Onaji sora shita

Hey peeps i ve moved. ask me for my new ad... yeah if u think i ll give it to you.
try me. i m nice.

bet ur oculomotors are stimulated alr. its called rollin ur eyes.

the kiss of I would understand. at 4:49 AM .

i havent been here in years. i plan to return but maybe when i dunno life gets more spice.

nope not goin to happen i m still going to be ranting.

today was valentine.. seein today sis no longer today and seein how i ve learnt to add an additional 12 hrs to each day.
its amazin relaly.. i have added more hours to a i mean my days.. but but.. it means lower productivity.. bigger mess and sleepier nick.. with a bit of ptosis.. droopy eyelids

in any case lets see where i m sandin now eh..
i dunno iseem to have make pulling outof my cca a sport lately.. i ve been pullin out and not givin ath hndred percent..
stil ljugglin alto but with a lot less discipline and slack.. which is really a bad thing.. i m startin to fee lworried..

its that period where exams are here.. med stress is buildin up..minus the i m nto really feeli nthe stress part.. i dunno why.. i m scared i cant go on hols.. retain or wadeva.. yeah those fears are stil lvery much latent..

but i have become distracted.. findin all excuse at takin breaks.. i m less mtivated to run to lean to read to mocve my ass to the study room..

i feel frenless and lonely most of the time liek no one understand me.. i m nto enjoyin ath i m doin.. esp my weekends.. i m takin way more naps.. wathcin way too may serials with uninhibition.. i feel liek i m spinnin out of ctrl.. i m not even exactly enjoyin the learnin of the new lang..

ther eare of cos two ways t olook at it.. i can be realyl hard on myself(in the case its really prefered)
the other i can be honest.. who am i kiddin.. lessons for bahasa are really at insaen pace.. med really reqds every ounce of impossible human ability.. i m fallin sick.. i need alife.. n oharm watchin u tube every now and then.. cmon doin well now.. doesnt mean ..

yada yada.. i spend too much time online.. btu my interaction with humans is almost nil..
i feel so bitter easily these days..

and yes today is vday. an i did everythign alone.. so unlike me.. one point ot the home team that understands..
i m quite amazed.. am i cahngin or is that the right diagnosis?

i know m life is not screwed up yet.. i mean its almost perfect if u look at it fro mthe outside.. hell i look at other;s and i thk to myself.. shessh i wouldnt want to be u.. but i dun want to b me either..

doomed to thi life of misery and deprssion..esp with cny approachin..oh hello relatives is there any way i can escape u..
all of u.. shessh. i thk i ll never be happy..

is it cos i need osmeone to fil lteh void.. need a gf? need a fan club?
eh i dunno. i thk i need a bigger room but either way i be just as disorganized.. and mess up.. buti need a bigger room to walk abt take afew strolls up and down the isle before the names ofa ll12 cranial nerves register. ther eare twelve right.. o kjsut checkin..

di need to treat ppl beter? no way i thk i m nice alr.. aybe i m abit too sensitive btu what he hell.. i feel used in 90 percent of my relationships..l iek ppl oni look for me when they need help..and when there is fun to be shared.. oh count nick out.. i mean no one even wished me happy vdday today.. without me initiatin.. well of cos the qn is agn.. well why cant u initiate first.. or worse.. does it really matter if no one cares.. cant u live ur own life.. do u ve to be affeted by other.. my mum prob thks hey u know son.. u be much better off than where u re if u didnt spend all ur time findin faults with the little things in life..

hmm right but hte little things make us who we are.. eew cliche.. no no no.. i get it nick.. u want to be the center of attraction.. u wished ppl worship u.. isnt that so?>

no.. no i dun i just wished pp lopenly cared more.. honest. i wlk that empty street on the boulevard of broken... its like.. gd if u do well lucky ass. . not surprisin.. and oh u re screwed if u dun..
scenario.. what if i fail .. u knwo just totally do badly.. screw up. .i thk i ll have no more frens alr.. and they say if thats the case then u have no real frens.. point proven case close.

ah at last just let me die please.. there is no better scenario mummy.. i m either here or dyin somewhere else.. i l lbuy glens theory if not for army i ll be overseas.and that in itself is a very sensitive issue.. i wanna play the survivor game.. be trapped on an island and thats not the thing.. make sure everyone starts with zero score.. meanin no one knows each otehr b4 that.. gdness with such arguments i can make myselfa genetist with string of qualifications to my name..

and then brag abt how i spent vday on this very day.

the kiss of I would understand. at 9:38 AM .

u really elastic or wad.

ok moving back to hall tml.. got sports com duty late at night summore.. really official alr.. unofficial but yeah back to sch. grrr
life as per normal..

ok yest and today was officially one of my better days this hols.. went out to watch movie.. hang out..sigh... sat will be a tuition packed day.. 10am to 5 pm

and u tht u would want to lead my life. ok nick stop complainin..wads this..

gonna hit two decades soon.. i dun feel very much mature.. maybe i havent.. maybe i stil ldo the same old darn stupid things that make ppl upset. i guessi really suck

i wanango back to vj u know.. and just imagine picture myself as a student.. in his uniform.. ha wearin so many badges.. but cant seem to kee the shirt tucked in.. ok thats actual imy class mate not me.

sittin at the back of the class.. laughin really loudly.. singing. .part bitchin..guffawiin.. wavinand sayin hi to everybody.

that kinda security u get when u re in sch.. with a uniform..it feels purposeful.. ha.. wad crap.

i thki m better off waiti nfor my south park videos to finish downloadin..b4 sleepin..

jsut shoot me.

the kiss of I would understand. at 7:48 AM .

a perfect morning for cold play. the scientist.
morning as in wee hrs morning as always.

i keep seeing u in my dreams and u seem to be warning me of what i m abt to do but i never listen. i never. how does it feel like to be on the otherside of the world..

yeah thats all i can do.
i m not being condescending but imust say that in m impressed in a way i never tht so.. i asked my fren if she ever tht of me as a gd fren or jsut someone who makes other sad all teh time.. u know drown them as he washes his sorrow over them.. she actuali said i give gd advice.. i m very helpful..

i give gd advice eh.. but i never used them myself then i guess..i m imoressed by my best uddy..ha army reallly makes u wiser smaerter and mroe a man i guess.. i never tht of him as someone so wise so serious b4.. but yeah he is gettin more impressive each day haha...hanqun. army makes u smart..haha "at least do a gd job" "give a gd chase" "y u so jue" and yeah tellin me not to .. i must say i m impressed and the biz discussion today was really wow.. haha

thsi is wad the world does t ou i gues.. u thk u re in a train carriage oni to realsie u have no wheelss.. coal..

the thing is i m not sure why i did what i did.. th ki m losin it.

but anw wads new.. story of my life..

since we are all on the topic of love money and marriage..
once agn hq pointed out that ..well lets look at our fam.. pretty much in shambles.. our parents.. makesu thk twice abt marriage doesnt it..

parents dun share the same bed anymore.. one comes home too late cos of wek..dun want t odisturb the other.. both parties struggle hard to make ends meet.. each sees oni the snow in their lawn the struggles with raising the children vs the struggles at werk.. the ego and heated debates involved.. the fights and the chillo uts.. the forgotten but unforgiven.. andwe put our thumbs and bite them..we move on out of choice and duty..

parents separated by distances.. werkin in diff countries.. when loneliness sets in..and followed by depression... when the constant dissatisfaction leads to search for satissfaction elsewhere.. ur grass is always greener than mine

when there isnt cash t oflow abt.. so isnt it true.. money is the key to hapiness.. the key to a happy future. money is everythng.. no ..of cos not. .we al lknwo that money has its own set of problems all tgt.. but since life is human i ll rather suffer poor and its not a choice really if u thk abt it..

i want the plan to take off.. its not wealth i m after.. its much more.. its the weightlessness and the power. it is really true money as caused all the unhappiness i ve seen in the world..and really often itis the lack of it.. of cos there are ppl who never knew wealth and they grew up loving and happy.. btu not us.. while we may not be the bottom of the worlds poverty stats.. we are teh victims..cos we are no where.

hail the const need to impress. hail the fact that no one will evwer look down on me. if i do well.. which i will i will be most discussed most remembered ..most ... i m straying.

the adrenaline can really kick in. and may death be the oni thing that saves.

the kiss of I would understand. at 9:16 AM .

well happy new yr. 2007.
haha and my bday would be 27-07-2007

pretty cool. alright so its first of jan already. whoa sch will start in a week. ihg less than that. bought this blue pad for my lap top. makes typn kinda harder tho.. hmm.. ut oh well..its for protection..my palmaris longus feels weird..

a pretty meaning ful countdown. i kissed my mum and put her to bed. i wonder how many of such chances i l lhave left.. joke with her make her laugh. i figured i can make everyone laugh.. i can easily entertain a grp of frens.. but my mum prob deserves it more.

there u go joke abt everything.. abt how my dad once got upset that a kanaji was spat into his fried rice.. and laugh at his terrible english.. as he tries to converse with an old "fren"

i wouldnt ask for ath more. just to be at home.. accompany my mum. see that she doesnt get upset for one day.. i would give the world.

but reality is a whole lot more frustrating.
it is.
i was this angry kid. at 10 yrs old. i remember clearly still how this yellow container was flung at me. i damned the man. all i could wish for was his death. the container hit my head. was crying. the man was angry cos things didnt go his way. cos he thinks God is the person who do u favours if u re nice to her. but thats not god. ha far from it. it was my evil aunt. the one who bullys my mum.. somewhere in the recesses of his childish mind.. was that if oni he could please my aunt.. he may someday be able to get her to help him out.. sell him her sports car.. at cheaper price.. old fool.. why would someone like my aunt do that.. she thought so highly of herself..independent woman..two divorces.. high manager salary..big mnc firm.. seriously .. ididnt knwo what the man was thinking. she looked at him as though.as though he was a fly waiting oni to be squashed. .. that was when i realsied that man..my father.. was a goner. .

i loathed him. a man who compares his eldest son to every kid in the neighbourhood. oh i m not sporty enuff.. oh so and so is so independent i stil lahve to take the sch bus.. oh other kids are cuter learnt faster.. more adorable. .more polite.. if i messed his stuff its..whack whack.. if it was the girl on my level..i rmb her bro smashed his 200 racket which he wouldnt even let me touch.. andhe was all soft with the neighbours.. oh its alrite.. they are oni kids.. no need to pay la.. children are like that.. so cute.. he needed to be mr nice guy in front of everyone.. except me.

he made me hate myself hate the world.. i forced myself to learnt everything. he really was oni a small fly.. i may have been ten yrs old but i wasnt blind. i vowed never to be like him. that whatever he does.. i ll do different.. that i ll learn eveything on my own..push myself and excel..

when my mum returned home from werk found me cryin in pain in the corner of the hse.. she ..u can oni imagine wad she did to him.

well.. its been more than a decade hasnt it. tables turn. the cute neighbourhood kids.. cant even be bothered to greet him now.. people change and he feels left behind.. as far as i know.. he is oni my biological father. he is as dead to me as.. my mum brt me up. kept me sane. she doesnt know how angry it is to be me. but anyway,.. he suffered alot. her health everything.. ppl frens come and go in our lives..most of them leave.. i made sure i do well. sch was the oni way to get a grip. one day ill turn my back on these ppl..shuld they come begging me for help.

but education changes u. i do realsied that its not the way. i shuld help these ppl. these poor souls.. ppl like my dad who will never know wad went wrong and wad was missin intheir lives.. my relatives who live in a well. one day i m going to graduate a doc.. and i swear i ll graduate well. i l ldo it for my mum. and my old man. thins have changed so damn much. i feel almost celebrated.

a couple of yrs back all i would have wanted was revenge.. revenge for every single pain these pp have caused me. for all the times they looked down on me. .wit htheir wry smart remarks. i tht i ll want to make them pay. but now i want to hel pthem.
perhaps they can never see where they ve gone wrong.

and i know where t ostart.

becos at this moment i see my dad in my bro. exact replica.
my mum and i know it .
its slightly worst. my dadwas born with polio.. but he had guts. he dared everything..swimmin ride motorbike.. played badminton..he spent his whole life tryin to prove himself. he is talented relli..just lazy.. when it coems t ostudies.. he had the chance he blew it. .. i believe he isa gd man. he jsut doenst know how to love his kids..or rahtherwhere his heart's priorities shuld be. cos even tho he behaves lieka real jerk most of the time.. the way he talks.. the way he treats me.. he works so hard.. two jobs ..for.. me ..my fam i guess.. alright other than the fact that he supports his lifestyle of gambling bad debts and so on.. but still its fair to say he wanted nth but the best for me.

my bro tho. really is a lot less talented. intelligence wise.. really lackin. i can say this cos i grew up with him.. and u know certain things.. he is a really slow learner. very honest guy. happy most of the time. .much happier than myself. simple.
btu he is very lazy. afraid to werk. And he accepts failure too easily.. one moment he can be ver y upset that he hasn’t doen well.the next he is percfectly fine with it. I guess I ll give ath to be like him in this aspect cos when I dun do well.. I really thrash myself..

he is very immature. He wants to buy alotof things…they say its oni natural when siblings compare.. like when I have a lap top..when I buy shirts.. I mean cmon I need shirts..to go hosp and so on.. I have been wearin oni one shirt for all the hosp visits and interviews.. btu my bro.. I dunno he wants everything I have..and he will use it to .. he wlll say thngs like he will compare… and thks that he is treated less importantly or unfair.. im ean that’s pretty natural for siblings.. but he shuld really look at reality. Wad is needed and not.. if u want to compare.. really why dun u compare grades.. he puts pressure on my mum all the tiem to buy him stuff.. I gues bein the youngest doesn’t give u the right to get ur way.. but well..my mum is truly saddened.. all his frens can at leas tmake it to jc.. prelim results.. its almost as if he desnt care.,.the fact that he has tuition for every subject.. he fact that all the money I earn goes to payin for his tuiton.. its time he wisened up really.. u can just spend 50 dollars a day or 160 on a shirt without blikin an eye.. we dun come fro mthatkind of family.. u know wad dad werk as..

my dad often recounted how he made his mum buy him a pair of levis.. when sheearned 60 cents an hr scrubbin laundry.. its like the y are exactly the same..he tells us how he regrets it till this day…and how he sees himself in my bro..

what will the new yr be like..
end of yr one.. .. must d omy best.. move on to yr 2..
guys my batch will ord..
bro will start poly.. currently teachin 4 students..yadayada…

I feel insecure.. so many wad ifs in my head. Will dad lose his head. Become senile..quarel with everyne get fired.. lose his job.. will mum;s health see her through.. will yafen changed a lot when she returns.. what do I say.. will old frens still bother with each other.. who will I be next yr? can I?

Uncertain 27.

the kiss of I would understand. at 9:51 PM .

i erm.. do realise that
the year is ending once again. party of the year or not.. new yr;s day coems every yr. i stand in shock now. and somwhat speechless too. i guess dreams reflect our inner thts and desires and worries and stress.. if that is so, i knwo exactly what i ll be screamin if i sleep talk.

i wun actually be screaming.. but i ll see the tangent curves and all of lives intercepts. gradients. i ll see u more clearly than u re now.. and i be drowning to ehar ur voice.. and all teh silly things u said.. liek ni hen piao liang.. i guess its proven.. wad u actively thk of in the day shows at night..

i erm dream of loses at night. that i ll wake up and find a nightmare in another. somedays im afraid this is all a dream other days i wish it was so.

i jsut learnt that a gd fren of mine lost his dad.
i rmb another fren of mine lost his mum when he was i np3.. i was so scared then. i didnt know what or how to feel. my mum said to cerish adn love everyone we have ard us.. b4 its too late

it is isnt it.
i feeel likea bad person neglectin and doubtin everyone ard me.
but i knwo i must count my blessing. the yr is turnin the corner. and there are many things ishuldbe grateful for.
i had lunch with kums today,..ha he let me try rock climbin..
first and foremost.. i m grate ful for the cahnce to be where i m ..really. i knwo thatits tough and there is possibly alotto be dissatisfied abt...but truly i m happy to bewherei m..

i m grateful that i have always done well.
grateful that i m surrounded by ppl who care for me.
even more grateful to be surrounded by ppl who trust me.
i m grateful that my mum is still.. getting by.

i m blessed. i know it. alot of ppl will be dyin to be where i m. i have been given so much grace.

i just hope i wun make the wrogn decisions when the time come. thati l lstil lkeep my state of mind.

the kiss of I would understand. at 9:16 AM .

boxing day. xmas visited oce again. looks like i aint travelin this hols.. life has become really complicated.. i feel that findin the words to describe anything can be really difficult. to relate something may never be fully possible. but we all try anyway.

maybe its best to just keep things bottled up. that way we can be less mechanized.

be gracious to me. i feel annoyed i ve kinda given up hope. on ppl. i really dun expect anymore. more tahn ath else i feel used. everyonewants themselves to be heard understood..and let me add... entertained.

i dun complain there is alot to do. i just wish there was a purpose.. like a man who stares in the mirror.. he finds no meanin other thn his reflection..which looks as confused.

portraying capability is sthi do.
the nect part to it really depends.

gatherings can end up pretty dry with not muxch to say to each other. ppl are either too similar or too diferent to start with. ironically bithare bad.. silence can be really awful. and cold.. tho most of the time its stil ldesirable.

sometimes it can feel like nth werks at all..
marriages aget draggy.. everything ends. everyone departs and everyone gets hurt.

love turns t ofunction and funcction is what we do best. tantamountin expectations kill eventuali.

waitin to transfer photos.. internet is takin foreva.. comittees to answer to= one too many.. responsibilities.. trg unstarted..
gatherings are pretty tirin but stayin alone is liek tryin to borea srew thru ur head at times. work is monotonous as well..

well its xmas so its time to get things in sight

next yr.. impt year. determine whether will get retain or not.. must study darn hard. but the key is to rmb to be interested.. the stuff i learn is very interestin.. thats how i get thru sc hyearly

to keep savin up and working

to acheieve other goals tjat will make me different fro mthe rest ..keep up the trgs

to take up drivin..

next yr the guys will ord... there will be homecomin..

i hope to travel ultimately.

my resoln next yr .. really is to be happy.. to do things that iwant to do and not to please thers all teh time.. seems almost imposssible.

i hope to be more stable to onext yr.

and i hope .. i l lmake the right decisions. when the time comes. yeah

i want to many things to go my way. i want pp to love me but i dun wanna return the same. i wish home wasnt a war zone all the time but i know i do little to reconcile anyway. i knwo i want to send mroe tiem with frns and get to knwo more people but i jsut want to be alone most of the time. i wished i could exlain alot more things cos i see problems everywhere i go that begs soln. btu i have none. i wish t oeducate but i must realise that not everyone needs the same education.

the kiss of I would understand. at 4:30 AM .