then i have never slept past three either.. and these days nto sleepin at all seem to gt along fine with me...

so what have i been up to this hos actuali..seems t be a qn i have to ans quite often on msn.. and frankly the ans is kinda fuzzy cosi m not sure.. it seems that timereally eludes me now ... erm now that its not schoolin..ok wait a second time has always eluded.. time flies no matter what.. and i still feel liek i m in twilight zone .. i mean like.. bloody hell a yr went by..and this is what life would poosibly like for many yrs t ocome.. ok i m rally like an old grinch..

everytime i think of my frens now.. i do all the time actuali.. both the new ones and old ones.. but more of the old ones.. cos the new ones.. well the ones from nus.. im kinda leadin their lives..almost.. btu the old onrs.. many it eludes me.. i dunno i miss them badly.. where are they now how life is liek from them..

they will prob not understand what i feel like yet anyway.. u know.. sergeants doin COS ..book in and out..short a few days leave.. feastin oni on weekends..dota.. lazin ard.. maybe and then goin back to an almost prison style life.. sorry.. i m not sayin that i m havin a much better time.. i dun.. trust me..

it still feels like anat paper was yesterday..and i havent had much of a break.. ok maybe not.. i did ve alot of break..i watched one a nda half season of prison break in 4 days.. i tht it was overkill..but i knwo of ppl..haha who have watched more serials in shirter periods of time.. actauli i feel pretty darn good.. i havent really hang out or chilled out much this hols.. u know.. last time dec..i ll prob be in town catchin up with a diofferent person everyday.. or u know.. even trg hard..

but i kinda really miss stayin at home now.. and travelin out jsut means spendin money.. burnin that hole there..

and it seems rpretty meaningless to catch up with ppl cos i feel that everyone is worlds apart.. ironic right.. u actuali catch up with ppl to wanaa know how they are doin..amybe the real deal is that the ppl i really wanna catch up with..icant get to them..so dun bother.. haha yeah i thk thats the real.. deal..but well stil lahve two weeks to fix that.. and get my lazy ass of the couch..

i ve bee nteachin sitl tho. .and is not bad.. money is gd motivation..its one of my prime actuivity this mth i guess.. and i m really in luck.. one of my students fam..got me a big log ccake that tok up the space of y almost the whole fridge.. really big xmas ccake.. u feel really blessed and lucky when u teach such families.. hey are alwasy so nice..one night it was late and rainy and the mum drove me home.. it makes collectin money from them almost guilty.. and i realluy hope the kids do well.

well i hope everyone does well no matter where or what la..

la.. i know darn well wads missin ,. the person i ve spent my laast 4 5 years of xmas with is goin to tour europa the next day.. boo.. but i do wonderwad its like.. u know walkin london..alone with all he shops closed on xmas.. most of ur frens back home.. but its like in love actualli..well almost ..u know deprived ppl like us here can oni muster vague imagination.. of wad it be like in london town.. heh.. sigh btu possibly lonely too..

at least in sg.. there isfamiliarity.. i m sure there is wherever u are now.. but thereis a big gin gang of "frens" to hang out iwht., like u will never be alone.. which is wad i m doin tonight... settler;s cafe! countdown. kinda excitin no? yeah not bad la.. i thk its a lr a blessin to haeve freens in uni..it felt darn hard to get to anyone at first.. and i m really hapy that te hall ppl are a cool bunch i can hang out with..right i do count my blessings..

but still i wonder how life be like.. u know how different.. i dunno it seems that many things changed this yr..it is like the settling year.. i know that fate..can change like the winds.. but this yr..it seem to ve set so many things in place.. unless sth unfortunate haens.. imena one ccan always screw up his studies and belah lets not go there..

haha i have been thinkin of also how i would feeel if i was confined at home likejz.. seriously i thk he is pretty tough.. as if surgery and havin to be in a cast for the next 6 mths or weeks isnt bad enuff..on dec hsi fam goes back to taiwan and he is all alone hee with on ihe weather to remind him of taipei.. pretty dauntin eh..but i did my part la.. haha ikept him company almost everydya.. haha sigh i must count my blessings..

btu its horrible to have to look into other ppl shoes b4 u count ur ownblessin.isnt that the mind of someone so selfish.. hha like "look at hte kids in africa, they are sufferin..damni shud fee lblessed" i mean if ur miserable u re miserable.. everyone has got different defn thresholsd and understandin of that word no? yeah there is alwasy poor little rich kid..

some pp ldo it for love.. ha i spend a lot of time thinkinabt the charactersin prison break..ha ok its a ficticiousshow.. but if u thk abt everyone lives.. u realise.. some pl maybe the way they are all tehirlives.. after all fiction is a rflection of real life.. or how the creator sees it to be.. everyone wants different things differently..some are foolish so pure hearted.. so lovin.. like my bro.. u know theydun thk much easily contented.. and they are blessed.. luck jsut keeps goin their way..and then there are the thinkers.. those who know wads goin on.. those whoaregeniuses..in ctrl.. but they are never happy..and it seems like hurdles are the oni thing that get them in life.. pretty darn real in life ifu ask me.. it can fee llike obstcales after obstacles..

and we are tht to look at the bright side of life.. but i beliee its not sth everyone can do.. itruly believe i ll always be a sad case..

no matter where i get.. i thk i l lnever be satisfied..

but hell its xmas.. so lets try to be happy.
i liek sight seein tho..esp with..the right company.

things could be simple. but i cant help it.. forced t osee otherwise.

all i see is pain..

merry xmas.

the kiss of I would understand. at 7:41 PM .

idle idle..
veg on fork..
the lights dun show u the way home.. not always.. most of the time its cold and brutal jsut like the world is..

how do u do it man? you wit hthe big chunky smile.. fineweather doesnt come after teh rain. in my life it just gets heavier.. and maybe u wish u drown..

but hten i swim.. sigh ponned trg today.. i feel so unmotivated.. perhaps nto just with regards t otrg u know.. perhaps to everything.. like a demagnetised compass who can oni wish t orust away..

trg sucks.. i jsut dun have it.. lost the factor to push.. i feel burnt out.. i tried studyn too.. equLLY burnt out.. i dunno if someone reads my blog now..they prob be lke.."wah lau.. this guy..studyin durin hols.. and blah blah"

the truth is it sucks to care abt what others think all the time.. right.. what if u could live without care for the rest of the world.. then agn if not for the rest of the world..

ahhathere is no such thing as an ex con.. man jsut keep makin mistakes. one after another..

i got it figured out. season two of prison break aint got no prison breakin.. but perhaps.. this is it.. thsi is the one prison we are all tryin to break out of..

broken thts...
side thoughts.. erm miss i was wonderin..yeah just wonderin.. seriously.

the kiss of I would understand. at 7:56 AM .

naze? naze..

hmm just back from magic of love.. contemplatin matters in my head.. all the cling and clatter..

lifehouse rocks.. would give ath to watch them live.. man coldply too..btu then when they came t osg i didnt watch..was darn tempted haha

sigh.. i guess spendin extravagantly is just not the way to go.. money is spend in the blink or the eye..now tha its the hols.. i went out cut my hair ..took cab.. watch concert ate a more decent meal and oof nearly 50 bucks.. sigh..ok will earn it back tml..best to just werk and stay at home.. i have the makings of a sad lifer..lifer?

wo wads a lifer.. someone who lives lifeee?

trivial..trivial..life is full of trivial..to add t o our encyclopedia of pain.. how easy is it to stay blind..they say love is blind.. but i doubt it.. many ppl are first blind to the love that exist ard them..no? many ppl are blind.. they cnat see ..the love that they spat on.. that they never returned... the love ehich arise out of responsibility.. so love is not blindin when u re blind in the first place no?

i m not gonan talk abt blind to God's love..apparently many ppl are not.. or atleast the yclaim they aren;t.. but they may be hermits.. choosin instead to shun the world then..since they ve "found " .. another word for them is extremist..

that love then could be blind..

right so thats the additional notes on the topic of love.. kinda tired..alr

i dun feel the need to explain everything,..

haha anw i got wind of season two of prison break..cant wait to get my hands on them.. haha

for now.. i ll watch. jsut keep watch.. m not sure of teh best path to take.. the depth of ur grave to deep...what if u could decide that too..

the kiss of I would understand. at 9:06 AM .

tirin day..coached swimmin in the day..haha all red now.. and gave tuition till late at night.. till 11pm..
some olidays,,but its not too bad u know..
i tht abt it..if i wasnt studyin med.. if i was not gonan be a doc.. i prob make my keep now givin uition..sloggin like crazy..then teach swimmin.. haha pretty cool life.. NOT??

oh well i jsut dunno i dnno anymore.. i dunno what im doi nwhat i like what i dun.. table is stacked with volumes of books as usual.. givin pep talk to my juniors and my students and to the rest of the world.. ha nick the motivational speaker? shrugs.. i guess it comes naturally when u knwo what its like..all the battles they are gonan face.. enterin jc.. takin as next yrs.. o;s next yr..etcetc.. everybody like to hear words of encouragement...

but to take it fro msomeonewho measure his self worth agst his grades..thats pretty bad.. but anw.. i broke the 90 barrier for physio..haah..oh well.. proud la.. as in i dun expect much of mself.. o give me that little allowance to gloat.. sheesh..
yeah my results this round are pretty satisfyin..can relax a bit? not..i know i m just sayin.. the multi alarm system in my head wil lrun amok when a ) slackin limit is breached 2) fitness level...depreciaetes

wad a sad life.. its as if..i dunno..ireally dunno anymore..

ah yes perspective.. many ppl dun put things into perspective..

its when night becomes day adn day becomes night. .and right becomes wrong and u become selfish.

lookin forward to tml..and et another tml..

my time is so overcontested for .. sheesh ends up nth gets planned and done.. everyhthign crahses. then cancels out ech other then gets canceled.. pretty cool..

perspective says thsi hols is weird.. my table is still i na mess.. ihavent played pool or kbox.. here is not dancing lights on xmas tree.. i m wishin for mistle oes in stead no jigssaw puzzle on my table.. swimmin in december?
not yet been to town! in mid dec.. sheesh.. so abnormal..i feel like a kid rapper..

eew..

give me that spark..

the kiss of I would understand. at 8:44 AM .

i could take my whole damn life to make this right.
i havent blogged in ages but well i want to..its a gd way to keep track of my pendulous thoughts.. wait maybe not pendulous.. erratic.

so status now..
mid sem of medicine over..
Ca 1 over..
its december..
xmas approachin..
term has reached pseudoend( u realy feel and wish its the end of yr 1)
.. amt of sleep last night zero hours..
amout of losin myself.. and recreation..maximal..

amount of fun(good feelings).. classified..

spiritually relatively empty..
in love? lets not go there..well we are always in love arent we..
results achienvements.. usual.. nth less expected.. not fantastic..but u know the feelin is perhaps coupled to the above..
honestly i did quite well at least i feel that yeah i did above my expectations.. yeah they are super efficient at comin up with ur results here.. so far really quite good la.. better than..i guess can say so.. plenty of frens and ppl to thank.. rmb to give urself zero credits..

but then everytime it gets that way u will jsut sit back.. i dunno..and ponder.. its another exam.. ok u did not bad.. whats next? wait for the next exam.. sighsuddenly feelin very very pessimistic of this superficial life..

but its ok..

i did a lot of crazy stuff yet.. swam in the open sea,.went cyclin.. played soccer.. played non stop bridge polar bear.. went to eat prata and talked till u kinda become near monosyllabic.. but its ok..

i dun want to livet his life anymore.. ifeel so restrained.. as if my life belongs to someoen else..i wish there was more.. i wish i could choose.. i guess i m a roller not a scrunger.. haha but well i m a ctrl freak..and when i have ctrl i wouldnt know what more i need..

sigh so whats next.. hols trg? well actualli i sprained my toes.. i m limpin agn now.. nick the genius.. its damn pain.. i went to play bball and i thk its a lot worse now.. well done.. jsut compressed my entire hall stuff into a million plastic bags.. cute.

i guess i iwll jsut stay at home. i needa lot of that to ponder.. its the yr end.. i mean . i m really sleepy t otype in coherent sentences now. but this hAS BEEN QUITE a year..there was this whole big blur..or time frame seemingly sunctioned out of me.. its called ns..

but whateve.r.. whatevery gets u goin.. be it singin carols jay chou.. watchin a million vids on u tube from family guy to goodness gracious me.. to ian thorpe's strokes..

where does satiety come from.. who am i today..

i wanna travel. not jsut physically..i wanna depart. (to be continued)

the kiss of I would understand. at 4:47 PM .