Sunday, June 11, 2006
my slippers are real cool! funky
haha ohana lilo and stitch.my bro watched the show ten times i think. he thinks its really nice. sigh i had a long entry yesterday abt the camp livingstones camp but my comp my net cranked up and i dint managet opost. so sadi stayed up till late to complete it but it just argh. haha cant remember my thts alr i guess.
tuition was fine. sigh children can be really lazy bummers. was i different? hmm no leh i loved studying always. i hated exams yeah but i loved studyin maybe cos i really liked the subjects i did. and for thosei dun like (dun ve la) maybe like art? haha but art was oni a bit in lower sec? i dunno i think interest plays a huge part. i liked studyin chinese but i was no good at it and i didnt liek memorising so i guess my chn aint good still tho resutls say otherwise. which reminds me that sometimes we dun always get to do what we want or like to we must know what we have to. yeah. children thedse days ok i have a soft spot for them. im not a meanie tutor and apparently news have spread that i m a very good tutor been gettin more and more calls. the agencies said that my customers have all given very good feedback abt me. so i m really pleased. praise the LORd i ll attribute everything to HIM. yeahbut these children help them, they are lazy. ok maybe i wun be able to understand but whats with rushin dashin to the computer the moment the lesson is over so they can start gaming. hais m i taht different? i never NEVER got gaming. like wads so fun sittin in front of teh comp? pressing a few buttons. i oni chat online if i could i would call the person out. i rather talk to ppl. go out take trips. sigh why stare at a screen? and let it tell ur mind wad to do? its like living in an artificial world. well almost. sigh if i m that good tutrp u claim i mto ur parents then y cant u are listen to me. and stop dreading it when i ask u to do more werk? tsk. ok enuff ranting. hais if i was that good, i should teach my brother right. after all everything that i earns goes to supporting his tuition fees. haiyoeven so its not enuff. his expenditure is much more. the irony is i dunno iu cant teach my own bro it feels so different.
number one i cant ask him what he is doing? he feels like i m what? checkin on him? number two even if i tried sometimes i cant acept why he is so much slower why he cant grasp things that are like snap snap fingers to me. but i can overcome that. i try my best not t oyel lat him or frighten him he is my bro afterall. numebr thre i can sense he feels inferoor whenever i teach him. its not easy really. my mum always tho not intentionally but says things liek u re nto like ur bro. told u not to do trip science blah blah..which is really not productive remarks. hais it all seems silly and stupid reasons but they are so real. the soln of spending 1000 plus elsewhere a month to help him is a hefty price. but not everything is so str forward. i cant jsut grit my teeth and ok coem here take out all ur werk. tellin him to do stuff is alr quite difficult. i dun even know wad to say when he decides du nwant la let me do this first. and when i tell him wad to do tell him to try to understand he says things liek nvm la this type one mark oni or sth lidat. its so so difficult. the problem with most children who are struggling is that they are too lazy to flex their cranial muscles. its as if doing so will hurt them. when the yare stumped they ratherstay stumped. move on. i need to gel my hair play my comp listen to music watch tv.
i wasnt a geek. yeah no way but i never did any of the above in my academic yrs. i had no interestin in tv or comp games. i chatted a lot onlien durin the hols. i never bothered with my hair. i hated the smell of wadeva u apply. i thk natural is best. maybe its cos pp ltell mi i m gd lookin all teh time. oops jsut kidding but i do get it alot. i think u are gd lookin when u know what u are doing. hais thousand dolalr soln til lthe end of this yr i guess. honestly i think all his outside tuition are not effective either. i du nreally want to comment but yeah it really is up to the individual when it comes to studying. i dunno. during my sch yrs i nv had time i was always super busy with so many so many activities. i dint have the free time like these ppl. its sad really. when wil lthey realise?
but it made me think al ot abt myself adn alot abt the three days church camp.i always felt no one would understand. yeah i returned from three days of network camp. hmm i never tht i would go for a church camp. when i went for the camp i wasnt sure wad i was up for. i dunno i dint exactly want to socialise. i never tht i would go back to church in the last 5 yrs. i was running away from GOD i guess. ifelt no one underdstood me at all. that i dun care even if there was gOD. i dint want to know why i m living anymore. i wish i wasnt eveyrday. i just told myself that i ll keep achieving . resutls meant eveyrthing. i needed tohog the limelight i felt i needed toplease everyone. i made frens becos i had to. i could nv get the girl i liked but it jsut made me feel angry all the time i was so angry. everyday. i had a lot of pride .i couldnt accept many things. that i cant be a pilot. when i couldnt go ocs, there was not even a straw for me to hold on. i almost wanted to sign on with the navy. i just felt that i was going no where.o h so what who knows? who understands ok my frens know. my close frens know. but they du nunderstand why i feel that way. i guess. and in army it feels worse. poly students or i felt that goint ochurch wad would anyone know? cmon they know meh how i feel that i needed to execel as much as i needed air to breathe. i had to run faster swim faster. i couldnt take it when pp lwere better than me. i was always jealous of everything even tho many wouldnt understnad. they wil lthink i m crazy if i felt lousy abt myself. to my relatives, myeveryone no one knows ath. it started with a deal. i told GOD jsut for fun and cynically, u should u atre there make me pul lthru my firld camp, i ll go back to church. andi didand he gave me the strength to do all my route marches even the 24 k one i nwhoch by the 12 k i was limping agn. route marches fast marches are really strengthnous exercise. for me i m carryi nhalf my weight almost. and i pulled thru. it was hard to believe. it make me ask if there was a limit to the human spirit. the limit is really ur faith. ur mental strength from which GOD gives. and the icing on the cake was when i passedm ysoc test. it was the one thing that cost me. and i asked GOD for strength when at one point i could ntake it. he helped me glide thru the rest of it. i felt the extra energy all of a sudden . i got up and fought back. i apssed my soc with half a leg. i relied totall on one knee. jumped of everything with my gd leg.and on recrutis night he made me feel the presence of my self worth. He said that glories adn achivements are always personal. they need not be recongnise by the world always. as long as u know wad u have overcome and feel proud of urself there was no need for anyone else to give u recognition. ur frens wil lbe wth u anw. they do not need u to wear a mask.
going back to church was really a shaky experiene cell was the last thing i saw myself doing. i was frightened. of the messages joshua were sending me. but he was someone i realyl respected. he seem so confident that there really is nth to worry abt at all in life. just pray just pray. made everything sound so simple. i was weary. but i looked up to him. army man. and during the camp he prayed the nicest prayer for mi. he told me not to doubt anymoee to stop running away but run towards god. jpshua said eveyrthing i needed to hear.
we are all so different and it dint matter to me for the first time. i ve always been prejudice towards aothers. it mattered where they schooled to me. but not anymore. their achievements are greater and less than u on the same day. and it has nth to do with u. we were split teh cells. it was random and i was afraid i didnt want to talk to ppl. for the first time i felt shy in front of girls. haha. thats realyl sth new for nick. but i was realyl thankful when jeremy told me we were i nthe same grp. he was my leader. jeremy is truly a man of GOD. he understands everyone so well. esp me. he knows eveyrthing and prob has gone thru more than wadi have adn everything i have.his prayers always speak my mind.it waseasy to tell him wad i worried abt. it was fun hanging out with jeremy. a really cool dude. from vj of cos. ha i hope i be his junior soon. yeah but beyond that he nv worried he is always so calm. and willing to listen to ppl. he wil lno doubt make a good doctor.
thru the psalms GOd has shown me that he created everything in this world. of cos i m a bio student. i love bio. even as i lament the amt there is to commit to memory it ust makes m e think how perfect all these every single life processis. bio has always been my fav sub jbio and maths . god created maths. i liek to think he decides when the human race progress. when it is time for new discoveries to be made. and someone with a willing heart will contribute to mankind. whne heddecided it was time for antibioties to be discovered he chose alexander. yeah evrythingis by GOD. how could i be so foolish to thin kmy problems my heart is too complex for him to grasp. he prob knew long ago that i ll dread army life anw and goin ocs was nto gd for me. HE prob knwos wads best for me. when he helped me enter med sch. i could feel he was there .thruout the interviews he spoke to me and guided my answers. nth intimidated me. th othe odds of ebtering were so low he helped me pul thru it.i m grateful. i promise to study so hard and be a healer. to be a great doctor one day. i will heal body and minds.
ill be a sin fighter. and seek him.whenever i m in doubt now. the camp make me realsie why i do many things i used to do. and that it was wrong. some rely on chariots and horses but we trust in god. yeah i l lrely on my abilities. he has blessed me with intellect i ll remain hardworking and trust HIm for opportunities.
oh on the side note edgar gave me a scare. pneumothoraic. lungs leakage and sudden collapse. eh was rushed to the hosp for sugery i was so frightened. ha btu he was all laughing hhwne i visited him. yeah he had 23 visitors! oh man. btu yeah it was a no joke condition. tho he prob wun die. spontaneous pneumothoraic is fine but if pnuemo thoraic occurs by accident or injury then its dangerous. coswhen air leakes to the outside everybreath u take wil lkill ur other lung. but if it occurs spontaneously inside u ll stil lahve one lung and can be fixed. jeremy explained to me. but nevertheless cahcnes of recurrance exist and yeah he prob cant do physcial activities anymore. hmm
its back to real life. i nv tht i be in a church camp. i used to snigger at groups of church campers runnin all ard public places. i said go study du nwaste ur time. haha but i was in one. i think my angels are enjoyin a good laugh now. a sign that u ahve enjoyed is when u are wishy washy abt returning and tring to adjust back to reality. to understnad that oh man im back camp's over. liek going o na long tour esp to japan. but amw i m ready for ath. now.
back to real life. schedule is pretty bad now. tuition and all. i want to go to church. i feel squeezed like a sardine in a can.
the kiss of I would understand. at
