ooh that was in ivy;s room haha she spread two pieces of bread for me.. ahha i dunno..ppl spreadin bread for me..makes me think of my mum.. sigh.. my mum. =) we talked from 11 t oalmost 3am.. haha hostel life.. lala.
and i relally didnt plan to come online.
sigh.. i tht i would do a lot of werk today..btu looks liek i was over ambitious agn.. i mean wh oam i kiddin..
the day started well ..woke up at 6 to run.. but then everything was downhill.. ha tht after runni ni would be refresehd to study.. nope..i went to sleep hah woke u pat gasp..11.. i m really not superhuman..yeah.. and then eyah went to find jinge for kunch and ended chit chattin til lit was almost time for tuition! givin tuition of cus.. then..yeah came bac.. planned t ostudy the night.. came back at nine alr.. time relaly has no mercy.. and i went online at abt 11 till.. hmm now..when i fee lmost awake and refreshed to study..screwd up body system man.. i m like half dead i nthe day.. i actual ifelt giddy duri nthe mornin run.. ok i havent had breakfast..but yeah..
the race is on sat early mornin 715!
hwo to get to ntu so early.. defn must stay overat nus.. bleah.. and must try to sleep early..
today's ru nwas bad badBAD... i felt so tired.. and pain.. couldnt open my stride at all.. my knees were feeli nall tehblow.. adn my shoes.. shti. .really lousy..no grip alr.. the pad oso like comin out.. i can feel my sole heatin up.. a lot or friciton.. sigh ok its nto a tri shoe.. die.. pls dun be sunny on sat!
but yeah life seems normal.. and i m feeli nvery happy now.. guess why. ha
ok yeah shall get back t ostudyin..
its my life.. its now or never (NEVER) .and i feel thastp p lhave been treati nme differently since i well got int omed..i dunno if its a gd thng..but hey i m still me. sigh. but its nice to be treated wit ha higher regard.. reminds u how prestigiosu and noble bein a doc is and yeah so on..he respect..tho i m not one yet.. btu yeah.. liek my uncles.. my fren's mums.. they be like and all my neighbours.. they start aski nme abt their physical pains..adn then later they be like.. wah so gd..emdicine..wah this and wah that.. and be really yeah...i mena it makes my mum very happy she gets all teh praises tellin her how lucky she is..
hais.. what if i du nmake it thru. ok. brush those thts aside. i will. becos i m who i am. and for no other reason i ll make it thru. andi m who i m becos of YOU.
the kiss of I would understand. at
9:45 AM
.
monday. first day of my mid sem break. well ok perhaps fri night was first day. but heck.
time flies eh.. all the anxiety felt liek yesterday..adn poof mid sem. liek a three quarters more b4 i becoem yr 2 and so on..and in between lots of stuff to graple with.
t osummarize my week would be mug train and werk. nto much of a hols. alto of time spent alone. time spent a lone is deadly for me now somehow.. i m feeli na bit schizo. haha.
btu anw been drownin in my own thts..
i was wonderin if breathing was allowed.. if it was normal.. onthursi was correctin ppl's strokes.. today my strokes were bein corrected.. 11 to 1..
oh wad have i done..agn. sigh. i guess its up to me to decide.
but this is not really a hols.. i m in hostel now cos i finish evenin trg..a bit late to rush home.. but yeah..there are actuali lots of localsard.. stayin in to mug.. more productive i guess.. hmm i m gonan find ppl to have supepr with tonight..
we always have ideals. 1) ideals principles that we stick to in live 2) ideally how much we need to do how far we need t ogo.. but wad the hell. ideally i elictedthe wrogn response from .
ideally i m fallin way behind how much i want to accomplish.
right so i have found grip i thk. i have found new purpose.. for now. at least. i m alright. yeah things arent that bad yet. i l lget there eventuali.
sigh i woke up thi mornin.. thinkin it was the hols..adn realised i have no one to call out. guys are in army.. juniors are havin As frens are either overseasor in other unis.. hmm..
but i have books and notes waitin for me. they call nick.
the kiss of I would understand. at
5:00 AM
.
hand in hand witha tummy ache. so far and so distant.
what might ube doin now. i wish could msg to ask. i wish i could care more. was lessselfish.
i wished i could. that u werent always so nice to me. that my inbox wsant full of oni ur msg.. even the one that says eatin mos burger?! i secretly wish u were at every corner i might turn. i cant believe jsut yest i shook ur hands..frm the desktop to the photodeck.
indeed u were a gift from God to everyone who ever knewu.
oh no.
the kiss of I would understand. at
1:24 AM
.
back fro mthe airport. nto exactly the right time. but matters not. i saw ur back.
and i ll rmb how i watched ur back all these years.. watch it go away. whenu reminded me we are under the same sky always.
it hasnt changed right.
remind ourseles how we mus treasure ppl we have when they are near us. for the day wil lcome when we will ve to let them go. if i had a chance to turn back time.. i ll never have made u unhappy.. not once. not at all. if i could i l lstill carry ur bac kacross sahara.. i need to be strong and happy for u. yes i believe taht its GOD;s plans for u.. everything thus far. i m happy for ya.
the small girl whose uniform was too big for her. ha whp swung her hands fro mside to side.. whose thick hair looked really funny..wh oreminded me that she had oni one doub;e eyelid..who..wrote so many letters words of encouragement to me..everysingle tiem i m afraid. every single time.. the oni person i didnt ve to feel so strong in front of.. the person who made everything funny// i remembered that when i was lost .. ialways asked.. wad yafen would do.. if she were in my shoes..
i m sorry..
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
the world never felt more lonely.
if i had t orun now.. i would.
the kiss of I would understand. at
11:03 PM
.
hais today is a happy sad day.
darn shuld be studyin.. screw the FA man..oops..
haiyo.. my treeyard is goin to UK tml.. its so far far away.
i m happy for her really.. she deserves it. .to do the course she likes.. and everything. go on and bring joy to thelives of so many more ppl.. yeah i know ah ya will do well. i m really happy for her.
so here is all the best! come back with that degree and tell me more abt mary marry and merry!
ok willkeep u in my prayers. always =)
the kiss of I would understand. at
7:28 AM
.
its a thursday. there is no chill. one more week to first sch vaccation. ifsrt test comin up on monday tho.. hmm
yeah aint no chill.. i tht uni might mean i could be hangin out with frens go town watch movies..slack.. but so far.. its nth but a const worry that i cant keep up with werk.. even when u are not sure what u shoudl study..its a cause of worry..
i guess there is a lot of stuff idun unserstand yet.. and it scares me. and i haventbeen as focused as i 'd like to be.. and my memory aint really gd.. i dunno.. maybe they are allexcessive worries..
but i guess kenny G helps. yeaj listenin ot hte old sounds of havana and tunes like i will always love u..and so on..=) i love jazz.. sigh wish i could play hte sax.. and do many things right nick.
i cant deny that my mind stil lwants t odo many things.. go diving.. go cmbodia.. go bagpack go china.. go do more ccas..
but all i can think abt now.. is .. wad is gonna happne. tml.. next week, next two weeks next yr.. everything might jsut change.. will i ever knwo who i am..
erasing every bit of familiarity.. i wish i could take timeoff. cos a rational decision is oni made when one is allowed to be rational right? i want xmas. its the nicest feelin i can hope for now.
killin me softly.
but i mstil hopeful. happy where i m.. its where i always wanted to be. i jsut have to do well. yeah i ll cheer up if its the last thing i need to do.
the kiss of I would understand. at
5:31 AM
.
i always tht photos cheer ppl up. they do. but guess i m just really sad now.
ben readin up on lumbar fibrosis. and so on..
life can be cruel a i guess and faith is not a sure thing for me thus far. btu i went to the church today after a somewhat long hiatus. i really shouldbnt be bloggin now there are stuff to read up tutorial to do roo mto pack..need to bathe.. hell.
but i guess goin home..watchin the useless old man bein totally ignorant abt ath..complanin that he cant watch tv cos my bro is havi nhis prelims.. and so on.. and jsut sittin on the bench thinkin solely abt himself in every possible way. it aches.
i wish i can do more. man. i could lose myslefi n my text books.
are u testin me? i dunno.. thankfully i got anotther student ..sorta.. but exam period comin..and soon they will all stop for the hols.. hmm i was afraid of goin back to churhc.. icant imagine..jumpinandpraisin.. the lord today.. i know its the wrong attitude.. but i guess i nv had the right attitude. but when they played fro mthe inside out. .i was really relieved...cos i was hopin that they will play it in the mornin,,its one of those songs that i fee llalot beter after hearin..
eyah i shuld try to cher up and be positive..and not affect everyone ard me.. med bal lphotos arent nice.. but nv mind.. maybe i ll post them anyhow..
and yeah i m not gona lose my faith this time. no matter wad hits.
no matter what.. and if a spinal cord has to be ruined..if a leg has to be lost ..if anything at all.. take mine. please.
and no matter wat i ll stand there. i wish i didnt ve to feel like cryin. i wish i was stronger and s omuch more. i wish i was a better son. i wish i can always make u proud. i swear i ll.
the week is gonna feel worse. 7 more days.
the kiss of I would understand. at
6:36 AM
.
and my fav song for now.
Too many voices, it won't take long
Which one's right, and which one's wrong
And yours is most likely to be misunderstood
Screaming in tongues
At the top of my lungs
Til I find you, til you found me
And somehow I always knew that you would
And I am contemplating matters
All this cling and clatter
In my head, and what you said
Is ringing, ringing faster
And it's all good if you would
Stop the world from making sense
And if I could just realize
It doesn't really matter
Doesn't really matter
Doesn't really matter
If I could touch
The sound of silence now
You know I would if I knew how
To make these intentions come around
I'm hearing without listening
And believing every word
That you're not saying
Speaking without a sound
And I am contemplating matters
All this cling and clatter
In my head, and what you said
Is ringing, ringing faster
And it's all good if you would
Stop the world from making sense
And if I could just realize
It doesn't really matter
Doesn't really matter
Doesn't really matter
Trapped inside of these four walls
Walking brainless muppet dolls
Mushroom face beneath the tangles
Bleeding silhouette inside
Dancing like an angel would
And it's all good if you would
Stop the world from making sense
And if I could just realize
It doesn't really matter
Doesn't really matter
Doesn't really matter
And it's all good if you would
Stop the world from making sense
And if I could just realize
It doesn't really matter
Doesn't really matter
All this cling and clatter
the kiss of I would understand. at
3:04 AM
.
and there are nights whe n ineed someoen to be with me.
i wished i was more than what i can be. more than the cling and clatter in my life..
wish i didnt ve to hide behind who i m not.
lumbar fibrosis... prob sth that will reqd surgery.
my mum is goin for x ray tml to confirm .. nad so on..she stil lwent to werk to day brt the kids to pierce reervoir..and climbed slopes till she can barely walk on..
anger and tears arent suppsoed to werk together.
the kiss of I would understand. at
8:16 AM
.
u have t otake larger strides mr. in life in races in everything u do.. no time to look back. right?
i love u more than u ever will know.. wah lau i was singin my fav lifehse in the toilet and someone shush me.. i m so disasppointed! hais my muscles are all strained i thk.. and yeah my hip joint feels really weird.. i guess iw as never cut out for spritns.. bleh..actuapli i m starti nto dislike road relay trg.. haiyo its really tiring.. and competitive.. ok maybe its jsut me.. i hate to be last..
hais mum has slipped disc.. most prob acc to the doc.. its bad u know..she may not listen but i have been studyin nerves till i wanna vomit.. all the names are so close sso hard t ormb,..but yeah i thk i m getti nfine...mugge alot today..gd progress mr nick..
hais but its so hard to convince my mum ..she wil lgo on abt how can she possibly stopped werki nor doi nthe laundry..and my bro has its o's this yr.. hais.. i dunno wad to do.. i keep ..i worry abt the worst u know..
what if one day eveyrone leaves me.
rabit cytoplasm.
hais.
for now i wanna get lost inthe lenght of ur hair.
the kiss of I would understand. at
9:43 AM
.
listenin to classicals now.. hmm cos its the oni availabkle playlist.. but its cool stuff.. jsut had hall dinner.. will comtemplate runnn later.. anw ponend trg and did quite a lotof muggin today,..tho not sure how effective it really was but at least got a bit of progress la. hais so tired nowadays..
days just pass with so many things on my head hardly can thk or breathe.. feel liek i m in a total different life. detached fro mthe rest of the world. .i jsut wanna go to my roo m and hide. sigh i wish things were all different.. wish i didnt have to wish so much.
technical details. .jsut had ,ed bal lover weekends formal dinenr just now. .and yeah crazy jugglin of schedule.
slept in lectures agn liek wads new. sigh.
but i m realyl pushin i thk.. i never tht i listen to anyone for more than ten mins..
i fear the worst.
the kiss of I would understand. at
6:43 AM
.
endorphins is a funny thing. it makes u hapy for no reason at all..but u can jsut smile to urself and feel gd..haha i think i lak discipline.. jsut had super withthe med pplagn after roadrelay trg.. it was quite nice..yeah but my knees are dyin once agn..likewads new.. argh..the cartilage needs time to heal..heh but at least got yu qiang ther..i wascontemplatin whether to ru nor not ..cos i relaly need time to figure out my forearm muscles.. but thanks to yu qiang he tht me the method this prof tht us.,..but eh was very soft andi couldnt really hear him when i crased his lect tuday..andi feel really happy
and my interval timings are nto bad..for now la.. ha haiyo but mustadmit i felt really faint duringt he sets..signs of low sugar and lack of slp.. heh.
and life is always liddat..or rather studyin there are alwasy lots of secrets..i mean liek we are all gonna be med students..and all btu still there are things like.. luckier ppl who get beter profs and everyone rushin to crash the lectures.. jsut like how muggin alway have secret notes that ppl may not share with .. i mean..haiyo in a sense its qutie unfair right..resources shuld be equal..hais but hten there are always profs and tchas that are mroe dedicated then pthers..its lalabt luck..and makin gd use of opportunities when they arise.. liek taki nthe initiative to crash lects and all.ha..yeah but oh well i m happy that i caught on.. prof koon really is superb.. guess eeverthing hjas a wa to be muggd or commited tomemory.. jsuthave tofigure it out.. eh
and once agn studyi nanatomy leaves us in awe..i mean it shuld..man liek to th knth is too hard for them.. to comprehend to fathom and so on..but well thk agn.. have u tht y we are the way we are.. how superb the body is created and all.. praise God...
hmm so much brillancein this world du nbelong to man..
there is no need forpride.
once agn..
oh and yeah happy tchas;s day.s iwoudl really liek to than kall the ownderfu ktchas who havemade huge differences in my life.. i havealways been oh so lucky.. really.. i dunn oif i deserve so much of all that i m.. but i know that tchas have made much in my life possible..the great tchas..
ha my bro wished me happy tchas day.. thats a first..
ohhaha the team singlet is quite..funny btu yeah..it says
how far more to go.. why am i doin this will i reach the end.. wil li et to a higher level..what is my limit.. why do i endure all htese.. haha it be cool when someone runni nbehind u read it.. haha..yueah
and why am i doi nthis.. hais. i need time time.. i m so hard pressed for time..but thats not true.. its there.. i jsut need mroe disxipline.esp if i wanna juggle so many things.. impossible is nth,.,yeah
oh hq crashed my room lastnight.. i felt quite bad.thk i wasnt a good host haha..haiyo..but haha at the very least he sees how hall is like..haha right..
ok its late 2 am.. bleh.
the kiss of I would understand. at
9:20 AM
.
