Onaji sora shita

日本語でタイプできる、嬉しい。
あなたの声を聞ける、嬉しい。
スカイプをできる、嬉しい。
でも、僕は毎日、いつかあなたの笑顔を見るかと思う。もちろん，悲しいの感じが心に住んでいます。

実話，忙しい生活、疲れたっだ。
haha its quite hard to type in jap.. but fun. hmm man souldnt be bloggign as usual. the two days hostel break jsut slip by adn here i m typinaway on my white engine. fallin short of all targets as usual. never meeting them.
itried my best t ostudy as much as i could.. maybe the best is jsut .. i dunno..its all in the mind i guess.. on one hand i would liek to believe that the hman spirit can be pushed beyond limits..the key is the mind. o nthe other hand, exasperated me shous i give up.

but then agn have i not alwasy been doubtful. it wouldnt be the first time that i thk i m not gonna make it.
and yeah progress has been slow at best. feelin abit ofa panic attack alr.

feelin fatas well. studyin adn snackin lateinto the night. i feel my heartbeat slightly raise as fatique sets in.
but still i took time off.. to entertain myself.. watched you tube some funy videos.. went blog surfing..and did u knwo those kind of blog personality tests.

this one abt love life says..
You (me) can have oni one true lover.
you will not settle or be happy with change
You have been hurt deeply before
You need to have someone attractive that u can show off.
the type of relationship that suits u best is a marriage.

bleagh. ha shrugs. the topic of love life suld be shelved on one of u know those top shelves where due to a particular dimension disadvantaged i bv reach. yeah.
but anw. i got a msg to remind me abt my yan li bu qian..odd enuff. as these thts were runnin thru me

i still feel so distant. ohanother quiz saays that my vocab sucks..grammar is exceptional maths is genius general knowledge is below average.. haha..

sheesh the thigns i ll do to get metab off my chest.. thorax i mean.
and then.. therare things ican do to feel liek i m frozen i nanother space.
maybe its called schizo..but i feel liek i can dwell i na continuous journaling state. aka talkin to myself..

and sth yu qiang said has bee nmore than resounding..
he said.. are u happy? i believe that u must be happy in life. u must do the things u like.. and not u have to..or feel forced to..now that feels liek an education.

he said.. i didnt seem to enjoy swimmin for hall.. or trg the team.. he say if u liek if u need to study..then study..if u liek to have alot of stuff then go ahead..shouldnt feel pressured or forced. and i wonder wad happiness might mean. i dunno..yeah i like to train teac hswim.. i liek like to like stuff. but then wad makes me happy i dunno..perhaps nth.

perhaps life is meant to be a sequence of disatisfaction. u know u get by u feel releived u du nfeel happy. u du nget by..u go..ugh adn constipated. i dunno.. andi sat at the food court thinkin over wad he said feelin like i was frozen in time.. as if i was runnin and the world might wait for me to return..venous returm..erm no.. but return..
adn i see a man draggin his child literally.. an old man complainin the barber had been too rough on his grand sn;s sideburn..a mother obviously puts on weight after delivery of a few kids.. never regainin her figure.. adn the cleaners.. bitchin and fightin over who was teh last irresponsible colleague of theirs who shun the washin duties.. and he couples.. wh olook eternally angry at each other.. and the couples where oni one is eager to return affection.. and the couples who feel the need to display al ltheir affection.. i listen to the conversations ard me. .and wonder why we all so different.. are al lat the same place and same point of time.. wad happens when ur children grow up..when u have spend this much money $$$24232511938547 on his living expenses.. tuition fees.. adn he leaves u.. and what might u have achieve.. a lifetime of joy..what do u passo n when u leave this plac.e. there is so much i dunno..and i thk of the cadavers swimminin myhead.. how did u end up where u are today.. is everything a form of service even serving up to this point..from the little children who cant keep their hands from overstretchin their clothes to the mums who spank whack slap them on the train..fro mthe eng speakin to the coarse chinese curses..from the sweaty basketballer to the man in tie with hypertension brewing beneath his skin in the arterioles..

where are we..who are we..and we all need some form of healin all of us. no matter how happy. the world displays dsinterest. the cutest kid gets attn for oni a split second.. before he annoys.

buffer me. from all this. return me to a period of ignorance.
i wishi didnt feel so old.

お久しぶり。多分皆さんが私のこともう忘れた。もう大じょぶ。

the kiss of I would understand. at 7:42 AM .

zipperng
horror and gasps.
today is hari raya puasa..and i m in a festive mood? yeah right.
i m on my chocolate diet ..its really bad i guess.. but nvm carnitine.

so random. i thk carnitine sounds lieka crude name for an enzyme.
argh.. metab metab..

best fren.. no one msges me anymore.. ha at least not for unofficial business..

just turnsout that i ve plenty of official stuff tosettle..
ok i decided that iprob stay in dec..after all i need tostudy and i be super busy. i ll make a point to go home as much as i can. it be too troublesome to move everything out yeah.

i can t wait for dec to come.. and it doesnt seem one bit far.. cos weeks are flyin by me.. CA is comin.. it shouldnt mean much i guess.. but hell it means a lot..

i cant wait for xmas. even tho i prob be in sg and not some european wonderland. haha

man. i need a holiday.. not a one day one.. somethign like 4 mths.. man i have been reviewin this yr..its so wow..
emotionally rollercoasterlly..

geez. first it was enthusiasm..enlistment.. then it was dread.. then it was boredom..then it was hell..then heaven then hell agn.. and now.. back to sch..and soon exams... its so eventfully eventless..

ok the yr is far from the end btu lets see.. iserved 6 mths of ns.. feelin a big confusion and blurness.. went to church.. then hmm went to different units... went for multiple interviews..tried multiple jobs.. and then got int omedicine.. and then ..study med..entered a world of totally unfamiliar faces..and then..realise that i m the unfamiliar one.. and woosh..now i ve lots to study.. i went fro mone full circle..sch out of sch and back to sch..

this is the first yr where things werent certain.but then agn many things are meant to be.. and beyond our ctrl.

who wuld have tht i still be i n sg.. that i be in nus studyin med..

so for eevrything that is uncertain.. du nrush me into makin a decision.

hurt. cos it hurts.

the kiss of I would understand. at 2:46 AM .

no talent at all.
i feel alot better these days. tired as usual..pressure increasingl building up. but its all fine.
i wanna do really well.. in everything i do btu sometimes things are just not meant to be. everyday we let our standards slip by and eventualli we will be far from ideal and formulate dreams too distant.

swimming coachin is pretty fun.. yu qiang..joined us.. and he as kinda excited abt trg alr i thk. .so i feel really ahppy.. it ups my morale alot.. i mean trag a losing team is one thing.. btu trg a team who is not wllin to train is tough werk.. or rather its not that they are not wilin to train.. they jsut kinda cant finish an st u give them.. adn they keep findin excuse adn crampin.. ok not everyone has the psyche to push themselves and train.. eeryone has a diff pai nand mental threshold i guess.. but that sucks cos if u dun push ursel u ll neverget far.. thats the sad reality.. true there wil lalways be better than u.. but its all abt reducing the numebrs isnt it.. i guessi j ust hate losing.

i believethat i m a bad person a non trusting person in general. i alwasy suspect teh worst in pp andi fearppl are out there to do me in. i dunno i alwasy fee lthat everyone has an ulterior motive and i shuld watc hmy back. but i ugess there are reall ynice ppl out there..and i shud learn to apreciate..i kinda left the equipment at the pool after trg yest.. but well was lucky i manage to rush back intime to get it.. i tht i would be goi nback to get them lone. .btu when yu qiang ran all the way back.. i felt really liek wow.. thi is a great guy.. i was really touched. hmm i guessi shouldlearn to.. be more humble? itsn to that i feel suprios or wad.. ijust havet he tendency to not liek ppl..but yeah i see that soem ppl are not fake and are really that nice.. at times.. eebnt ho they are competitive and keep oni to themelves..
-
hais i guess i m just goin in circles abt wad i want to say. btu i thki make a lousy fren .. boy-fren .. son or wadeva..

but i m really glad yu qiang trains now.. eyah..i m sure he be better than me soon..

im exhausted.. i feel that i m not studyin things in depth i m not goin into specific orf trgs.. ineed to go get engorge in the details i guess.. surface mugging is not gd enuff..

mustnt be so easily satisfied.. i must push myself harder.

imust remind myself to be mroe tolerant to be less critical of others.. to be a better person everday..and to feel less irritable and easily aggigtatted, to be less impatient.. it sucks to be me really. i wish i could run away fro mmyself

it was raymond s b day yest. .ordered macs haha.. and they did the knockout hing on me.. deep breaths..stand up..chest compression andi was knocked out..ha took ten seconds for me to recover.. they video the whole thing.. andi had not memory of collapsin when i woke up.. the physiological reason is quite coo ltoo..see ur head needs co2 as a stimulus.. but yeah after takin multiple deep breaths.. u will hyperventilate.. haha then wehn u stand up more blodod wil lrush to ur head.. then eventualli the chest compressio nincrease ur breathing capacity..adn i knocked out onto the ground.. haha i was smilin thruout.. so freaky..adn later ater a few seconds of severe spasms thaen i came back conscious..the girls were freaked out haha.. coool stuff..and they said they never see me smile so happily b4.. haha i was smilin when i was unconscious..

wonder wad ran thru my head haha.. few things make me smile u know.

oh i was tryin ti convince kumaran o join swimmin and he said.. fren.. have u seen an indian swam in ur swimmin ccareer.. seriously indianns cant swim.. they can run but not swim.. haha waddde... ful of rubbish..ahah i told him yrah i wanna see an indian swim.. lol..

honestlyi used to joke abt that all the time.. tt it was quite mean..but to hear it from an indian himself..hahahtats a first.. i ve seen two indians swam i nmy life.. haha te first crammed.. the second.. hmm..ahha

andh e said if he goes down trg i must tell him the name of a girl in hall that i like mght like or use to like.. oh man.. haha
ath la.. i be happy to train him.. haha i saidi ll tell him if he goes down for trg..

haha i m nto the "affectionate item of many girls" pls. .. i have sucha dao and balck face.. and i eat dinenr alone.. haha stupid seniors.

the kiss of I would understand. at 12:09 AM .

if oni i can spend more time at home.
if oni weekends dun slip by s quickly
if oni i could spend time takin silly photos
if oni i could feell ike i finished a race everyday

but i finish a race everyday.
i do.

its just not a race without you

the kiss of I would understand. at 12:43 AM .

its 9 30. gasp sunday.
time really flies. i wish i could stay at home longer.. u know.

slept the whole of yest.. crap.. all cos i stayed up the whole fri night playin bridge.. was stupid.. had all my stuff in the study room,,tehn got a call for supepr.. decided to go but ended playin cards till 5 am! cos u kow when u haveoni 5 pl to play bridge its really hard to stop playin it means someone dun get to play.. hais.. and its my deck of cards..

ph wells.. i guess u thk i shuld learn to relax.. no need to stress.. study less hard.. but unlike most ppl.i fig i really have very little time alr.. and so i pushed.. actuali i didnt sleep on sat. .i went on studyin..feelin bad abt the whole fri night.. i mean the way we palyed.. it was as if it was orientation chalet agn.. haha..medicamp..

but yeah evenuali died at 10 pm.. ok time to study again..
i really miss home.. tho my room is totally used by my bro now.. sleeps on muy bed.. use my table as an extension of his earthly mess..bleagh

the kiss of I would understand. at 6:29 PM .

i want a sticky fren too. someone who wil lfollowme ard. someone who will care where i go what i do and everything. i dun liekthe feeli nof bein a loner. i dun care if i dunno anyone else in the wholesch. i jsut want one fren who will be mine.

words of a domineering ass.

and it was a bastardly thing to do.
sigh lots to study nth new. spent the night cheerin med frens on in intra hall capt ball..was a good time for laughin.. but yeah..helpedme take my mind off the fact thati feel that
1) i feel liek i m goin nowhere
2) i m achin like mad
3) i m incredibly lonely and missin
4) why am i doi nthis to myself

ha and yeah its medicine that rocks.. haha i guessitst time.. well wouldnt be the first that everyone in hall wil lview us differently..ha but eyah durin the games we awere just cheerin our faculty mates haha... it was funny.. even refering awas a tad bias towards our frens..ingeneral..med or not.

andso its human nature to be bias
its human nature to want to be loved.
to want to feel impt.
to want to win.

if only i waslesshuman.

the kiss of I would understand. at 8:12 AM .

a wikipedia medical education is what we all get.
i feel lazy to update.. i shuld be STuDyin .. but i m kinda spoilt for choice.. yeah not as if this makes aany sense.. but yeah this weeks marks the near end of metabolism.. the beginnin of cvs and graduation from limbs to thorax.. cool..

oh dun get it wrong i no way envy ppl who are in army.. in fact i like my life now.. i ve always liek the intellectual stimulation and all.. i du nstudy jsut whats teted yeah.. i like to find ut mroe and cmon smack me down with details.. i just well feeel the pressure..cso everything is goin really fast.. an i have so much t ocover and i keep sleepin in lectures.. i mean ireally cant pay attn.. i wun blame the lecturers for their accents.. their deadness their wadeva.. cos i mean its al u pt ome.. i knwo i m not a lecture tutorial person.. so yeah.. its just me yeah..

i lie trgand al now.. just that its kinda takin up alot of time now.. hmm so i m happy with my life really. or do i aound lie i m tryi nto convince myself.. haha oh well.. nick.
i thki shuld earlier cos muggin alte into the night is not useful at all..but it seems the oni way out.. for now.. cos i have too much in my hands.. haha

so whats new.. had a lot of visitors this week haha and a vip lol.. yeah ppl comin to borrow stuff and yeah a vip came to my room haha.. been coachin swimmin ..its quite fun la.. u know i used to be the one with the..rgh loo kon my face.. when i hear the sets..btu givin sets is different noe..haha u must believe in ur sets.. and encourage them.. the nicks.. haha its so ironic.. when ppl trin me.. i l lbe makin faces..adn now i feel like i m getti nthem back..

ooh and had a logn run jsut now.. a very long run btu nice route.. sigh but i nearly caused an accident.. i didn t lok at the trafficlight. .was abt to dash across at the jn..and this gold car jsut sped out of nowhere makin the corner.. sucks.. he horned like crazy i was alr on my toes.....my fren from behind caught up..adn was lucky he pulled me back.. damn heng own him one man.. imena thing was there was anot ther car comin clsoe behind.. and cos that car theat nearly ram me came to an immediate halt.. andscreech..the car behind had to do the same. .nearly caused an accident man.. i feel damn bad.. i would rather be dead than to cause an accident behind.. somehow the price would be much lesser.. maybe no price at all..

very close indeed.

varicosed. and perforatin veins.

the kiss of I would understand. at 6:36 AM .

Is this the New Year or just another night?
Is this the new fear or just another fright?
Is this the new tear or just another desperation?

Is this the finger or just another fist?
Is this the kingdom or just a hit n' miss?
A misdirection, most in all this desperation

Is this what they call freedom?
Is this what you call pain?
Is this what they call discontented fame?

It'll be a day like this one
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in

I'm singing this one like a broken piece of glass
From broken arms an' broken noses in the back
Is this the New Year or just another desperation?

You're pushing till you're shoving
You bend until you break
Till you stand on the broken fields where our fathers lay

It'll be a day like this one
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in

There's nothing here worth saving,
Is no one here at all?
Is there any net left that could break our fall?

It'll be a day like this one
When the sky falls down and the hungry and poor and deserted are found
Are you discontented? Have you been pushing hard?
Have you been through and down this broken house of cards?

It'll be a day like this one
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in

Is there nothing left now?
Nothing left to sing
Are there any left who haven't kissed the enemy?
Is this the New Year or just another desperation?

Just as I could find you, do the wicked never lose?
Is there any honest song to sing besides these blues?

And nothing is okay
Till the world caves in
Till the world caves in
Till the world caves in
Till the world caves in
Till the world caves in
Until the world caves in
Until the world caves in
Until the world caves in
Until the world caves in
Until the world caves in
Until the world caves in

the kiss of I would understand. at 1:50 AM .

and it would seem takin a break could be a sin on its own. but then again the re are standards we define that are not achievable for everyone and when we figure them out perhaps oni perhaps cavin in might mean bein less restricted.

and the haze gets in the way obstructing my view of the characteristic moon. woke up to a psi of 130 but nevertheless i went running .. and felt really weak and tired after that.. its kinda drainin i feel to run and not see much.. the haze isreally bad.. perhaps i shuld wake up b4 they burn the trees..

and its a perfect weekend wad more can i ask for. .to be home eatin mooncaekes with mym um and hang out with my old frens.. at jz hse to listen to the different course outr lives are takin us at this moment.. sinfully lavishing time chattin from 6 to ten plus.. nth can beat that man..

i wish the haze wil lgo away..but it seems like my life is pretty fogged up too..
no i m happy really. i jsut dun want anyone to push the panic button.

and its the iguina feelin..when u thk of hernias.

I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don’t believe it makes me real
I thought it’d be easy
But no one believes me
I meant all the things I said

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don’t know how it got so bad
Sometimes it’s so crazy
That nothing can save me
But it’s the only thing that I have

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

On my own

I tried to be perfect
It just wasn’t worth it
Nothing could ever be so wrong
It’s hard to believe me
It never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

the kiss of I would understand. at 8:45 AM .

and it would seem like i woke up with a new name. t onew names and everything so unfamiliar.
somewhere about a text where a coconut find its shores.
and how comei never hear u say or how come i never felt ths way.

to teh sounds of touchy chinese couples in a cold freezing room. where ure pretty sure hygience is in the mind. when inhalin reminds u of carpets present for years. wehre for once u knwo the existence of an immune system. when for once u duno anyone.

and this is whst a gd day would be. goin the distance..for 12 hours str..bein absolutel focused..once in a while u stop life for silly conversations to keep u alive. and u rmb that u re not exactly on an isand u havent been on for ur last nineteen years.. it jsut got smaller..smaller 5 days a week.

and to keep u alive...life is worked out in digits. in mechanical forms. there is jsut so much to doa nd so little energy. nope.
but life is restored when u push the white button.. and it takes so little..a phn ccall a msg.. from an old fren to remind u of the life u had. btu its different now. i m startin to feel stronger but weaker all at the same time. .braver but more afraid.

to get a call from mum.. to make it online to hear an old fren rant abt lecture.. to rmb that there are ppl fightin out there.. for me.. in my place and in battles much worst than my own is to rmb why i m here.. to jsut see ur face even in the digital format..time is a concept of man. i can beattime. i m beter than..it takes so little to find the meaning now.. i m so glad u re out there and well.. to all of u i na land i can oni imagine i m sure i m on one myself .. army frens classmates who are doin well i nother insitutes.. and sch mates.. and even overseas.. esp u.. to see u on skype.. eve nfor ten mins.. i know i dun have to sleep.

and sometimes i m not sure if i woke up.. cos every conversation wit hu peeps now seem lke a dream..but i need the assurance

and the weekends are here once agn. arent u scared.. time is slippin u so quickly. erhaps u will return soon... and perhaps we wil lall e fine by then.. btu til lthen i ll hold on. i need u more than u know. even if its a dream i cant differentiate frm reality i ll let it remain that way.

since u ve been gone
thats all u will ever hear me say.
and i wonder how i ll fee llike i was a cadaver with feelings.. bein proded all over.. at least i died a perpodeful deadth if anythign else.. at leasti m serving a purpose.. btu who would knwo what other purposes served me. wh ocan read my face now.

wh owould know me b4 my skin wrinkles..at a time when my heart was wrinkling.

the kiss of I would understand. at 1:38 AM .

the kiss of I would understand. at 4:44 AM .

ohs sittin in my newly arranged and packed room.. looks neat now. .so i m feeli nproud of myself.. its amazin how a little hsekeepin goes a long way. .sheesh comin from nick..the erm hm alien.

and u re abducted by aliens alr. right so i m into my last few hours of the week sem break.in a way..well more ways than one it really is back t ohell.. back to the incessant mugging.. feeli nreally tired and lonely and wel lwadeva.. yeah back to oblivion..ha
btu the hey the week was great. good break gave me a chance to catch up wit hmyself..

gave lots of tuition..today alone was more than a hundred bucks..so thats gd stuff.. didnt go church tho..but ohs.. sat was nie bi! yeah the event of the week.. btu it was really relaxin i felt darn short.. adn yeah didnt feel liek it was tirin at all..nosign of aches.. but yeah.itwas a really short race.. fun la.. i wanan knwo my timin.. i didnt felt i pushed very hard tho..prob ok maybe the runnin part..i didnt push..but cos half the tie i wasnt sure if i was runni nteh right way..was damn scared i l lget lsot teh road marshalls waere not very well spaced man.. it be a joke if i really got lost.. i was hopin ppl would overtake me soi knwoe where i was goi...oni towardsthe end i really ran cos oni then i was certain where the finishin was..yeah..wewere released in batches..

but yeah i loved it man.. trg..competitions.. having a team.. it feels great.. i dunno how to explain.. yeah but i m happy.. mon no trg.. bleagh but well i guess its off seasson and time to really focus on werk.. sigh i say that al lthe time btu i m stil lbloggin..btu i kindacant decide wdto study now..cos it seems liek there is so much .a.d ni have no clue wad t ostart with..ha spoilt for choice eh..

and it feels kinda odd now.. yeah u really are abducted.. jsut 5 mins of talkin onlien to yafen make s me super happy.. ha yeah really wish i could msg her for kicks or wadeva..but yeah its 20 p.. pence.. times three.. ha

well..yeah bleagh sch. again.. the thin yellow booklet stares at me.

home seems so dstant..i mean it is even tho im not in like uk..but pasir rs really is far away took bus 197 today..frm bedok..and climbed the slopes liekcrazy luggin my stuff.. i dunno ..long journeys get me thinkin.. thinkin abt a million and onestuff.. poor synapses.. but

eyah i cant help but fee lsometiems i dun come fro m this complex palce.. thereare so many people.. all or different polarities.. some ppl are in a rush and some ve nowhere togo.. so much emotions.. so much actions..so much.. u see ift he world is a spherical mug...u kinda feel it up ith all sorts or beverages.. andi cant but feel liek i m nto part of the drink. its the takin bus effect..and soemtimes airport effect. .btu u just wonder.. wad life really means.. what are we doin here.. why is everywhere so virtually alikeand different at the same time.. and when u thk abt it .. urealise u re oni in a small red dot.. the conceptual portion is immense.. GOD. man.. shrugs. what am i doin now.. what am i doin today.. what are u doi ntomorrow.. it has no connections but everything to dowith each other at the same time.. new cars old cars..new buildings old buildings.. memory triggerin events..palces.. fake memories..

hmm bus 197 goes from vs to vj to marine parade..bugis..it passes by tc and tct.. and it kinda..jsut makes me think abt alot of stuff. .how some events lead to many other.. and what might otherwise ve been.. it passes by katong too.. and i hear the voices in my head.. my own .the past.. and so on.. i feel really old alr.

and liek a virus.. i m here to create memories in a diff chaptere i na diff venue.. and one day when i pass by nus.. maybe in a car. i shall rmb feeli necxactly the same way i feel abt vj and marine parade..and so on.

full circle. a part of the edge.

the kiss of I would understand. at 6:11 AM .